Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I always knew that Em & Chris's residency in Vancouver was temporary. They had just applied for permanent residency as a just-in-case measure, but I knew they had plans B and C and D and were going to keep looking for other opportunities. I'd hoped the best ones they'd find would still be in the PNW (or SW, from Canada's perspective), but alas, I knew that was also unlikely.

It's not official yet, but Em said today they've decided to accept a job offer for Chris in North Carolina. (They haven't told their families yet, so if anyone here happens to be connected, shh.) I am super bummed they're leaving the driving distance zone, but I understand. Truthfully, we didn't visit each other in each other's homes very often anyway. We see each other back in Virginia almost as often as we do out here. Still, though, the possibility of planning these visits is just so much simpler with them here. Oh well. Planes are a thing. I like flying. It's doable. I'll still see them lots. And the opportunity sounds really good for them. I mourn for my nephew to grow up in the south, but he's got good hippie parents, and Canadian citizenship, so he should be alright.

I made Emily promise me that she will use some of the extra flexibility this opportunity affords her to take a trip with me in 2018 to Yellowstone National Park. She's a geologist and she's never been! I think it'll be a great trip for us to do together. I'll show her a part of the country she's never seen, and she'll teach me all the cool science-y stuff that I won't learn from just walking around the park on my own. Details tbd, but this is happening.

Speaking of not official yet...

Toby knows I'd really like a proposal. I mentioned to him when we first moved in together that I had never really had a proposal, and it's something I want, when he's ready, and I didn't want to talk too much about marriage until then. I want it to be a surprise, and I don't want to just be de facto engaged. But here's the thing -- being a responsible adult means planning for the future, and we've done a lot of talking about 'when we're married' and how we'll budget things and it turns out we've gotten ourselves de facto engaged. We've agreed we should get married before the end of 2017 so I can get on his sweet, sweet health insurance before the ACA goes away (although maybe it won't?! but still, his work insurance is way better and way cheaper than the silver plan I pay $375/mo for!). We've even done a little wedding planning.

But there hasn't been a proposal yet. He knows I still want one, even if it's already a foregone conclusion. He has all the information he needs regarding what I want in a ring (nothing outrageous or very expensive), and he recently verified my ring size. So.

Some have theorized I should expect a proposal on this trip. Maybe while we're in Scotland? It does make sense, but here's why I'm not sure that would happen:
1. Toby's kinda slow to get shit done that's not for work, so even if he fully intended this, I'd honestly be surprised if he'd gotten the ring already.
2. We'll be in Scotland for his brother's wedding. Not sure if he'd feel uncomfortable about thunder-stealing or whatever.
3. However he does it, I really don't expect a big thing. He's too introverted to make a production of it, so I almost expect him to just ask me at home once he's got the ring or something. That way he also doesn't have to worry about hiding it in the luggage without me accidentally noticing before I'm supposed to or something.
4. I need to temper my own expectations, because if I go into this trip convinced it's gonna happen and it doesn't, I might be bummed or impatient or something. I'll be thrilled if he does propose soon, but honestly I really don't expect it. I think he will surprise me with the timing if not with the question itself ;)

So, y'know, maybe. But I won't hold my breath. And I do recognize how silly it is for me to want this ritual when we are already basically planning the wedding/marriage.

About those plans...we do want a small, informal ceremony, but that's not gonna happen this year. Maybe we'll do a thing on our birthday next year? (We have the same birthday.) But we do need to do the official business of it before the end of 2017, so we'll see what happens. Also I need to decide what to do about my last name. I'm more than ready to ditch Myers -- but it's on all my professional stuff. My website and my business cards and logo and all that are under Myers. I could keep using it just for work I guess. Or I'll get a new site and redirect it? Whatever, this is not a big deal. Just something else we've both been talking about a lot already for people who aren't actually "engaged." Pffft.

I've got a million things I really need to be working on today, but for the most part, that's just not going to happen. Maybe I'll be productive tomorrow.

