Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I called my mom this evening to get the latest from Charlottesville, and also to share the exciting news that Toby's brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first kid this September. I've only met Toby's family over video calls, but I'm still very excited about adding another nibling to the mix. I'll meet them all this summer, and then will hopefully have a chance to go back with Toby after Christmas, too. We'll see if the finances work out for two Europe trips this year.

Anyway, Mom had a really interesting and unexpected reaction.

"You know, I've been thinking, with how much you love that cat...maybe you and Toby should have one."

!!!!!!

Okay, I don't want kids and my mom knows this. She's not going to pressure me or anything -- she's got enough grandkids to be content -- but she's NEVER encouraged me to have kids before. I was really touched that she said that, even if it isn't something I want at all. It's a real vote of confidence in Toby, too. Which of course he deserves, but I don't expect my parents to give him full marks since they still love McKenzie a lot and also since I really suck at marriage. But her saying that made me feel really good about how *she* feels about Toby. Yay :)

One of my favorite things about Toby from the very start of our relationship was and is how much he adores his nieces and nephews. He is a doting uncle and they love him back. Then couple that with the fact that he doesn't want his own kids, and he's already 90% of the way to being the perfect man for me. I think it's rare you find people who are so enthusiastic and being aunts and uncles who don't want their own kids. So to find someone whose enthusiasm matches mine on both sides of the equation was really a jackpot situation. AND he loves cats. I mean, he's fucking perfect, you know?

In other news, my friend Cristal won her first national bridge championship yesterday. I'm SO happy for her, and also SO jealous. I played with her in the Portland regional and had a great time. It's what got me revved up to want to play more tournaments. She's a stronger player than I am, so I don't harbor illusions that if only I'd been at the NABC, it would've been me...but a lot of my peers have been doing very well at this NABC, and I do feel like if I were competing there, I'd be celebrating my own successes as well. I don't know when I'll get back to nationals, but it won't be this year. Sigh.

I've been having a somewhat prolonged cry this morning. It started when I opened the dresser drawer in my old bedroom to stash some things for when I'm here over Xmas, and I found my doll, Dear Baby. Mom had put her in there to keep the kids from playing with her at Thanksgiving, because they can be rough and she's a very special doll to me. I slept with her every night until I was into high school. Something about seeing her in that drawer just made me ache, and I picked her up and held her and just cried, for I don't know what. My parents had already left for various obligations, so Toby and I were here packing up on our own. Crying led to more crying and I just haven't stopped for about an hour.

I'm thinking about my parents, and how much I love them and all that they mean to me, and it reminds me of a story my mom told me once. She was 28 years old, driving home from work or some errand, and she got to thinking about her dad and how much he meant to her. She was so overcome with emotion that she had to pull over to collect herself. When she arrived home, my dad gave her the news that her dad had passed away. And that story has really affected me. Every time I think about my parents, I wonder if I'm having the same kind of psychic experience my mom had when her dad died, and I just worry so hard. I kind of wish my mom hadn't ever told me that story.

I know they'll be gone one day whether I worry about it or not, and worrying only makes the present worse, but it's hard to logic one's way out of emotions. Thinking about how hard it will be is itself very hard.

Toby and I are off shortly, arriving in Portland late this evening. He'll go to C's house since he hasn't seen her in a while, so I'll have the next two nights on my own. I have some real estate work to do, and I have a kitten to pick up tomorrow morning. I won't be achingly lonely, but it does feel like having these fears is exacerbated by knowing I'll be alone tonight. I don't have feelings of jealousy toward C, or wish he wouldn't spend time with her when he does; I just always prefer to be with him than not. It's really nice to like someone that powerfully and positively. 

I'm at that point in the trip where almost everything is irritating me and I just want to be home. It's too hot to get comfortable, and every time I attempt to relax, someone is knocking on the door or barging into the room. My brother wanted to go to a restaurant in the next town over tonight. He's been here before and wanted to visit that place before we left. He invited me, but I declined, saying I wanted to go relax on my own for a while. He and Rachel both scoffed and laughed at me, saying "You need to relax after the long, taxing day you've had?" (I've been in my room resting almost all day.) YES, I DO.

