Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

Having a self-pity party.

I was on a roll, and then...I got thrown off course. I know I'm not starting from ZERO, but it's still frustrating to have to retrace steps when my relapse wasn't actually due to laziness or anything I brought upon myself. Usually it is. This time, though, I got food poisoning, then shingles, and I've been unable to get out of bed most of the last 7 days. And I need to work, and make money, and pay bills. I haven't run in over a week. I don't know how much I will be able to run when I get back to the gym. Maybe tomorrow? Probably not until Friday at the earliest, though. My shingles rash still hurts a lot. Even though it's not on my legs, any physical activity aggravates it. It's slowly improving, though.

I'm currently taking 5 prescriptions, and 3 different doctor-recommended OTC drugs. 15 pills a day plus three ointment applications. I'm 33 years old and I take care of myself! Ugh. Thank heavens for my insurance, anyway.

The brightest spot in my day, though, was hanging out with Shanon, Mary, Sloane, and Gwen this morning. The little girls are 23 and 20 months old now, and both getting more outgoing. They're more comfortable with me playing with them and snuggling them. The five of us went to the park near Mary's house, and both girls wanted me to hold them and swing them and join in their games -- which were largely incredibly boring, but fulfilling at the same time because their giggles were the best. It was win-win for everyone, because the moms were happy to unload their toddlers on me for a while, and I'm happy to indulge the kids, too. But I was telling Mary and Shanon that it's so much easier for me to enjoy playing with kids when I don't have to do it all the time...because the shit they like is really boring. We spent several minutes with both girls putting playground bark dust in my hands and laughing with delight when I emptied my hands back onto the ground, saying "goodbye!" I mean, I'm glad they like me! But I'm super glad I don't have to do that all day every day, too.

I accidentally left something at Mary's house, so I had to go back at dinnertime to grab it. Gwen came running to me, and was all hugs and smiles while I was there. I'm really pleased that she's starting to recognize me and bond with me. I really love that kid.

Taking a moment to vent and then relive the happy parts of the day has me feeling a bit better. I think I'm actually going to do some chores tonight -- it won't improve my bank balance or fitness, but I'll feel a little accomplished, anyway.

I am just born to be an aunt. No doubt. My sister-in-law posted a photo of my 6yo niece riding a two-wheeled bike, and I'm just so proud of that girl. I know it's not a huge deal and no one else has any reason to care, but these little milestones just stir up a lot of emotion in me. I love my girls so much.

I'm cohosting a baby shower for another friend tomorrow, and as I prepare for that, I'm getting really excited. Mary and Josh are good friends and they know how much I love my nieces, but I doubt they really understand how excited I am about their kid, too. I just love my role. There's some jealousy in not being a parent, though. I'm not the most important person to anyone. There's a bit of an unrequited love when it comes to the kids in my life -- most of them do love me, but none of them will ever really understand the way I love them. That's okay. I don't need unhealthy codependence to feel important. There are levels of connection I just won't get without being a mom, and those are definitely things on which I definitely understand I'm missing out -- but not enough to want all the other baggage that comes with parenthood. The point is, I love the kids in my life. I love the parents in my life. I'm really comfortable in my role as Auntie. And I hope my friends are comfortable with my self-installation as their kids' auntie, too. I respect boundaries, I promise!

I'm looking forward to squeezing on Sloane tomorrow, too.

Once recently when I was with Shanon and her kids, we were saying goodbye and I asked Jack for a hug. He said no, and I want to be respectful of that. Not to be alarmist or anything but I do think it's an early seed of rape culture to force kids to be affectionate when they don't want to be, so if a kid says s/he doesn't want a hug, I want them to know that that's okay and I respect that. I told Jack okay, no hug, and I got up and started to walk away. Then he came running after me with his arms open yelling "HEY!!" Little fucker was just trying to play hard to get. Ha. It definitely felt good when he did want a hug after all :) I tell him I love him and he says "I love you" back to me, but I think it's more reflexive to say that than it is an actual feeling right now. Still feels good.

I left work a little early and came straight to Shanon's house to hang out with Jack so that Brian could go be with his laboring wife. Jack was a little worried and confused at first -- he knows that Sloane is on her way, but he doesn't really grasp why that means Mommy and Daddy aren't at home. But I gave him some cheese, turned on RescueBots, and all signs of concern vanished. Then I got all domestic. I made a pizza for us to share for dinner. Okay, I didn't make it from scratch, but I used the actual oven! It wasn't some microwave copout. I unloaded their clean dishes from the dishwasher, which involved quite a bit of detective work. I think that this was helpful of me, but I'm sure I put some stuff back where they don't expect it to be and will spend many frustrating hours searching for sometime in the future.