Last night was Ross's birthday party. He always throws a huge shindig at his place, with live music, stand-up comedy, dancing, food, and lots of booze. I always meet awesome people there and have a great time -- I've known him a year and change, and he does the parties for his birthdays and also a winter version, so it was my third one. Last night, Toby and I decided after lots of fun times that it was probably time to go, and we gathered our things, thinking it must be about 1am. It was 3:30. Holy shit. So today's plans were already in jeopardy at that point. Then when we got in our Uber, I started feeling not so great. About halfway home, I asked the driver to pull over, so that I could gather myself in the fresh air and not puke in his car. Luckily, I didn't puke at all, but as soon as I was out of the car gathering myself, Toby came to my side, and the driver pulled away. Toby had told him to go on, but really I didn't think I needed that much time. Oops. So we ended up waiting in the cold for about 15 minutes while we waited for the next available driver. The rest of the ride home was no piece of cake, but we made it, and once I got to bed, I felt a lot better. Toby actually ended up barfing a bit before bed, but he said he felt much better for it and not to worry. Okay then.

Having been working hard all week to get up earlier and be active in the mornings, my body was well into that pattern, and was not interested in letting me get the sleep I so very much needed to fight off the massive hangover I had dealt myself. So I was awake and feeling fucking terrible at 7am. I drank a lot of water and shuffled around the bedroom rather aimlessly for a while, and after maybe an hour of just feeling like total ass, I remembered that aspirin is a thing! So I took some, and as soon as it started to take effect, I was able to drift off to a much more comfortable sleep. Toby and I both had different places to be at 3, so at 1:30, I decided it was time to work on getting up. Toby was out COLD. I had been awake for a bit and rubbing his back and while reading, and usually this sort of thing elicits a few satisfied mumbles from him, but he was almost entirely unresponsive. I finally had to just wake him up so we'd get to where we were going on time, but when he got up, he was sick again. Poor guy. We did finally get out the door, and he assured me he was doing better, but the car ride sorta got to him, too, so we pulled over for a bit for him to collect himself. I dropped him off soon after, and he says he's doing much better now. I'm glad. I haven't been feeling hungover since taking the aspirin, but I've been void of energy all day. I was only out for a couple of hours, and when I made it back home, the plan was to go for a run, but the reality was to go to sleep. Cleopatrick and I got some good cuddle time, and I really enjoyed those additional hours of rest. I came downstairs to have a sandwich for dinner, and have been toying with the idea of some sort of exercise still, but...no. Today is a write-off. So I've been doing some puzzles and online games and just listening to music and drinking water, letting myself recover. I have an open house tomorrow, and plans every day next week, so I'll be back in the swing of things shortly. A nothing day is fine.

I did talk to some family on Facebook, though. My cousin Laura and her husband are splitting up. I don't know any of the details and I'm not sure if I ever will, but I messaged both of them to let them know I'm thinking of them and love them. Of all the marriages in my family, I really had considered theirs one of the very strongest. I'm not around them much, but I've always been close with Laura, and just everything about their relationship that I'd witnessed was the kind of stuff that makes even happy people really jealous. So it's a real shock that they're splitting. Above all, I feel terrible for them, because I know the heartbreak first hand and I care about them both very much and it's so sad. But in the abstract, their split makes me feel kind of comforted? Like, relationship perfection isn't what it seems, and I can retroactively kind of ease the pull of the jealousy I used to feel. It's hard to explain. It's not schadenfraude, because again I am SAD for them. I guess it's just kind of enlightening? And now I'm no longer the only one in my entire goddamn family who's been divorced. The closest divorce in my family is my aunt on the other side, who has been separated, but not divorced, from her husband for twentysome years. No one else in my extended family on either side, going out as far as I actually know my relatives, has been divorced. Being a divorcee in this family has felt a lot like I imagine it would have felt like in the 50's. People just DON'T do it, and they don't know how to relate to those very few of us who have. So...in a way I feel like their split brings me closer to my family, or my family closer to me. These reflections make me feel like I'm kind of horrible, finding a selfish benefit in their sad circumstances. I mean...ugh. I'm not happy. But yeah, the situation has led me to find a silver lining that is only my own. Anyway.

And then, Toby. I am so happy with him. And I think we do have this crazy strong relationship. Others probably would be jealous of it except for the fact that we are non-monogamous, and most folks I know can't really wrap their heads around that. Like they assume we're happy about our relationship except for the poly part. And...no? There are times he's with his other partner when I wish he was here, but there are also times when he's at work and I wish he was here instead. And all of those times, if I say to him that I need him to put me first and be here, he will. So it's not something that bothers me. I like dating others, too, but I do find that I'm not really as interested in pursuing whole romantic relationships with others. I have formed a lot of new relationships over the last year, and most of them are just friends. Even some of the romantic-ish relationships I've had are really only a notch beyond completely platonic. Toby is the only serious partner I have right now, and I'm happy in this situation. But I don't want monogamy. I still like going on dates, I still like that it's okay to explore any feelings that develop, I still like first kisses, etc. Those things just aren't at all attached to the notion that the person I'm seeing could be "the one" or fill some major role in my life that's currently vacant. It's so liberating to date like that. The pressure is entirely off, and everything feels really authentic. And so far, that part of me just wants to cuddle a little and play board games and sometimes kiss :)

I had a meeting with a personal injury attorney this morning about my car accident case. I'd met with another lawyer previously, but he had to refer me because he didn't have the bandwidth to take my case, though he had been very optimistic about it. The lawyer I met with today was much less so, and now I'm left wondering how to move forward with the case. Awesome. More difficult decisions.