This is how I am. Depression manifests in constant fatigue. I may have other health issues contributing to my fatigue. My shingles is flaring up again. I'm sleep deprived. My ankle still hurts. I miss my routine. I miss my cat. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my friends and the things we do together. I miss my city. I love my family but I need alone time.

I came back to my room and got online, started to read some articles, and chill. Frankie and my mom walked in about 10 minutes later. "Mom, I came back here to have some alone time."

"You've had it!"

"Mom, really. This is my room and I'd like to be alone in it. There's nowhere else I can go to be alone here."

She gave me this look like I was breaking her heart. Like I was committing some huge betrayal by suggesting I'd prefer to be alone when I only have a few hours left to be with my family.

"I'm serious, Mom. Please."

She took Frankie and went to her own room, finally. I have every intention of playing cards with them later when WT gets back from his little excursion. I just want this time to myself. (I'm sharing my room with Lucy, who is super respectful of my need for down time -- she seems to have similar needs -- so I haven't had true alone time all week.)

I'm so ready to be home. My flight isn't until 5pm tomorrow, so I have what I call a lame duck day. It's one of those days where you're going to travel/have to check out/are all packed so you can't really do anything, but it's still a full day so you've got to entertain yourself somehow. I don't get into PDX until almost 1am. So I'll get home to Beaverton around 2. I can't wait...then hopefully after a good sleep and a shower, I can go pick up Cleopatrick and he will still love me.

I've got a million things I really need to be working on today, but for the most part, that's just not going to happen. Maybe I'll be productive tomorrow.

Last night was Ross's birthday party. He always throws a huge shindig at his place, with live music, stand-up comedy, dancing, food, and lots of booze. I always meet awesome people there and have a great time -- I've known him a year and change, and he does the parties for his birthdays and also a winter version, so it was my third one. Last night, Toby and I decided after lots of fun times that it was probably time to go, and we gathered our things, thinking it must be about 1am. It was 3:30. Holy shit. So today's plans were already in jeopardy at that point. Then when we got in our Uber, I started feeling not so great. About halfway home, I asked the driver to pull over, so that I could gather myself in the fresh air and not puke in his car. Luckily, I didn't puke at all, but as soon as I was out of the car gathering myself, Toby came to my side, and the driver pulled away. Toby had told him to go on, but really I didn't think I needed that much time. Oops. So we ended up waiting in the cold for about 15 minutes while we waited for the next available driver. The rest of the ride home was no piece of cake, but we made it, and once I got to bed, I felt a lot better. Toby actually ended up barfing a bit before bed, but he said he felt much better for it and not to worry. Okay then.

Having been working hard all week to get up earlier and be active in the mornings, my body was well into that pattern, and was not interested in letting me get the sleep I so very much needed to fight off the massive hangover I had dealt myself. So I was awake and feeling fucking terrible at 7am. I drank a lot of water and shuffled around the bedroom rather aimlessly for a while, and after maybe an hour of just feeling like total ass, I remembered that aspirin is a thing! So I took some, and as soon as it started to take effect, I was able to drift off to a much more comfortable sleep. Toby and I both had different places to be at 3, so at 1:30, I decided it was time to work on getting up. Toby was out COLD. I had been awake for a bit and rubbing his back and while reading, and usually this sort of thing elicits a few satisfied mumbles from him, but he was almost entirely unresponsive. I finally had to just wake him up so we'd get to where we were going on time, but when he got up, he was sick again. Poor guy. We did finally get out the door, and he assured me he was doing better, but the car ride sorta got to him, too, so we pulled over for a bit for him to collect himself. I dropped him off soon after, and he says he's doing much better now. I'm glad. I haven't been feeling hungover since taking the aspirin, but I've been void of energy all day. I was only out for a couple of hours, and when I made it back home, the plan was to go for a run, but the reality was to go to sleep. Cleopatrick and I got some good cuddle time, and I really enjoyed those additional hours of rest. I came downstairs to have a sandwich for dinner, and have been toying with the idea of some sort of exercise still, but...no. Today is a write-off. So I've been doing some puzzles and online games and just listening to music and drinking water, letting myself recover. I have an open house tomorrow, and plans every day next week, so I'll be back in the swing of things shortly. A nothing day is fine.