While Jack ate and watched his show, I used Shanon's computer to do a few of my real estate courses. Jack would occasionally ask me to get him something, and he usually said "please" and "thank you" without being prompted at all, but once he asked me to get him more juice and told me "you're welcome" when I gave it to him. Still, though, I was super impressed with his manners. He is a notorious fit-thrower, so his pleasant demeanor was a very nice surprise.

When he finished his dinner, I asked him if he would come with me to my house so I could get some things to stay overnight. He was gung ho, and said "thank you" about seven times as I secured him in his car seat. Then I got in and sat in the driver's seat checking my phone for a moment before we got going. He became concerned that I hadn't buckled up yet, and reminded me to do so. Aww. (I hadn't started the car yet. Setting the caring-about-your-seatbelt example is very important to me!) We drove to my house and he babbled mostly things I couldn't understand, but I asked him some questions about Transformers and he was more than happy to ramble on and on about them.

The neighborhood kids were out playing when we got to my place, and Jack wanted to play with them. Shanon called at that moment, so I turned him loose with the other kids while I talked to her. She said she had had the epidural, but still wasn't dilated much and didn't think anything would happen soon. She was frustrated and missed her son, so she asked me to send a few pictures. While Jack was playing with the neighbor kids, one of them asked him if I was his mom. He said "yep!" :) When there was a lull in the kiddie conversation, Jack broke it by saying "thank you" to no one in particular. The neighbor kids just rolled with it and said "you're welcome!" I got my things and loaded him back in the car. Can I just say that I am a champ at carseat buckling? I rock at it...for someone who doesn't have kids, anyway. I think most moms can do that shit with their hands full and eyes closed while talking on the phone to someone with a thick foreign accent, but as far as ordinary childless plebes go, I'm awesome at carseats.

We walked Sam when we got home, and Jack said "thank you" to all the neighbors that we saw. He also thanked me for picking up Sam's poop, about which he wanted to have an extensive conversation. "How many poops?" "Is it smelly?" "Does he have to go some more?" We walked by two tall plants of some sort, and Jack spoke to them. "Hi Mommy!" he said to the first plant, and then "Hi Daddy!" to the one next to it. "I miss you, Mommy. I miss you, Daddy. Byebye! Thank you!"

Back at home, we did the bedtime thing, and I was texting Shanon throughout asking where things were and how the routine should go. She wasn't always super responsive, but the flow of the conversation was such that I didn't believe much was happening vaginawise. Then there was the following exchange:

M: Do you throw the dirty diapers in the trash or do you have a special receptacle for them?
<<10ish minutes of radio silence>>
S: {picture of a newborn} Just toss the diapers in any trash can. Sloane's here!

It was just so matter-of-fact. Like lalala sippy cups are in the upper left cabinet, Jack will want to sleep with his Optimus Prime toy, diapers in the trash, oh btw I had a baby, help yourself to anything in the fridge...

I read stories with Jack and tucked him in, and he was super cooperative about the whole bath and bed business. Said "thank you" a bunch more times...he's snoozing contentedly now.

So baby Sloane is here, and I will bring Jack to meet her at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. I have a massage appointment at 1, so Shanon arranged a half-day play date for him so that I could keep my appointment. I didn't tell her it was for a massage...just that I had something going on. I feel like an asshole taking time off to get a massage when she's just birthed a human. But I made the appointment a while ago, and dammit I want a massage. And she wouldn't be mad at me or anything, but I know she's in pain and tired and all that so I'm not gonna be like PEACE OUT, HOMIE, TIME TO PAMPER MYSELF. Not out loud, anyway.

I'll be aunt-on-call as long as Shanon is in the hospital, but I'm not sure if Brian is going to stay there another night or not. I may be staying here for another night or two. I'm really excited to take Jack to meet his baby sister. I'm not sure he understands just what is happening. He knows he's getting a new sister named Sloane, and he knows that Sloane was in his mommy's belly, but I'm not sure that he understands that Sloane comes out as an infant. I think the concept is just abstract to him. Anyway tomorrow should be fun, and I'm excited to meet my new niecelet, too.