I thought I had a much more crammed schedule today, but unless I'm completely forgetting something, I really don't. So instead of going to BodyPump at 5:30 like I usually do on Mondays, I'm going to yoga at noon. I went to pump yesterday, so it's good to give myself a day off in between. I'll go to another one soon though. And I think I really need yoga right now.

After that, I have a session with my marriage counselor, again just one-on-one rather than with McKenzie. Everything about this situation is so hard. I suppose it will be easier in the future no matter which direction we go, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier for me to move forward one way or another. I'm sad and scared all the time. It really sucks.

I held two open houses this weekend. Well, one house, but two times. I feel like I'm still not great at talking to the people that come through. I can answer questions about the house, sure, but the real purpose is to pick up clients from the people who are looking. I'd been whiffing at that the first bunch of times I held opens, but practice makes perfect, right? So I'll keep at it until I get better. Today was the first time when I felt like I met some people who might actually call me. Part of the problem is that I keep holding this same house open, and it's been on the market for a while and it's shop worn. It would be better to get a new listing to hold open, but I guess at least I'm familiar with this one...

I am anxious. I want to get better, faster. I want more time to spend on real estate, but the problem is that I'm not making money at it yet, so I can't afford to not make my hours at my paying job my top priority. With all my personal life upheaval, it just feels like I have very little time to put toward this thing that I really want to be a big thing in my life. I'll get there, though. Once I get a couple of closings under my belt, I'll be able to reduce my hours (quit?) at the insurance job and put more time into Realtoring.

I mentioned personal life upheaval. Yeah. That's happening. I mean, it has been for a while. Maybe it would be more of an upheaval if things were calm. I'm just so sad all the time. McKenzie is sad all the time. I think it's probably exhausting to be my friend right now, because all I talk about is how sad I am, and how things are just in a repetitive cycle of sad. That's why I'm not posting much these days. It's just the same sad stuff around and around again. My marriage is in trouble. But I love my husband. He loves me. We're both sad. We both want it to work. But we're failing. Are we breaking up? Are we staying together? When will we make a decision that sticks, one way or the other? It's so draining. He changed his travel plans and will be coming home tomorrow so that we can do some emergency relationship maintenance. Maintenance may not be the right word. But the point is we're going to work together toward progress of some kind.

I'm trying to keep myself busy with productive, creative, and healthy endeavors. I'm going to the gym regularly, hiking when I can get friends to join me in the cold, wet outdoors, and just trying to be around friends more. My friends are wonderful people. They rally hard for me when they know I'm suffering. They make sure I always know I'm loved and appreciated. They entertain me. I include my LJ friends in that group, too. I am so grateful for this platform. I'm sad it's not what it used to be and so many people have stopped using it, but I've also made so many great friends here by looking for new people when my friends list went quiet, so in a way I'm glad it's not what it used to be, too.

Anyway, if you're one of those friends who'd like to be there for me more, but you live far away, may I suggest a visit to Portland? I've got guest rooms and airline miles I'm happy to share. I'd be really grateful for company, for the opportunity to focus on being a Portland ambassador, for in-person hugs.

I mentioned before that I don't like the idea of resolutions -- you should try to better yourself whenever you can, not just because the calendar says it's time. That said, a lot of changes I'm trying to make sort of line up with the turning of the calendar, so, what the hell, my New Year's resolutions for 2015:

Drink less soda -- not sure if I am going to cut it out completely, but I need to cut way back for sure. I'm going back to my policy of not stocking it in my fridge or at my office. When I have a case of it around, I tend to chain-drink them. So I'm going back to what was a successful policy of purchasing no more than one soda at a time. If I need another, I have to go back to 7-11 or whatever. I was sticking to this really well for the first part of the year, and then I thought I'd reduced my intake enough that I had the addiction side of it under control and it was just being wasteful/financially unsound to buy them one at a time, so I started buying cases again, and...whoops. So anyway I'm weaning off. I'm letting myself drink what's left at whatever pace, but when it's gone, it's gone. I thought I had close to a whole case at my office, so I figured I'd get at least a few days to taper off. But then when I got here this morning, there was none. So I guess the weaning will be less gradual than I thought. Here's hoping my caffeine withdrawal headache doesn't send me into a murderous rampage before lunch.

