Mar. 4th, 2017

jianantonic: (Seahorse)
I've been wanting to write a lot more, but it's hard. I've had to give myself a break from the sadness a bit. But here's a little bit more for now.

I honestly don't remember the first time I told Rafal I loved him. I'm pretty sure I told him first, because I was 14 and it didn't hold a lot of weight to me at the time. I liked him a lot, we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it was no big deal for me to say it. But I do remember the first time he told me. I think it was probably a day after I told him. It hadn't even registered that he hadn't said it back immediately. It was no more than a week into our relationship. We had been to see City of Angels, I think, with Phred, maybe some other people, too, and afterwards the three of us went to Agnor Hurt Elementary School to hang out at the playground. Phred and I were being goofy, and Rafal was annoyed because he was trying to say something serious to me. He asked Phred for some private time with me, and told me he loved me. There was a little bit of a speech involved, and I don't remember much of it, except I do remember Rafal seemed to want me to take it really seriously. And I was very happy when he told me, and gave him a big hug and kiss and told him I loved him, too. At the time, it was sweet, but not really the big deal that first Ily's carry in relationships once you've got earned some baggage. He told me he'd been really thinking about it, and to me that seemed silly because why would you need to think about what you feel? And why would it be a big deal to tell me? Wow, I miss how simple things used to be.

I had no idea what love was supposed to be when I was 14. I had lived a charmed life to be able to just freely give and accept it and not feel like it had to be a *thing.* I do think I legitimately loved him, even then, even as clueless as I was. I have always been able to tap into deep emotions pretty easily, so even if I didn't realize the depth of it, I do think the love was real. At least a seed of what would become a more adult feeling as time went on. I was crazy about him, and sublimely happy that he seemed to be crazy about me, too. 


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September 2017

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