Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I am just born to be an aunt. No doubt. My sister-in-law posted a photo of my 6yo niece riding a two-wheeled bike, and I'm just so proud of that girl. I know it's not a huge deal and no one else has any reason to care, but these little milestones just stir up a lot of emotion in me. I love my girls so much.

I'm cohosting a baby shower for another friend tomorrow, and as I prepare for that, I'm getting really excited. Mary and Josh are good friends and they know how much I love my nieces, but I doubt they really understand how excited I am about their kid, too. I just love my role. There's some jealousy in not being a parent, though. I'm not the most important person to anyone. There's a bit of an unrequited love when it comes to the kids in my life -- most of them do love me, but none of them will ever really understand the way I love them. That's okay. I don't need unhealthy codependence to feel important. There are levels of connection I just won't get without being a mom, and those are definitely things on which I definitely understand I'm missing out -- but not enough to want all the other baggage that comes with parenthood. The point is, I love the kids in my life. I love the parents in my life. I'm really comfortable in my role as Auntie. And I hope my friends are comfortable with my self-installation as their kids' auntie, too. I respect boundaries, I promise!

I'm looking forward to squeezing on Sloane tomorrow, too.

Once recently when I was with Shanon and her kids, we were saying goodbye and I asked Jack for a hug. He said no, and I want to be respectful of that. Not to be alarmist or anything but I do think it's an early seed of rape culture to force kids to be affectionate when they don't want to be, so if a kid says s/he doesn't want a hug, I want them to know that that's okay and I respect that. I told Jack okay, no hug, and I got up and started to walk away. Then he came running after me with his arms open yelling "HEY!!" Little fucker was just trying to play hard to get. Ha. It definitely felt good when he did want a hug after all :) I tell him I love him and he says "I love you" back to me, but I think it's more reflexive to say that than it is an actual feeling right now. Still feels good.

I left work a little early and came straight to Shanon's house to hang out with Jack so that Brian could go be with his laboring wife. Jack was a little worried and confused at first -- he knows that Sloane is on her way, but he doesn't really grasp why that means Mommy and Daddy aren't at home. But I gave him some cheese, turned on RescueBots, and all signs of concern vanished. Then I got all domestic. I made a pizza for us to share for dinner. Okay, I didn't make it from scratch, but I used the actual oven! It wasn't some microwave copout. I unloaded their clean dishes from the dishwasher, which involved quite a bit of detective work. I think that this was helpful of me, but I'm sure I put some stuff back where they don't expect it to be and will spend many frustrating hours searching for sometime in the future.

While Jack ate and watched his show, I used Shanon's computer to do a few of my real estate courses. Jack would occasionally ask me to get him something, and he usually said "please" and "thank you" without being prompted at all, but once he asked me to get him more juice and told me "you're welcome" when I gave it to him. Still, though, I was super impressed with his manners. He is a notorious fit-thrower, so his pleasant demeanor was a very nice surprise.

When he finished his dinner, I asked him if he would come with me to my house so I could get some things to stay overnight. He was gung ho, and said "thank you" about seven times as I secured him in his car seat. Then I got in and sat in the driver's seat checking my phone for a moment before we got going. He became concerned that I hadn't buckled up yet, and reminded me to do so. Aww. (I hadn't started the car yet. Setting the caring-about-your-seatbelt example is very important to me!) We drove to my house and he babbled mostly things I couldn't understand, but I asked him some questions about Transformers and he was more than happy to ramble on and on about them.

The neighborhood kids were out playing when we got to my place, and Jack wanted to play with them. Shanon called at that moment, so I turned him loose with the other kids while I talked to her. She said she had had the epidural, but still wasn't dilated much and didn't think anything would happen soon. She was frustrated and missed her son, so she asked me to send a few pictures. While Jack was playing with the neighbor kids, one of them asked him if I was his mom. He said "yep!" :) When there was a lull in the kiddie conversation, Jack broke it by saying "thank you" to no one in particular. The neighbor kids just rolled with it and said "you're welcome!" I got my things and loaded him back in the car. Can I just say that I am a champ at carseat buckling? I rock at it...for someone who doesn't have kids, anyway. I think most moms can do that shit with their hands full and eyes closed while talking on the phone to someone with a thick foreign accent, but as far as ordinary childless plebes go, I'm awesome at carseats.

We walked Sam when we got home, and Jack said "thank you" to all the neighbors that we saw. He also thanked me for picking up Sam's poop, about which he wanted to have an extensive conversation. "How many poops?" "Is it smelly?" "Does he have to go some more?" We walked by two tall plants of some sort, and Jack spoke to them. "Hi Mommy!" he said to the first plant, and then "Hi Daddy!" to the one next to it. "I miss you, Mommy. I miss you, Daddy. Byebye! Thank you!"

