Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

My first therapy session in a month was today. I didn't really feel like leaving the house but it was sooooo good. I had a lot to talk about and got some really good feedback, and after crying through some drama, I'm feeling empowered and validated and capable. I hope it lasts :)

So what am I doing with this positive energy? Ummm...ask again tomorrow. Today is vacation buffer day, which means I do nothing and don't hate myself for it.

Two different people canceled plans on me for back to back days -- tonight and tomorrow -- and I couldn't be more relieved. I slept until 3pm today (after a 2-hour foray into the real world at 8am to take Toby to work and then go to a clinic appointment for my drug trial). I did go to the gym tonight, and while I was there, my Wednesday lunch date sent a message canceling. So maybe I'll sleep 'til 3 again tomorrow!

Actually I get that this is not a good thing to do regularly, and I felt pretty shitty about doing it today, even, BUT I obviously needed that recharge, and hopefully one full day of doing almost nothing will be enough. I'm subbing for another trivia night tomorrow, then have my regular gig on Thursday, and Pride activities planned for this weekend, so I won't be a total hermit much longer anyway.

Yesterday I talked to my therapist about momentum. I've been feeling great and doing really well in most things lately, but I fear what comes after I reach some goals. One goal that's really kept me pushing hard is the Couch to 10K program I've been doing. I'm finishing up the 11th week of that now, and I'm regularly running 5+ miles 3x per week now. It's good for me to push this hard and build back to 10K form, but my body is letting me know that this has to be a hard boundary for now. The 15-mile weeks are really hurting my feet and back, and until I get more recovered there, I can't add more mileage. I'm going to need to back down from this mileage, too. And anyway just keeping going at goal isn't as exciting. I don't see myself making progress. I need another thing that I can gradually build on and watch my fitness improve. That will not be adding miles to my runs. So...what to do? I'm thinking maybe speed workouts? Maybe even hire a running coach for a little added accountability? My gym membership is about to become free (Toby's office is picking it up for both of us, yay progressive benefits for domestic partners!), so putting that money toward a coach could be a nice thing to do for myself...but I'm open to suggestions. The 100 pushup program was good and I should definitely give that another go...but that's not enough of a workout to be my main thing on the days that I do it. Any good cardio suggestions? Maaaaybe swimming, but swimming at my gym is such a pain because of all the extra gear you have to manage, and taking a wet swimsuit home in a gym bag...meh. But it is an option I'm willing to consider. More likely in conjunction with other types of cardio rather than something I'd have to do 3x a week or something. We'll see.

I have a lot of feelings about Orlando, too. Actually I think that's where my fatigue comes from right now. Just all the things I'm seeing people say in defense of guns, in opposition of Muslims, pro-hate, anti-gay, etc. It's just exhausting. The gun debate is exhausting. A room full of kindergartners wasn't enough to move the ammosexuals -- what will be? I fear that every fucking person in the US will have to die by gun violence before there's a change. I know some of my friends here have guns and value their right to them. (I'm 100% anti-gun personally, but that's not something I'm fighting for politically. I'm mostly okay with responsible people owning guns. I'm not coming to take anyone's guns and I'm not advocating that the government do that, either.) But there's so much space between being able to own a gun, and being able to get a semi-automatic weapon without a background check in a matter of minutes. I don't get why the other side of this issue is so unwilling to budge. Why people who insist that their own gun ownership is responsible and legal want it to be so easy for people who are not responsible to get guns. I don't get why this is political at all. But the debate rages, with neither side giving an inch. And it's fucking exhausting. When will reason get through? I'm tagging this post under politics, because that's the existing tag that best fits, but goddammit, why is this even a political issue?! Massacre is bad -- we agree on that, right? Ugh. The latest massacre makes me sad. What makes me saddest is that it's not yielding any change. 

I had a meeting with a personal injury attorney this morning about my car accident case. I'd met with another lawyer previously, but he had to refer me because he didn't have the bandwidth to take my case, though he had been very optimistic about it. The lawyer I met with today was much less so, and now I'm left wondering how to move forward with the case. Awesome. More difficult decisions.

I thought I had a much more crammed schedule today, but unless I'm completely forgetting something, I really don't. So instead of going to BodyPump at 5:30 like I usually do on Mondays, I'm going to yoga at noon. I went to pump yesterday, so it's good to give myself a day off in between. I'll go to another one soon though. And I think I really need yoga right now.

After that, I have a session with my marriage counselor, again just one-on-one rather than with McKenzie. Everything about this situation is so hard. I suppose it will be easier in the future no matter which direction we go, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier for me to move forward one way or another. I'm sad and scared all the time. It really sucks.

