Depression. Bah.

[jianantonic]

I'm in a bout of depression. It's not a terrible one, but it is interfering in some things I need to do. This is the primary manifestation of the illness in me, actually. I just don't do things that I need to, for no good reason.

Right now, I have a couple bits of contract paperwork to fill out for two different deals I'm working on. The two contracts together equal almost twice as much money as I made all of last year, and the work will really only take me 15-20 minutes, and yet, here I am, looking for more ways to procrastinate. Why? I don't know. I don't have anything better to do. I don't have anything I even want to be doing right now. I've already slept as much as my body will let me today. But...having trouble making myself get any real work done. And this makes me feel all kinds of self-loathing. But I know it's depression, and I give myself permission to ride it out...for a little bit, anyway -- this shit needs to get done soon, though, and I will find the will to do it. That will may come from enlisting someone else to come over and crack the whip, but it'll get done. Just...not immediately.

On the topic of depression...you have probably seen all the stuff going around social media about the semicolon tattoo. It's a very trendy idea right now, this tattoo that is the symbol of perseverance through depression ("The writer could've ended the sentence, but chose not to"). I feel like kind of a douche for falling in with something that's so memeish, but it really did speak to me, and the semicolon has always been one of my favorite punctuation marks anyway, so I got one. Some people say it's about overcoming depression, but I don't think that's a thing that happens in most cases -- not mine, anyway. Depression will always be there, but for me, the tattoo is about pressing on, knowing there is more to the future, all that sappy stuff that people talk about. I mean, that shit's true. It does get better. And it can get bad again, but it gets better again, too.



I might get an ellipsis tattoo on another finger. It's another of my favorite punctuation tools, and it can have similar meaning. I'm not done yet...

Comments

[pinkhorizons.livejournal.com]

Hugs. Or *whip crack*. Whichever you need more right now ;)

I love the tattoo. I think maybe it's one of those things where the popularity is real, where it really connects with so many people. I have another friend who did something similar: he got the chemical symbol for serotonin (with the hexagons and lines and chemical letters) tattooed on his wrist. I like the finger choice!

[deepseasiren.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about your depression but I do understand, having suffered from it most of my adult life. * HUGS*

I totally forgot to ask you Meg did you get my postcard? Or maybe I did ask and I forgot what you told me lol.

Interesting tattoo. If it called out to you then it's meant to be.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Thanks Michelle. I did get your postcard (and I think I already told you so, but that's ok!). Thanks so much for reaching out. It's gestures like that that keep me from getting too low -- I'm so lucky to have people like you who care about me like that. And if you give me your mailing address for where you are for the next few months, I'll send you some more things -- I have lots of great stationery that's begging to be used :)

[deepseasiren.livejournal.com]

Thank GOD my parole officially ends on September 27th and I have to get my papers most likely on Monday the 28th to be able to go home FREE and CLEAR.

I sent you an inbox where I am at right now :). I'll send you more cards. I love postcards!!!

[kixeldorado.livejournal.com]

Personally, I dont think it's so much trendy as much as it just resonates with SO MANY people. I remember when I was struggling so hard wth it at the age of 19-23 (so 15 years ago) - there were no other people sharing their stories. There were no resources to say "YES I FEEL LIKE THIS TOO BUT IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE." It was "you're weird and defective go die in a hole." which probably explains why it's still so hard for me to talk about my own except to gloss over it as "bad brain day" because I still feel those remnants that I internalized as truth.

It's not popular, it's just that we're not being silent about it anymore, and holy shit look how many of us there actually are with this (which is also kind of messed up itself, but that's a separate topic).

I think if ever get a tattoo to document it, I will get script somewhere that says "depression lies."

Because it does.

You have an extra struggle to carry, but you are still a good person.  You are a great aunt, you are good at what you do, you love your friends, even when we are ranty and annoying or being dumb.

You are worthy of good things, even if Broken Brain says you are not.
*hugs*

Now do your paperwork so that the nice people can get their houses and you can go do something fun later, even if it's just a bike ride through the 'hood.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Thank you <3

I did the paperwork :)

[acousticel.livejournal.com]

Yay for this tattoo, getting the paperwork done, and sharing this with us. You've got me thinking of also getting this semicolon. I suffer from anxiety, which situationally leads into low moods, and in the past have used antidepressants to cope. I think I'd qualify to sport the hope symbol and brotherhood. I read all of your journals, even if I don't comment. Cheering you on!