Back at home, we did the bedtime thing, and I was texting Shanon throughout asking where things were and how the routine should go. She wasn't always super responsive, but the flow of the conversation was such that I didn't believe much was happening vaginawise. Then there was the following exchange:

M: Do you throw the dirty diapers in the trash or do you have a special receptacle for them?
<<10ish minutes of radio silence>>
S: {picture of a newborn} Just toss the diapers in any trash can. Sloane's here!

It was just so matter-of-fact. Like lalala sippy cups are in the upper left cabinet, Jack will want to sleep with his Optimus Prime toy, diapers in the trash, oh btw I had a baby, help yourself to anything in the fridge...

I read stories with Jack and tucked him in, and he was super cooperative about the whole bath and bed business. Said "thank you" a bunch more times...he's snoozing contentedly now.

So baby Sloane is here, and I will bring Jack to meet her at the hospital tomorrow afternoon. I have a massage appointment at 1, so Shanon arranged a half-day play date for him so that I could keep my appointment. I didn't tell her it was for a massage...just that I had something going on. I feel like an asshole taking time off to get a massage when she's just birthed a human. But I made the appointment a while ago, and dammit I want a massage. And she wouldn't be mad at me or anything, but I know she's in pain and tired and all that so I'm not gonna be like PEACE OUT, HOMIE, TIME TO PAMPER MYSELF. Not out loud, anyway.

I'll be aunt-on-call as long as Shanon is in the hospital, but I'm not sure if Brian is going to stay there another night or not. I may be staying here for another night or two. I'm really excited to take Jack to meet his baby sister. I'm not sure he understands just what is happening. He knows he's getting a new sister named Sloane, and he knows that Sloane was in his mommy's belly, but I'm not sure that he understands that Sloane comes out as an infant. I think the concept is just abstract to him. Anyway tomorrow should be fun, and I'm excited to meet my new niecelet, too.

I'm a little irked with myself over how much work I left for myself to do this week. I'm only here Monday and Tuesday, then it's off to Dallas, so it'll all be behind me soon, but I was kind of lazy last week. And of course I'm dealing with it all right now by ignoring it some more so I can write in my blog. What any reasonable adult would do.

I also feel like the weekend was over before it started. In truth, I got a lot done, and had a great time, but I'm used to my four-day weekends, and this time I just had two. Boo hoo.

I ran over to Shanon's on Saturday for a brief visit, and Jack was being super cute. I had lunch with them, and he invited me to sit in his high chair. Then when it was time to go, I said "Bye, sweetie!" and he said "Bye, sweetie!" back to me. That kid can be a real monster, but he also knows how to melt a heart.

Sunday I did my 7 miles on the treadmill at the gym while watching UVA beat Duke for the ACC title. I have mixed feelings about this. UVA looked seriously legit, and a lot of people I love are really happy that they won and got a #1 seed in the tournament, but, ugh, the last thing UVA needs is something else to be elitist about.

I went down to Salem in the afternoon to have my hair cut and repurpled. I told Angie to do whatever she wanted with it, and she went with a very-layered-in-the-back, longer in the front look. If I can reproduce her work well, it looks like a sassy vintage 'do. I'm not sure how well I'll do it, though, and it remains to be seen what it will do when I let it go curly...but I like it :) And I missed the deep purple. It's so nice to have that back. I keep thinking I'd like to try another color sometime, but I just love this purple so much!

Work today, BodyPump tonight, work tomorrow, helping a friend move in the evening, early morning run on Wednesday and then my flight to Dallas. I'm really looking forward to this NABC. I'm only entering two national events, but I have high hopes for both. Trying not to get too cocky about it, though. I don't want to be terribly disappointed when I don't win everything.

I'm doing well so far with reducing my DDP intake. I only had one yesterday, and have only had one so far today as well. I wake up with headaches in the morning, which I suspect are withdrawal-related, so I've been having a soda when I wake up and then sometimes another one with a meal later, but not yesterday, and I think I may make it through today without another. I do feel better. I definitely have more energy and feel more motivated to do things. Full disclosure: I am writing this sentence from my bed at 2:30pm. I've been out all day and came home and am feeling pretty well beat. But I give myself permission for that, since I've been pretty constantly on the go ever since I decided it was time to do something about my lethargy issues (a week ago). And I don't feel like this is lethargy. I'm just tired. Anyway.