I did talk to some family on Facebook, though. My cousin Laura and her husband are splitting up. I don't know any of the details and I'm not sure if I ever will, but I messaged both of them to let them know I'm thinking of them and love them. Of all the marriages in my family, I really had considered theirs one of the very strongest. I'm not around them much, but I've always been close with Laura, and just everything about their relationship that I'd witnessed was the kind of stuff that makes even happy people really jealous. So it's a real shock that they're splitting. Above all, I feel terrible for them, because I know the heartbreak first hand and I care about them both very much and it's so sad. But in the abstract, their split makes me feel kind of comforted? Like, relationship perfection isn't what it seems, and I can retroactively kind of ease the pull of the jealousy I used to feel. It's hard to explain. It's not schadenfraude, because again I am SAD for them. I guess it's just kind of enlightening? And now I'm no longer the only one in my entire goddamn family who's been divorced. The closest divorce in my family is my aunt on the other side, who has been separated, but not divorced, from her husband for twentysome years. No one else in my extended family on either side, going out as far as I actually know my relatives, has been divorced. Being a divorcee in this family has felt a lot like I imagine it would have felt like in the 50's. People just DON'T do it, and they don't know how to relate to those very few of us who have. So...in a way I feel like their split brings me closer to my family, or my family closer to me. These reflections make me feel like I'm kind of horrible, finding a selfish benefit in their sad circumstances. I mean...ugh. I'm not happy. But yeah, the situation has led me to find a silver lining that is only my own. Anyway.

And then, Toby. I am so happy with him. And I think we do have this crazy strong relationship. Others probably would be jealous of it except for the fact that we are non-monogamous, and most folks I know can't really wrap their heads around that. Like they assume we're happy about our relationship except for the poly part. And...no? There are times he's with his other partner when I wish he was here, but there are also times when he's at work and I wish he was here instead. And all of those times, if I say to him that I need him to put me first and be here, he will. So it's not something that bothers me. I like dating others, too, but I do find that I'm not really as interested in pursuing whole romantic relationships with others. I have formed a lot of new relationships over the last year, and most of them are just friends. Even some of the romantic-ish relationships I've had are really only a notch beyond completely platonic. Toby is the only serious partner I have right now, and I'm happy in this situation. But I don't want monogamy. I still like going on dates, I still like that it's okay to explore any feelings that develop, I still like first kisses, etc. Those things just aren't at all attached to the notion that the person I'm seeing could be "the one" or fill some major role in my life that's currently vacant. It's so liberating to date like that. The pressure is entirely off, and everything feels really authentic. And so far, that part of me just wants to cuddle a little and play board games and sometimes kiss :)

My oldest first cousin had double bypass surgery this week. It went well and he's recovering nicely. I'm the youngest on that side of the family, so even though we're the same generation, we're pretty spread out -- I think he's 24 years older than me. Still, though. When did we stop being a bunch of kids who played in the river together?

Over Thanksgiving, my mom's side of the family was almost entirely in attendance, and there are lots of toddlers in the next generation now. So there was lots of discussion about all the things the toddlers are learning to do and that sort of thing. My brother's kids are older, but he had a contribution to the discussion, too...

"Frankie has recently started doing something that most kids don't do until they're much older, so we think she's pretty ahead of the curve. She's been denying her farts."

My mom is horribly embarrassed whenever I use the f-word ("fart") on social media, because she thinks it reflects on the way she raised me. Well, duh. We are the fartingest family there is. But maybe Frankie will turn out to be the lady that my mother always wished I would become, since somehow she's picked up a sense of shame to accompany her farts. She didn't learn that from any Massie.