Youguysyouguysyouguys! I finished my real estate coursework! I still have a few steps before I'm licensed -- there are end-of-course exams I have to pass, and I should study a bit before I try to take those, because some of that reading is not very fresh in my mind, but I did take one of them today and passed it (for the most recent subject material I covered). It only took about ten minutes to complete that exam, though, so I don't think that the rest of them will take up too much time. Then I need to schedule my final licensing exam, pass the mofo (you find out immediately), and proceed with my startup stuff like getting photos taken and launching a website and all that fun stuff. I'm so close! Finishing the coursework was huge for me, though. I've been stagnating for a long time, really close to the finish line but just not focused enough to fucking get it done. We talked a lot about that in therapy last night, discussed strategies to get the ball rolling again (and to stay on task), and whaddya know, I applied said strategies and was successful. Huzzah!

Therapy has been really good lately. I'm feeling a lot better about so many things, and both Z and I are much more relaxed in our coexistence than we have been in...ever. So that's good. Obviously there's a lot about it that's still really hard, but I feel like we're making the right kind of progress.

I've got an awesome long weekend ahead of me. We've got three different guests coming for various stays -- Jen Cote is coming up from NM tonight, and will be here through Tuesday. She was here about this time last year and I love her and we always have a blast together. Then tomorrow, Jen Chalfan is coming down from Seattle, probably bringing her daughter, and staying for the weekend. We're all signed up to run a 5K on Saturday, which happens to take place at a local amusement park, so that'll be a fun day. Then on Sunday, we have a new short-term renter moving in.

In preparation for all of this, we've been doing a lot of housework. That's something else I'm working on in therapy to try to be better at...not letting my laziness overcome me to the detriment of my living conditions. It's a struggle. But guests are good motivation.

I've also solidified most of my travel plans for the rest of the calendar year. I've all but given up on hitting the mileage requirement for Gold status again, but I'm well into Silver anyway. I was hoping to go someplace international, and I still might if the right fare pops up, but right now I'm just planning on sticking around here for the most part, and going to Providence for the duration of the NABC (after having Thanksgiving in Virginia with my folks). Because of my work schedule and the Thanksgiving holiday, I'm able to take two full weeks off and only having two days covered by my coworker, so even though I'm traveling for a long time, it's not a major burden on my office. That's nice. I still haven't worked out what I'll do for Christmas. I would say that going home over Thanksgiving is enough, really, but William and his family don't come down then -- only for Christmas. So if I want to see them, I need to go then. And of course I want to see them! So we'll see. All this stuff is time off work, money spent, etc. More likely to go to VA for a quick Xmas visit if I don't end up doing any more traveling the rest of the year, and it looks like that's how it'll go. I'd like to get down to Phoenix a time or two to visit with A and Katy, and my regular four-day weekends should make that a viable option. But I also want to dive into real estate up here, which means I probably should be around a lot.

Anyway, super excited to have some of my favorite people visiting for the weekend, and I look forward to hugs and talks and good workouts and girlfriend time.

<3

Things today got worse before they got better. Shit, you guys, it's been rough. People have been there for me, though. I appreciate that. I appreciate that people are understanding about the shit I'm going through, and sometimes I will be crying at my desk, and my coworkers no longer make a big deal of this. They understand, they are there for me, but they don't have to acknowledge it, which is helpful. It always makes me cry more when someone says "what's wrong?" But it was one of those days where I was again that girl who cries at her desk.

Z and I had an emergency phone session with our therapist this evening, because I was just at my wits' end. I don't need to go into all the details here, because that's why we therapy, but basically I've been feeling like my value to Z has been measured by weighing a good day against seven bad years. We've had long strings of really good days, and the bad wouldn't be half so bad if it weren't shrouded in fear that the future will be like the past. There's so much hedging and self-preservation at the expense of faith in one another...it sucks. It makes it hard to mend, or rebuild, or reboot, or whatever you want to say we're doing. I think tonight's session was helpful, and we have some homework to do before our next one. We are supposed to make lists of what we want in our partner. Not what we want from the other person, just what we want in a partner. Maybe I'll do that here. Just thinking about it, though, my list is so fluid. For instance, I don't need or require a partner who plays games. I love games, and if partner plays with me, cool!, but I also have friends that more than meet that need. So I don't need it in a partner. I love the Blazers. It'd be cool to have a partner who was into the Blazers, or who could at least have the occasional conversation about them or tolerate my superfandom, but honestly I don't give a flying fuck how a single other person on the planet feels about the Blazers -- with the exception of the team members and executives, I suppose. I want to share things with a partner, sure, but the specific things don't matter. The bottom line here, I guess, is that I want a partner who loves me for who I am, who can engage me in my passions, or who is cool with me sharing those passions with others. I guess, what's the difference between partner and friend? I want good sex with a partner. I want someone who will put up with my constant flatulence -- someone I don't have to hold it in for, y'know? So, er, yeah, sexy sex and free-form farts. And alliteration. These are my partnership preferences. (Ideally it helps a lot if you get my sense of humor, which is in fact a requirement in a partner, but also kind of a requirement in friendship...so again, really it comes down to sex and how bad I can allow myself to stink when we're together...romantic.)

