jianantonic: (Default)
Just got back from dinner with Katy and Cindy. Cindy told me that McKenzie is engaged. I knew he was in a serious relationship and this news is not surprising. I did expect it to affect me emotionally...but it hasn't yet. I mean I've only known for like an hour so who knows if an emotional tidal wave is building, but it doesn't feel like it. Here's what I do feel:

I hope they don't move back to the PNW.
I do not wish them happiness, but I don't wish them anything else, either.
I'm amused that he got engaged before I did, because he was a real asshole when we broke up about how I was just going to move onto my next marriage "like you always do." (Yup, all one time I've remarried. Which he begged me for a year to do even though I didn't want to at first. Okay.)

I'm still really angry about the way McKenzie treated me in our marriage, and as we navigated our post-marriage interactions. I was no angel to him, but no one deserves the disrespect he gave me.

My happiness with Toby puts a lot of things in perspective. It makes me realize how McKenzie SHOULD'VE treated me, and how horrible his choices were in a lot of circumstances, but also it keeps me from dwelling much on that anger, because I'm happy now. So why bother? Things are good.

Cindy told me the wedding is scheduled for April 2019, because "they" want time to plan a big wedding. I'm sure "they" are very excited about their huge event. (Our jailhouse April Fool's elopement was almost too fancy for McKenzie at the time, so I really wonder how excited he is about a wedding that takes two years to plan.)

I told Toby what I'd learned, and said "this is not a call to action! Just news I have." Heh :)

I won't be surprised if more emotions find their way to the surface, but this isn't something I'm planning to dwell on. Shrug.

Poly Hate

Apr. 20th, 2017 12:23 am
jianantonic: (Default)
Lately, I've been feeling really *confronted* by anti-polyamory attitudes. I say confronted rather than annoyed because while it is annoying, I don't give it that kind of power. I scoff at and I pity those who can't wrap their heads around my lifestyle. I've never been a polyvangelist -- it is SO not for everyone, at least not given the societal conditioning we've all had. I'm not saying my way is the best way and everyone should do it. It's just best for me. But so many people are either offended by the way I live (because it affects you...how?) or unnecessarily concerned for my well-being. Even many of my good friends encourage me to force Toby to give up his other relationship and be monogamous. That people seem to think I'm wrong about what makes me happy is just...weird.

Except for our nation's leadership and the almost certain destruction of our planet, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Aside from Dan, who was not a good fit for me for other reasons, this is the only serious relationship I've ever been in -- EVER -- where I am not being abused, either physically, emotionally, or both. And yet many people would be more comfortable to see me living inauthentically, perhaps even in an abusive relationship, because at least it's heteronormative. I'm not saying my friends wish abuse on me. I'm just saying I wish people would really think about what they're saying when they suggest to me that my current choice in relationship structure is harmful to me. I'm happy! That's the point, right?

I think what it boils down to is the insecurity of others. People who are uncertain about their own choices only find validation when everyone around them makes the same choices. Getting married and having kids are two big ones. But the idea that people can be happily non-monogamous seems to really rattle people even more than the idea that a woman of childbearing age may not want to use her uterus that way, or that two people can be committed to each other without being married. I do want to marry Toby. Obviously, I'm the marrying type. I keep doing it. So many of my friends have suggested that Toby and I will "settle down" when we have rings on or something. I mean it's not like our non-monogamy is somehow wild. We're pretty settled down as it is. And he's pretty settled down with Candace, too. We have learned about ourselves, through various means of discovery, that we are not likely to ever focus 100% of our romantic love in one place. I never have been able to, so it's nice to have a partner who will not expect me to. Anyone who thinks Toby and I love each other less than monogamous couples because of our lifestyle obviously hasn't spent much time with us. (The only friends of mine who suggest I would be happier if Toby and I were exclusive are the ones who have not spent much or any time with him.)

The funny thing is, since breaking up with Dan, Toby has been my only partner, and I'm happy with that. I've gone on a few dates, and I've made some romantic-ish connections, but right now, I'm happy with Toby when he's here, and being alone or with platonic friends when he's not. But that doesn't mean I'd be happy closing off our relationship. For one thing, Toby loves Candace. I don't have any desire for him to end that. Second, my schedule and priorities will change over time. Maybe I will stumble into another relationship even without looking for it. I don't want to close that door for myself. There is no one way to be polyamorous. People who try to live by a definition end up really unhappy. You and your partner(s) are never going to want exactly the same things, but it's important to choose partners who accept what you need and want without pushing your boundaries with regard to their needs and wants.

I'll never understand why a lot of things appeal to people, but if they can enjoy those things with enthusiastic partners and be happy, who am I to tell them they're doing it wrong? Shrug. Relationship-wise, I have exactly what I want. I know a lot of people will never get it, but that's okay. They're not the ones I want to be with :)


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