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[personal profile] jianantonic
Last weekend, Toby and I went up to Vancouver to visit Emily, Chris, and Trevor. We agreed to babysit Trevor for the day on Saturday so the parents could go to a beer festival -- their first real time away from the baby together. I was honored to do the babysitting for such an occasion, and it was Toby's first time meeting Trevor. We were psyched.

We arrived on Friday night, and Emily informed us that Trevor had not taken a shit since Sunday. I did the mental math...JESUS CHRIST! She'd taken him to the doctor and the doc said that since he didn't appear to be in any discomfort, just to wait it out. They gave him prune juice a few times and stopped with the solid foods for a few days, but no luck.

Saturday rolled around, and I just *knew* it would happen on our watch. When Lucy was a baby, she'd get constipated a lot, but whenever I'd hold her, nature would call, and press 2. It's just this power that I have. Perhaps my voice is the brown noise. Anyway.

We fed him a bottle, and spit up all over me, which I declared less desirable than dealing with his shit. Something about the look and the smell of baby spit up is just SO GROSS to me, but I handled it without too much hacking of my own, and we went about our day. Toby and I got lunch, and put Trev down in a bouncy seat while we ate. Em warned us that he'd only be content there for a few minutes at most, so we ate quickly, and I gave Toby the choice after lunch of dealing with the dishes or entertaining the baby. He chose dishes, and what a serendipitous choice it was!

When I went to lift Trevor out of his chair, my hands reached into a lake of shit. I called for backup as I ran to the changing pad to begin to deal with the situation. It was EVERYWHERE. As I worked to unsnap his onesie, he kicked and squirmed and smeared his own poo around with his feet. When I removed his clothes to assess the damage at ground zero, his entire backside was covered. That turdpedo had erupted from all possible diaper exits and had reached the back of his head. Toby ran for the diaper genie, and I gently wiped the crying, shit-smeared baby, now half his previous body weight, until I was satisfied that he was clean enough for a new diaper. This process lasted at least 15 minutes, and I'm very lucky that he did not pee while he was undiapered in that time, because I was dealing with the most I could possibly handle.

Once I had him in a new diaper, he was much less cranky. I had gone through at least 20 [cloth, reusable!] wipes, but there was still the matter of his hair. I held him at the sink while Toby used the spray faucet to return his hair color from brown to its original blond. After I fully dressed him in a clean new outfit, I kept noticing more outposts of shit that I'd missed on my first ten passes. Baby fat can hide some horrible secrets! Finally clean, both of us were exhausted from the experience, and we went to nap together. I lazily browsed the internet on my laptop while Trevor snoozed happily on my chest for the next hour and a half. His naps until that point had been about 20-30 minutes at best, according to Em and Chris. I felt a huge sense of accomplishment, both for having dealt admirably with the six day poobomb, and for getting him to sleep his best nap in weeks. I'm sure the two were related.

Achievement (and bowels) unlocked! Platinum level aunting. 10,000XP.

Toby, on the other hand...

Well, Toby helped where I needed him. But it was the first time in all the time I've known him that I was calmer than he was. While I worked through wiping the poo to end all poos, with Trevor wailing in dissatisfaction, Toby mostly hid in the other room, shouting at me "THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!"

I love this guy. I'm so glad he shares my life goals of never having children.

Some friends expressed astonishment at my handling of the shituation, but honestly, what was I gonna do? It's not like it could be ignored. And now, Trevor will be in my debt for the rest of my life ;)
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