Reduce screen time -- I have this terrible habit of going to bed with my laptop and then playing Netflix all night, which means I never get good rest and there are a million studies that say how bad screen time at bedtime is, so I know, I know, it's gotta stop. I'm sure the combination of my poor sleep and my soda binging has a lot to do with my constant fatigue.

Get seahorses -- The tank is THISCLOSE to ready. There was a leak that I had trouble fixing, so that was kind of a setback, but I was able to make the repair yesterday and I'm pretty sure everything is back to functional. The problem is that the water sat stagnant for a while, because I couldn't run the filter system until I fixed the leak in the sump, so the salinity is way too high right now. I have to top it off with fresh water and let it cycle a little more until it's back to a normal level. THEN I can put fish in. SOON!

Sell houses -- Anyone want to buy a house in Portland? The market is great for investors right now. Rental demand is very high, so it's a great place to be a landlord. Seriously. Call me.

Lose weight -- I'm such a cliche. But the combination of all my bad habits has really caught up to me in a bad way, and I'm not happy with my body right now. So this one is twofold: eat better/smarter and work out harder. I'm signed up for a 5K at the end of January, and I intend to do a 10K in February. I should probably go ahead and sign up so that I'm committed to it. But I need to do a lot more than just running. That's not enough to keep a girl in shape. I went to a yoga class yesterday, and I'm back to seeing Ertan weekly. I need to get back to regular Pump classes, and there's a new class I want to try called GRIT Strength, but I'm afraid it's going to kill me. But I'm gonna try.

Be a better wife and partner -- Something I've been working on all year. I'm making progress.

Keep my house and car clean(er) -- Keeping it cleaner won't be hard. Keeping it clean...eh. I'm really hopeful that I'll make enough money in real estate to hire a regular cleaning service...

So that's what I'm working on. Encourage me? Thanks!

I need to be productive today. I have let myself sleep in and relax a little bit, but soon it will be time to get this shit moving. I'm working on my real estate tools, going through the slow and tedious process of adding everyone I know who might ever buy or sell a home in Oregon to my work database. I have ideas swirling around for my website, too, but I haven't decided on anything concrete yet. My friend Paul gave me the BEST IDEA EVER for one of the tasks I have to tackle, but I'm not going to write about it specifically because that will spoil the fun surprise that's coming.

Other things I need to do today: go to the gym, go to the fabric store and get materials for the next project in my sewing class, whatever real estate work I can do, and maybe be crafty. I have some incomplete jewelry projects I could work on, and may do some practice stuff with my sewing machine. Blazers fan fest is this evening, and i'm going to that with Shellie, so I guess I need to get all these things done before then. I am so freaking excited that it's basketball season again, finally. I love the Blazers.

Last night, Z and I went on a movie date for the first time in a long time. We didn't know anything about anything that's showing now, but we both liked what we read about The Skeleton Twins, so we decided to go see that. It was definitely a good movie. But. It was kind of absolutely the wrong thing for us to see together. Way too many parallels to the shit we've been going through, and it got really hard to sit in the theater together with that weight on us both. We did talk it through after the movie, though, and I'm really pleased that we were able to do that in a healthy and productive way. I was really afraid the effect of the movie would be that we'd both be bristly and uncomfortable with each other for days, but we talked and the bristliness went away within a few minutes instead. Yay progress! So my review of the movie is that it's good and often funny but you shouldn't see it if you're in the middle of relationship struggles, and you definitely shouldn't see it with the person with whom you are relationship struggling. 

McKenzie got home yesterday evening and we had a session with our counselor. The last few weeks have been brutally hard and I've been having a difficult time thinking about the future. I have so many potential plans that I just haven't been able to commit to because I don't know if I'll be married or divorcing, financially okay or broke, etc. Am I going to Providence for the NABC? Will I go to Virginia for Thanksgiving? What about Christmas? Am I buying a new car? What am I looking for? So many of these decisions hinge on whether I am married and have the support of my husband or if I am rebuilding life on my own. But decisions need to be made.  I mentioned this to our counselor last night and he said "You're married! Operate on that basis until you learn otherwise. You can change plans."

