Eventful Weekend

[jianantonic]

So many stories from the last few days.  This is going to be a long one, but here's an overview of what's included:  my niece is hilarious, fighting with old ladies, bridge and a bet for the ages, the saddest cake story ever, running is hard, the Blazers are awesome.

My Niece is Hilarious (and so is my brother)

On Friday afternoon, I called to catch up with my brother's family.  Frankie answered William's cell phone and we talked about seahorses and Brooklyn, and then this happened:
F:  Guess what Stacia gave me!
M:  Hmm...
F:  It's something you send in the mail!
M:  A letter?
F:  Yeah!  Guess who sent it!
M:  Stacia?
F:  Yeah!  You're a good guesser!
***
M:  So how's your little sister?  Does she do any new tricks?
F:  I can do a headstand!
Then I hear Rachel in the background:  Frankie, she can't see you...
I love that kid :)

So then WT took the phone:
WT:  Hey, for your birthday this year, you wanna come babysit your nieces?
M:  I'd love to but I doubt I can.
WT:  It's April 27th.
M:  I know my own birthday, assface.
We chatted a while longer, and as we're saying goodbye, he says, "Happy birthday, if I don't talk to you before then."  What a butthole.

Fighting with Old Ladies

I played Saturday and Sunday in the Portland sectional with Chris Moore from Seattle.  We had a fabulous time, but there were definitely some shenanigans at the table.  Incident #1 happened in the Saturday afternoon session.  We were playing East-West, and we were trying to clear some things up for our system when we came to the table.  I knew the opponents from local games, but didn't really *know* them.  Then...it got ugly.
We're just having a light chat about system, which is one of those things that people do at the table, but an opponent certainly has the right to ask you to hold the conversation during play.  That also happens frequently and it's no big deal.  But our opp, a woman I'll call F, didn't ask very nicely.  She just kind of snipped out of nowhere "You need to stop talking now."  Chris didn't like that very much, and he snarked back, "Nice to see you."  Apparently, them's fightin' words.  F started rambling now like, "hey now, you don't know me, I'm nice, I just can't handle talking during the hands."  All fine, but very accusatory and kind of mean.  The bidding proceeds, and they end in 3N.  I am in the pass out seat, but F picks up her bidding cards before I can make my last pass.  This is also common bridge behavior, but it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine, because it's really not okay.  So I spoke up.  "I have another call, you know."
F:  You're not going to bid anything.
M:  I certainly could.  You don't know that.
F exasperatedly put her bidding cards back out, and I passed.  THAT pissed her off.  I said something like "I can also be a stickler for the rules."  She thought I was just being bitchy in response to earlier, but the truth is I do this every time this happens.  But anyway she took offense and again was like "YOU DON'T KNOW ME, I'm not some bitch, blah blah blah" and at that point I couldn't hold it in anymore.
M:  No, I really don't know you, and you don't know me --
F:  Oh yes I do!
M:  Anyway...the only time we've ever talked to each other was at the Ace two years ago when you insulted my haircut.
F:  I would never do that!  I love your hair! 
F's partner:  That doesn't sound like something you (F) would say.
Chris:  No, that sounds like you to me.  (He meant F, but she interpreted it as me, like he's defending her.)
F:  That's right.  I wouldn't say that.  You must have me confused.
Chris:  No, I meant you...
F:  DIRECTOR!
So a director who is not my husband comes to the table, and F starts narrating the story VERY one-sidedly, which is the way it always goes in a situation like this.
F:  I VERY politely asked them to hold their conversation, and then MRS. MYERS over here (harping on the fact that I'm married to the director in charge, which is where I got REALLY offended) said I was mean to her and told her I hated her hair and that's not true and blah blah blah...
Director:  That's enough.  Just play the hand.  No one else talks anymore at this table.
F:  Now, let's see, who's your husband? (looking at me)
M:  Hey now, I take exception to that.
F:  You should!
Director:  I said no more talking, F, now that's a 1/3 board penalty. 
F:  I didn't do anything, she's the one...
Director:  I already gave you one penalty, that's two.  Want some more?
So that's the story of how a player called for zero tolerance ruling against me and ended up with two of them against herself instead.

That would've made it a great story in itself, but it actually gets better, with a warm fuzzy ending and everything.  After the round, she started to realize what a jerkface she'd been, and she apologized.  She said "I really do like you and I love your hair and I'm sure I would never insult it." 
M:  That's not the kind of thing a person forgets.
F:  What did I say?
M:  You said it looked better long and I never should have cut it.
F:  Oh well that must have been a long time ago, you have long hair now.
M:  Two years.  But it's the kind of thing a girl remembers pretty vividly.
F:  Well I think you have beautiful hair.
M:  Mmhmm.  Thanks.

That kind of smoothed things over a little, but I was so mad about the whole MRS. MYERS thing that I was shaking for two more rounds.  But she did apologize...