So anyway. I'll work more on those thoughts later, but for now the plan is to make sure my weekend is awesome. Here's what's on the table so far: wake up and go to a Body Pump class at 8am, come home, sleep more if I feel like it, shower, head downtown and get a food cart lunch, then transit to Blitz Ladd for the Hokie game. After that, I'll come back to Beaverton, perhaps stopping at Chez Middendorf to help with some demolition. And by demolition I mean tearing up carpets and painting walls. So not a lot of demo. Still. Ripping shit up should be fun. Sunday I'll go for a run, be useful to friends wherever possible, and then attend games in the evening. Probably stopping at the food carts for dinner on the way to that, too. Monday I have a game date with David, whom I haven't seen in way too long, and another Body Pump class. I will fill the gaps in these days with work on real estate, extra naptimes, and probably more trips to the food carts. Because food carts.

Make stuff. Accomplish stuff. Rest. Play. Eat noms. Less wallowing.

Also tomorrow is Z's 35th birthday, and I'd really like to give him a happier wife as a gift. We'll see.

I recognize that while my treatment regulates a lot of my mental issues, some stubborn ones persist. I still watch myself go through cycles of intense determination and apathy. I feel like I'm fighting my way out of the apathy pit right now, but it is a struggle. I think last night was a make or break point, and luckily everything went well. First, I went to ww after work scared to get on the scale, because I didn't have a great week, foodwise. But I was down 2.4 pounds. I know I kind of got away with something, and I'm not letting this be a reason to get lazy. That was a welcome burst of encouragement when I was kind of hating myself for not working hard enough.

I had a therapy session after that and just did some really good processing. She let my session run over by a half hour because her Neff appt canceled and we were on a roll. So overall, it was a great evening and I came out of the day with a far lower level of self-loathing.

I have about half of a mostly chill workday to get through before my weekend begins. This will be my first total day off at home in a really long time. I'm more than ready.

I just got in touch with a therapist in Beaverton to set up some regular counseling sessions. It's been too long.

I'm feeling good, but I miss therapy. Therapy is important and I think it can be wonderful for people even when things are going swimmingly. I'd say things are going well but I can definitely point to a few needs-improvement areas, and I'm optimistic that this step is the right one to address those issues. I haven't been going lately because I have no insurance and the cost is prohibitive, but I looked around and found something that looks affordable, and anyway I think it's time to just prioritize it higher anyway. If I can afford monthly massages, a personal trainer, and trips all over the world, I can find the money for therapy. I just don't WANNA sacrifice those other things :)

On paper, things are really good right now.  Life kind of rocks.  And in general, I am soaking that up.  But there's a but.

I feel like I am much more in touch with what is and what is not a logical reaction than I was 14 months ago, and I do not feel like I have had illogical reactions to anything lately, but I do feel a lot more rage bubbling up inside me than I had when I first started taking Prozac.  I wonder if it's because I've actually been facing more stressful, demanding situations, or if it's just time to up my happy pills. 

I'm still able to brush most things off that would have really bothered me pre-medication.  For the most part, I am able to recognize a bad situation and step out of it, rather than engaging something that can only proceed negatively.  But it's getting harder to walk away from these things.  For instance, I was wearing my VT sweatshirt today, and as I walked across the parking lot at the grocery store, a stranger leaned out of his SUV window and shouted "TECH SUCKS!" at me.  And, really, the words aren't what bug me -- he and I both know that's not even true, and I know I'm in their rival's town, so this kind of animosity is to be expected.  We all know I hate UVA more than most people.  But the fact that a random d-bag would just yell that out at a stranger...and not even in the context of a sporting event, where trash talk is expected, although still deplorable in my opinion.  I didn't say anything to this guy, but I spent the next several minutes fantasizing about beating the crap out of him, or totally unleashing my fury on his expensive car.  And...that's not me.  I'm anti-violence, and I would much rather put someone in their place with a well-timed witty comeback, but that didn't erase the fact that I really wanted to go nuts on this motherfucker.  I didn't...I didn't even really consider it, just sort of wished I was a little more like Courtney Love or something for the time being.  While the mental images are somewhat satisfying, I can't say I enjoy feeling that way, and I wonder if my internal reaction was because my meds aren't working as well as they used to, or if I was just having a kind of bad day.