Seems obvious, right? But now that I'm thinking of it that way, I'm not feeling so close to the edge of the marriage, and that's good. So I'm going to make my plans for Providence as soon as I can get the OK from work. I'm not letting myself book tickets until I finish real estate school, though. It's actually my plan to finish this weekend and schedule the test for next week or the week after. Wish me luck and productivity!

The therapy session last night was really difficult, and I sobbed basically throughout, but it was overall very positive. I feel much more secure and confident than I did before going in. I don't know how long that feeling will last, as the recent trend has been extreme volatility, but I've learned not to expect a certain future. Just go with what is true right now, and adjust plans as needed when things change. Breathe.

I'm trying so hard and the ROI feels like it's diminishing. When do I know I'm done?

I can't let go as long as there's any inkling of hope. Every time I start to let myself let go, something stops me. Sometimes external, sometimes internal. I thought we were done just before my car accident. Then I thought the accident was a turning point. Now I realize it wasn't. It was just something that pulled us back from another cliff. What if I'd died? What if I'd been seriously injured and needed care for the rest of my life? Would McKenzie have been willing to be my caregiver? Even if I was incapacitated to the point where I could never have a meaningful conversation again, never resolve the shit we've been through? Honestly...I doubt it. And that thought sucks. A lot of my thoughts suck, actually.

McKenzie doesn't seem to believe I'm a good person. It's not that he thinks I'm bad, and he says he wants to believe I'm good, but the past weighs so heavily on his opinion of me. My past is shitty and I understand why it does. But it's so frustrating that I am working so hard and making real and positive progress and I feel like he doesn't see it. He says he recognizes and appreciates the work I've done, but then he also says things that indicate that he doesn't think I've changed much at all. Or the big changes I've made are still so far from what he needs from me. I know I'm better than he thinks I am. I know I deserve a partner who thinks I'm awesome. But what we're going through right now is really harming my self esteem. The more my own self worth plummets, the harder it is for me to tell myself I deserve better and release myself from this spiral of fear and worry.

In spite of all this shit, though, I know we can be a great couple. I know a lot of ways that we already are a great couple. I love my husband tremendously and I know he loves me. But we keep missing and I don't know how much longer I can live with this kind of pressure and misery and frustration. Something big has to change. But what, and how? It feels like the obvious answer is that we break up. But for some reason we can't. The fact that neither of us wants to has to be good for something, right?

I hate this. I'm trying, though.

I've had a sore neck and a headache all day, but other than that nagging pain, I've been getting around just fine. Shanon and Sloane came by to check on me in the morning, so I got some much-needed baby cuddles. McKenzie stayed home with me for the day to help me take care of other errands, like retrieving our things from the car at the tow yard. I took some pictures of it when I got there...I was worried it would be an awful trigger to see it (for either me or McKenzie), or to even drive by the scene of the accident on 26, which I did three times today, but it didn't bother me as much as I expected. Here's what the car looks like now:

It's nice that I'm familiar with auto claims, because I know exactly how the process goes and what I need to do. I'm way ahead of the game, and I found out that the other guy's insurer has an office in the same complex as mine, so I can even follow up in person if I want. I'm thinking it might be beneficial to me if they know I work in claims. They at least won't try to fuck with me. And hopefully they'll appreciate that I got a killer price on the rental car I'm charging them for, and I've already signed over the title for the total loss, so they don't have to pay the tow yard to store my vehicle while I get my act together on that. Basically I've done most of their job for them, and they haven't even seen the claim yet because it's a weekend.

McKenzie helped me get groceries for the week -- lifting isn't fun right now, so it was helpful to have him schlep all that stuff. Then we went to pick up my rental car. I should get to keep it until the total loss is settled, which, again, will be pretty speedy and will save the insurance company even more money for the rental car...the physical damage side of the loss is where I'm their dream claimant. The bodily injury claim, though, I'm a nightmare, because they know they can't dick me around. BI claims generally take forever to settle and often involve lawyers. I'm not going to hire a lawyer because I know how to negotiate it myself without handing over 40% of the settlement. But it'll probably be a long time before that part of the claim is closed, because first I have to determine either that my injuries are healed or that I'm comfortable accepting a settlement in exchange for a release of the claim, meaning I take their offer but sign away my right to ask for them to pay for future treatment. Soft tissue injuries are a bitch because they can persist indefinitely and there's no real way to treat them. You can get massage or chiropractic, but it's not like something's broken that you can just put back together. A lot of people have lifelong side effects from accidents like this. Usually it's nothing terribly serious or debilitating, but obviously I want to rule that out before I decide I'm done with the claim...either that or demand a huge fucking settlement so I can pay for treatment for the rest of my life. Anyway.