So that ended the round and we moved on.  We were absolutely overjoyed to be sitting opposite them again in the evening session, when we were playing 3-board rounds (about 7 minutes longer).  They came to our table early on, and as soon as they sat down, she apologized again.  We played our boards and finished with lots of time left over, and got to chatting.  I was still tense and uncomfortable, but she was obviously trying to make nice.  She grabbed my hand and asked about my ring (a costume piece from H&M), saying she loved it.  I told her it was just a cheap piece from H&M, and she lit up and told me her sweater was from H&M, but she can't get anything else there because she's too old.  I lightened up here and said "You can shop wherever you want" in a friendly tone, and then the conversation got kinda weird.
F:  Oh, well, all those dresses and skirts are so short.  But you look great in them.  You're so confident in really sexy clothes.
M:  Well, after being overweight through college, I feel like I need to take advantage while I'm still young.
And then THAT launched a conversation about weight insecurities, and F told us about how she has messed shoulders and that makes one of her boobs hang lower than the other one and seriously, shit just got weird.  It was like, let's overcompensate for our spat, and prove we're friends by sharing our deepest insecurities.  Awkward.  But the next day, we played an entire 9-board round against her again and it was very pleasant and fun.  The fight is water under the bridge, but still a good story.

Then there was this other bitch...

A few rounds later, we're playing against an older couple, and things seem normal.  I don't know them, so there's no small talk or anything, everything is standard, and on the second of three boards, we're defending 1N while my RHO, the woman, is declaring.  We finish the hand, she's down 1.  Chris, I, and the dummy all repeat "down one" and give the general body language and verbal cues that we are in agreement.  Chris and the dummy both shuffle their cards and put them away.  RHO isn't sure, though.  She says she doesn't know what happened at the end (Chris had two winners and showed them before we all agreed down one).  Everyone indicates that Chris had the last two, but she's mad because he's already folded up his cards.  This could be considered wrong of Chris, but it was an honest error -- it felt like everyone was in agreement, and dummy folded his cards, too.  But Chris realizes he should have waited, and so he apologizes, and offers to reconstruct the hand.  I point out that my cards are still in order and I'd be happy to go over it too.  But this woman WILL NOT accept his apology. 
RHO:  I'M the declarer.  I'M in charge here!
Chris:  You're right, I'm sorry.  We can --
RHO:  I'm old and simple-minded and I don't think as fast as you CHILDREN.
Chris:  My apologies.  Here, let's --
RHO:  YOU don't get to decide when the hand is over.  That's not up to you!
Chris:  I really don't know how else I can apologize.
At this point, she starts flipping through her tricks to confirm that she has taken 6 of them, and finally agrees that she is down one.  Then she starts up again:  You know, one day you won't be NINETEEN anymore (Chris does not look old by any means, but he is in his 30's and is completely grey) and then you'll understand you need to be more POLITE!
M:  My partner has already apologized to you.  At this point, it feels like you are just badgering him.
RHO:  I AM badgering him!
M:  Well, that's not okay.
RHO:  NOW YOU'RE BADGERING ME AND YOU NEED TO STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Holy shit, y'all.  We didn't call for a ZT against her, because I really don't want to create any appearances of the director's wife taking any sort of advantages, but that bitch fucking deserved it.  Pretty sure she had about a 35% game, though, so it's not like a penalty would've made a difference.  But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about when I say that many bridge players discriminate against young people.

For the record, I was dressed totally normally that day.  Conservative sweater dress and leggings, and I wasn't even wearing makeup.  The pink hair came later.

This was also the day of The Saddest Cake Story Ever

The hospitality crew had put out cake early on Saturday.  I had waited, but made a mental note that I'd get some later.  Midway through the second session, I remarked to Chris that I was still too full to get a piece now, but that I was really looking forward to scarfing down some cake before the end of the day.  He mentioned that I must not want it THAT badly since I wasn't hoarding a piece for later.  True, but my hands were already full, so I said "If it's not there later, it's just not meant to be."

When the session ended, we were standing around waiting for results when I remembered the cake.  "CAKE!" I yelled as I made a bee-line for the refreshments.  I got there just in time to see the hospitality chairwoman sweep the few remaining pieces into the garbage.  It totally happened in slow motion.  It was such a sad violins kind of moment. 

The Bet

My team for the weekend was 100% Chris.  Chris Gibson, Chris Weigand, Chris Moore, and me.  The Chris is silent in my name.  There were lots of jokes about how I needed to change my name, and I told Chris Moore that if we win a national title together, (we're playing one event together at the upcoming nationals, but I'm sure we'll play lots in the future, too) I will legally change my name.  At first it was just going to be to Chris, but I decided to make it more fun by making it ANY NAME THAT HE CHOOSES.  I wrote up a contract and everything.  So if Chris and I EVER win a national title together, he gets to change my name.  I hope he picks something awesome.  I'll have a really fun time explaining to people why my name is Lamesauce Bojangles McGhee.

I posted about this bet on Facebook, and a lot of people have suggested that I would throw the event if it looked like we were actually in contention.  Hell no!  A name change is a small price to pay for a national title!  My friend Joel understands.  "Hell, I'd get a SEX change for a national title!"

Running is Hard

I had been dreading my Sunday run, because in addition to being the long run for the week, I'd have to squeeze it in between a late night on Saturday and an early start on Sunday at the bridge tournament.  I seriously had nightmares leading up to this run.  It was only supposed to be 6 miles, which is getting close to my previous max, but it's something I've certainly done several times before.  Uninteresting details omitted, I ran 7 miles and felt just dandy about it.  Huzzah.  Still terrified about the half marathon.

The Blazers are Awesome

Last night's game was the best basketball game I've ever seen.  I've never been so excited, and plenty of you have seen me get plenty excited about sports.  If you want the details, read 'em on ESPN or something, but I just wanted to note that I was there, and it was amazing.  I'll never forget the look on Shellie's face, the way we both screamed, or the way the whole team tackled LaMarcus Aldridge after his buzzer-beating game-winner.  I love this team and I love being their fan.  They're good guys.