I'd like to think that these thoughts are normal and there will be bad days and that's just the way it is sometimes, but I don't really think that they are.  I haven't been having bad days, for one thing, and this rage has existed in me a lot lately, whereas for the previous year or so, it was nonexistent.  So I think it's probably time to ask about increasing my dosage of Prozac.

I am meeting with my Charlottesville therapist on Tuesday.  It's been nine months since I've seen her, but she knows me well and I'm looking forward to catching up a bit.  It will be good to check in with her, and discuss these emotions with her.  I do have one theory, but I don't know if it's cause or effect or corollary... but I guess there is stress in one area of my life where it hasn't really existed before, and no amount of medication will ease it.  Over the past few months, I've really started to see my parents aging, and I worry about them a lot.  My mother is almost the age where her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and she definitely shows plenty of signs of memory loss.  I know that's normal with age, but having witnessed my grandmother's horrifying decline, it's impossible to just shake it off when I see it in my mom, too.  My dad takes great care of himself, but is 70 and kind of crotchety and they're both terrible drivers and I just find myself always worried about them.  So I guess that is a legitimate source of stress that is more present than it was before, and may have something to do with the increased levels of rage I have.  The good news is that I'm not actually reacting to any of this rage in anything more than mental exercises...I still maintain a level head and comport myself well with everyone, but the fact that I fantasize about punching complete strangers in the throat is still a red flag to me.  So, something to discuss with Dr. P.  

I have a confession to make.  I haven't officially worked out in over a month.  I've done a few hikes and long walks and such, and I haven't been completely lazy, but it's been about six weeks since I put on a sports bra and worked up a sweat.  

This is the kind of thing that would've sent me into a shame spiral in the pre-Prozac world.  I used to obsess about fitness and working out and all that.  Now?  Not so much.  I still enjoy working out and being athletic, and I have no intention of letting myself go, but for the first time in a long time, I gave myself permission not to care so much, and it felt really good.  I've gained some weight and lost some strength, but I'm okay with it.  I figure I'll get back into a gym routine one of these days and I'll probably lose that weight again.  If I don't, oh well, I still feel pretty great about the way I look.

I never intended to take six weeks off, but it just sorta happened.  When I first went back to Oregon in early February, I was devoting all of my time to Z and working things out there.  And I was pretty exhausted from the emotions of it all.  And by the time I was over the exhaustion, my headaches were getting so debilitating that working out really wasn't an option anyway.  I told myself that today I would go to yoga, but I didn't really believe myself until I was there.  I kind of knew all day long that I would probably give myself one more day off.  But then I talked to Z right before the class started, and I told him I was debating between yoga and a nap.  He made the very good point that I'd feel better after yoga than I would after a nap.  So I went.  And it was good, and I'm glad to have broken my sloth streak.

I've noticed something in my years of yoga practice.  All instructors have their favorite buzz words.  Words they use over and over and over throughout a class.  And inevitably, whatever buzz word they use, they're either mispronouncing it or using it entirely incorrectly.  Always.  There's one instructor at the Gold's here who's always telling us to feel our "gluTEEal" muscles, with a crazy emphasis on the middle syllable.  It's one thing to mispronounce the Sanskrit words for the poses and moves, but it's an entirely different thing to mispronounce English words that they use over and over all the goddamn time.  I love yoga and I love the instructors -- this is just a weird quirk that I've noticed is almost universal.  Tonight's instructor kept telling us to "evolve" our bodies when she meant "twist" (even "revolve" doesn't really fit with what we were doing).  "Evolve your shoulders to the left."  "Evolve your torso over your thighs."  "Evolve your whole upper body to the right."  

Anyway, it felt good to be back in the gym, and I do intend to go back again tomorrow.  You know, so I can feel more evolved.

I also had my first session with Dr. P since I was last in Cville.  It went really well, and as always, I left feeling energized and optimistic.  I had a nice talk with Z about the progress I've made and the things I'm working on.  Basically everyone in my life (including my therapist and myself) is really surprised at how dramatically I've changed, and how positive those changes are.  I'm a long way from "all better," but I feel really, really great.  And I'm proud of myself.  

I have an appointment with my physician tomorrow to refill my prescriptions and hopefully figure out my headaches.  I really don't like how there's always something wrong with me -- coccyx, wrist, headaches, etc. -- but in the grand scheme of things, my life is going pretty well.  So I'm not complaining.

I think the hardest lesson for me to learn, and probably also the most valuable, will be to stop comparing myself to others.

I do this less now than I used to, and I catch myself and sometimes even stop myself.  But it's hard.  I've always defined myself in comparison to others.  My identity has been very tied to that.  But that's held me back a lot, and I'm ready to let go.

Sometimes I feel like I'm meeting myself for the first time.