Yesterday, I went to the bead faire at the convention center. sillygoosegirl came out to meet me there, and we helped each other do a little shopping :) Everything was wholesale, so I got what I feel are some great deals on some already assembled jewelry (an opal ring in sterling and four pairs of opal studs for $50 all together). I also bought some jewelry displays to help me organize my own stuff in my room, and lastly splurged on some beads that I think are pretty and I would love to use in jewelry that I do not yet know how to make. But I have the supplies from when I was really into jewelrymaking in my early 20's. (Into, but bad at...) But now there are things like YouTube and pinterest and helpful friends who can hopefully direct me.

This morning I went over to Shanon's and ran errands with her and Jack. Jack was really fun today. He was only a little cranky at first, and then we had lots of fun. He has lots of new words, and he loves to repeat, so I had to tone down the pottymouthing, but the cutest exchange was when I said "Holy cow!" to Shanon and he jumped in with "MOO!" Then later we saw a HUGE dog, and he started mooing again. Love that kid.

I have several stories to share from this weekend, and I'll get to them, but right now I just wanted to come here to say that I love my nieces so much, I can barely handle it.  My Facebook cover photo is a shot from last summer of me holding Bess, and both of us have the biggest smiles possible on our faces, and every time I see it, I just want to reach into the computer and give her all the hugs.  And Lucy and Frankie, too.  And Jack!  Being an aunt is just the best thing ever.  I can't even begin to imagine what a parent's love for their child must feel like, because I never imagined I could love anyone the way I love those little ones.  Not so little anymore, though -- Bess is about to turn 1, Lucy will be 9 in March, and Frankie is 5 in April.  And they're turning into such fascinating people!  I wish Brooklyn and Portland were closer together.  I'm glad Jack is here with me <3

I completed week 2 of the hundred pushups challenge today.  My wrist is holding up well enough.  Some pain, but more the kind of pain that comes from not using it in two years than the kind of pain that means "stop don't do this bad idea bad idea!"  So I'll press forward.

My new computer is nice.  I am pleased.  I got a not-very-bottom-of-the-line Acer Aspire.  It's light and pretty and so far has done all I've asked of it.  

I survived training with Ertan this afternoon after more than a month off.  He still worked me as though I hadn't missed any time, and I was pleased that I was able to keep up, and even bumped up a few of the weights I've been doing.  Huzzah.

I went to Shanon's from there -- it's been too long!  Jack was only a little hesitant at first, but he chilled out pretty quickly.  It just took him a moment to remember me, I guess.  But it was all good from there.  He wouldn't take his eyes off me, and he kept giving me flirty grins.  Shanon said his separation anxiety has been really horrible lately, and she expected him to scream most of the time she was gone until Brian got home from work to relieve me.  I hunkered down for it, and his chin quivered a little when she left, but he never did cry.  He started acting like he was gearing up for a tantrum, and I just started singing to him.  ("Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby" from O, Brother, Where Art Thou?)  He loved it.  He slumped his head down on my chest and went to sleep.  If I stopped singing, he'd wake up, and when I tried to put him down, he fussed, so I just sang that same song over and over for 20 minutes while I held him until Brian got home.  I was proud of myself that I got him to sleep, but most of all it felt really great that he was comfortable enough with me to be okay without his mom.  I love that little guy so much!  He's a handful, but he's a darling.  

I practiced some more on my clarinet when I got home, and now that it's almost dark I'm winding down for the night.  I feel great about today.

How did I not know this book existed?


Shanon had checked it out from the library just for me to read to Jack!  I loved it, and while he didn't seem all that interested, he did sit still long enough for me to get through the whole thing :)  As soon as I got home, I ordered it for my nieces.  They'll know who sent it as soon as it arrives, I'm sure.

I had a great afternoon with Shanon and Jack.  He was SO GOOD today.  He's almost 7 months old, and he's basically been the most difficult baby ever up til now, but today he was angelic.  He was all smiles and giggles and just wanted to play all day.  He gives kisses now (hugs were a new thing last time we hung out), and he gave me lots of them.  He loves me...or he's just a whore...but I think he really does love me.  He smiled really big when I arrived and he saw me for the first time.  Aww.  I love that kid so much!  They're on their way to Virginia tomorrow, so I'm hoping my mom will have a chance to meet Jack -- they're staying about a mile away from my parents' place, so hopefully they'll arrange something.  I also really need to get my parents back out to Oregon.  They've never met Katy, either.  Maybe this fall.  I have a lot of travel coming up now through August, but come September I'll be pretty well settled back at home and working my two jobs.  But I always have time for visitors!