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jianantonic) wrote2012-01-15 12:20 am
jianantonic) wrote2012-01-15 12:20 am
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On paper, things are really good right now. Life kind of rocks. And in general, I am soaking that up. But there's a but.
I feel like I am much more in touch with what is and what is not a logical reaction than I was 14 months ago, and I do not feel like I have had illogical reactions to anything lately, but I do feel a lot more rage bubbling up inside me than I had when I first started taking Prozac. I wonder if it's because I've actually been facing more stressful, demanding situations, or if it's just time to up my happy pills.
I'm still able to brush most things off that would have really bothered me pre-medication. For the most part, I am able to recognize a bad situation and step out of it, rather than engaging something that can only proceed negatively. But it's getting harder to walk away from these things. For instance, I was wearing my VT sweatshirt today, and as I walked across the parking lot at the grocery store, a stranger leaned out of his SUV window and shouted "TECH SUCKS!" at me. And, really, the words aren't what bug me -- he and I both know that's not even true, and I know I'm in their rival's town, so this kind of animosity is to be expected. We all know I hate UVA more than most people. But the fact that a random d-bag would just yell that out at a stranger...and not even in the context of a sporting event, where trash talk is expected, although still deplorable in my opinion. I didn't say anything to this guy, but I spent the next several minutes fantasizing about beating the crap out of him, or totally unleashing my fury on his expensive car. And...that's not me. I'm anti-violence, and I would much rather put someone in their place with a well-timed witty comeback, but that didn't erase the fact that I really wanted to go nuts on this motherfucker. I didn't...I didn't even really consider it, just sort of wished I was a little more like Courtney Love or something for the time being. While the mental images are somewhat satisfying, I can't say I enjoy feeling that way, and I wonder if my internal reaction was because my meds aren't working as well as they used to, or if I was just having a kind of bad day.
I'd like to think that these thoughts are normal and there will be bad days and that's just the way it is sometimes, but I don't really think that they are. I haven't been having bad days, for one thing, and this rage has existed in me a lot lately, whereas for the previous year or so, it was nonexistent. So I think it's probably time to ask about increasing my dosage of Prozac.
I am meeting with my Charlottesville therapist on Tuesday. It's been nine months since I've seen her, but she knows me well and I'm looking forward to catching up a bit. It will be good to check in with her, and discuss these emotions with her. I do have one theory, but I don't know if it's cause or effect or corollary... but I guess there is stress in one area of my life where it hasn't really existed before, and no amount of medication will ease it. Over the past few months, I've really started to see my parents aging, and I worry about them a lot. My mother is almost the age where her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she definitely shows plenty of signs of memory loss. I know that's normal with age, but having witnessed my grandmother's horrifying decline, it's impossible to just shake it off when I see it in my mom, too. My dad takes great care of himself, but is 70 and kind of crotchety and they're both terrible drivers and I just find myself always worried about them. So I guess that is a legitimate source of stress that is more present than it was before, and may have something to do with the increased levels of rage I have. The good news is that I'm not actually reacting to any of this rage in anything more than mental exercises...I still maintain a level head and comport myself well with everyone, but the fact that I fantasize about punching complete strangers in the throat is still a red flag to me. So, something to discuss with Dr. P.
I feel like I am much more in touch with what is and what is not a logical reaction than I was 14 months ago, and I do not feel like I have had illogical reactions to anything lately, but I do feel a lot more rage bubbling up inside me than I had when I first started taking Prozac. I wonder if it's because I've actually been facing more stressful, demanding situations, or if it's just time to up my happy pills.
I'm still able to brush most things off that would have really bothered me pre-medication. For the most part, I am able to recognize a bad situation and step out of it, rather than engaging something that can only proceed negatively. But it's getting harder to walk away from these things. For instance, I was wearing my VT sweatshirt today, and as I walked across the parking lot at the grocery store, a stranger leaned out of his SUV window and shouted "TECH SUCKS!" at me. And, really, the words aren't what bug me -- he and I both know that's not even true, and I know I'm in their rival's town, so this kind of animosity is to be expected. We all know I hate UVA more than most people. But the fact that a random d-bag would just yell that out at a stranger...and not even in the context of a sporting event, where trash talk is expected, although still deplorable in my opinion. I didn't say anything to this guy, but I spent the next several minutes fantasizing about beating the crap out of him, or totally unleashing my fury on his expensive car. And...that's not me. I'm anti-violence, and I would much rather put someone in their place with a well-timed witty comeback, but that didn't erase the fact that I really wanted to go nuts on this motherfucker. I didn't...I didn't even really consider it, just sort of wished I was a little more like Courtney Love or something for the time being. While the mental images are somewhat satisfying, I can't say I enjoy feeling that way, and I wonder if my internal reaction was because my meds aren't working as well as they used to, or if I was just having a kind of bad day.
I'd like to think that these thoughts are normal and there will be bad days and that's just the way it is sometimes, but I don't really think that they are. I haven't been having bad days, for one thing, and this rage has existed in me a lot lately, whereas for the previous year or so, it was nonexistent. So I think it's probably time to ask about increasing my dosage of Prozac.
I am meeting with my Charlottesville therapist on Tuesday. It's been nine months since I've seen her, but she knows me well and I'm looking forward to catching up a bit. It will be good to check in with her, and discuss these emotions with her. I do have one theory, but I don't know if it's cause or effect or corollary... but I guess there is stress in one area of my life where it hasn't really existed before, and no amount of medication will ease it. Over the past few months, I've really started to see my parents aging, and I worry about them a lot. My mother is almost the age where her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she definitely shows plenty of signs of memory loss. I know that's normal with age, but having witnessed my grandmother's horrifying decline, it's impossible to just shake it off when I see it in my mom, too. My dad takes great care of himself, but is 70 and kind of crotchety and they're both terrible drivers and I just find myself always worried about them. So I guess that is a legitimate source of stress that is more present than it was before, and may have something to do with the increased levels of rage I have. The good news is that I'm not actually reacting to any of this rage in anything more than mental exercises...I still maintain a level head and comport myself well with everyone, but the fact that I fantasize about punching complete strangers in the throat is still a red flag to me. So, something to discuss with Dr. P.