After running our errands, we went on a long walk through the neighborhood. The NP advised that I shouldn't run or lift weights until I'm feeling healed, but that I should definitely stay active to keep from getting too stiff. We walked around Aloha for about an hour, then came home and enjoyed a lovely nap. I went to games in the Pearl, and McKenzie drove on back to Oly from there. I didn't *need* him here for any of the things I did today, but I'm really, really grateful that he was here. Going through this trauma together has been a good thing for our relationship, imo. We'd been fighting and bickering so much lately, and were both so frustrated, but this sort of thing really clears away all the stupid insignificant shit and I feel like it brought our care for one another back into focus where it belongs. It didn't solve all our problems, but it put us in a much better position. Also, McKenzie loves the fact that I had a "rear-end accident." See it's funny because it's like saying I pooped in my pants. I swear to FSM that poop is the glue that holds our marriage together.

Time to pop some painkillers and get some snoozes. I know the car looks awful up there but I'm doing much better than you would think.

I'm back at work after a really fabulous overnight trip to Central Oregon with Z on Monday/Tuesday. I'd been wanting to go back to the McKenzie Pass for literally YEARS, since the first time I went, it was beautiful but too cloudy to see any of the mountain views. The pass is closed most of the year, and it's a long drive from Portland, so getting there isn't super convenient, but I finally nagged my husband about it enough to plan a getaway. I'd read in some BEST HIKES EVER article about Tamolitch Pool in Central Oregon, and it turns out that it's pretty near the Pass, so that was the first thing on our trip agenda. Holy shit, you guys, it's amazing.


Just look how blue that is! That water looks like it's just a few feet deep, but it's actually 30-40 feet deep. This is where the McKenzie River emerges from underground -- there's a big cave under the rocks to the left. The water in the pool looks totally still, but just to the right of the frame, it's rushing out, being the river that it is. The hike to the cliff here was pretty easy -- 2 miles, mostly flat -- but to get down to the water where those people are, you basically have to rock climb. It took us a really long time just to find something that looked like a path down, but we eventually got down to the water's edge. We put our feet in, but only for about a second, because HOLY SHIT it's piercingly cold. The water is 37 degrees. If it had been a more strenuous hike, maybe the cold would've felt good, but I don't know how hot I'd have to be for that to feel refreshing. I did the ice bucket challenge just the day before and that was CHILD'S PLAY compared to putting my toes in this water.

Anyway it was a beautiful day for hiking, and Oregon continues to dazzle me with its natural beauty.

After Tamolitch Pool, we drove on further up the Pass and stopped for a short hike at Proxy Falls. There are two sets of falls and a whole bunch of lava beds there, and I'm sure that hike would've impressed the shit out of me had I not just come from the previous one. As it was, it was beautiful, but kind of meh in comparison.

Our last hiking stop of the day was at the top of the McKenzie Pass, at Dee Wright Observatory. The summit of the Pass is an expansive field of lava beds from an eruption 360,000 years ago. The landscape is like being on the surface of another planet. From there, you can see Cascade peaks in 360 degrees. It was a clear day, and the views we got were absolutely breathtaking. I imagine it's even more stunning in the winter when all the peaks are white with snow, but you can't get there that time of year. Anyway I loved it.

We continued down the other side of the mountain range and stayed the night in Redmond, then did another hike along the Deschutes before taking off the next morning. I could not keep my eyes open on the drive back, which was a shame, because we drove through some beautiful parts of the wilderness, but I slept most of the way. I think Z was a little disappointed about that, and I am, too, but it sure felt good to sleep...

We got back to Portland in the late afternoon and had our first counseling session in about six weeks -- I hope we never go this long between sessions again. Counseling is good for us, but we were way overdue for some maintenance work. It was a difficult session. We've been all over the map emotionally the last few weeks, and I think more regular counseling will keep us more level...I think we're in a good place right now, mostly...but it's hard. It remains the biggest challenge I've ever faced, but I'm proud of the progress I've made and the work I continue to do. I think McKenzie feels the same way, but he is less hopeful than I am, which is very hard. Anyway. It's going reasonably well, but it's not smooth. We're doing our best. This mini-vacation was really, really good for both of us.