I realize that I'm a super-lefty liberal, and a lot of my ideas are unpopular and unappealing to folks more on the right of the political spectrum. But I feel like my beliefs and values are all backed by pretty hard facts, and any intellectual would at the very least respect these things, if not agree with them.

So I have to wonder if the things I say ever make republicans forehead-slap as hard as the things I hear some of my relatives say. Overheard today:

"He may not think of himself as a Muslim, but he sure acts like one." (Okay, sure, in that 99% of Muslims live their daily lives pretty much just like you do, except with darker skin. In that regard, Obama is like a Muslim.)

"Pretty soon people will be able to marry their cats!" (After two failed "traditional" marriages, I can see how a cat would be a good life partner.)

And one of my most outspoken, kookiest-idea-having relatives isn't even here yet.

After hearing those two gems, I removed myself to a room where I could no longer overhear the conversation between my dad and uncle. I found my mom and my aunt in another room, and told them what I'd overheard, while rolling my eyes. My mom shrugged it off because we're all used to it so what is there to say? But I told her "Please tell me you're not voting for Donald Trump. Just promise me that much."

"No I'm not voting for him!" (Phew!) "The one I agree with the most is Ben Carson." (How is this my family?)

At least my aunt feels the Bern.

Yesterday was basically awful.

McKenzie was coming to get some things, so I needed to prepare those things for him and then make myself scarce. In trying to gather these things, I realized that three musical instruments (including two from late relatives, very sentimental) are missing. I hadn't seen them in a long time but just chalked that up to the piles of still-unpacked boxes in the third bedroom. I figured they were back there, just inaccessible. But then I remembered the roommate I had a few years ago who stole a bunch of cash from me. I contacted his ex-wife and she said he'd been known to steal things and pawn them, and she was so sorry. I believe her that she had no idea he was stealing from me. So I'm pretty sure those instruments are now long gone, and I feel terrible about that. The ex wants me to press charges. I don't have any proof and it's been years...and even if I do, I'm not getting those items back...sigh. I doubt I will do anything there.

Then I met Dan for therapy and began our session by ending our relationship. It's just not working for either of us, hasn't been for a long time, and...yeah. It's really hard. I care about him a lot and I know he's hurting bigtime. I am, too. But we were hurting in the relationship, too. I had hoped we could talk and be there for each other, but he wanted nothing to do with me. He recoiled when I tried to reach out to him, and he immediately unfriended me on Facebook and removed me from his calendar. Breaking up sucks. I just hope that his friends are a good support network right now. Mine are -- thank you for that.

Since the day was already totally shitty, why not pile on? My mom called to tell me that my aunt has uterine cancer and my uncle has prostate cancer. My aunt hadn't wanted anyone to know, and she's already had surgery and said she feels good. They don't know the full extent of it yet, but it sounds like they probably caught it early. She had breast cancer a bunch of years ago (20?) for which she had a fast surgery and recovery and it hasn't come back. Here's hoping that's the way of cancer in our family. But she's 74 now, not 54. My uncle just turned 80 and this is not his first bout with prostate cancer. They don't know yet what his prognosis looks like.

So...anyone have some spare hugs?

Today's activities included a trip to the community pool/water park place, more Bodo's, picking up Emily's quilt (it's so awesome!), a two-hour nap with Lucy and Bess also napping in my bed with me, one more hour of trying to get a little more sleep while Frankie came up to me every two minutes and asked me if I was ready to wake up yet, playing cards with the whole family, and a firefly hunt. The firefly hunt was pretty hilarious. Five adults and two kids wandering around the front yard on the prowl, failing rather ungracefully as we chased these creatures. My brothers and I each caught one, and Frankie held onto them in a jar for a little while before she decided to free them. Now everyone has gone to bed, and tomorrow morning, I'll leave in the car with WT's family and they'll drive me to Dulles on their way back to Brooklyn. I'll get to the airport well before noon, but my flight back is at 6:15. Since I'm not checking a bag, I should be able to get on an earlier flight if there's space. If not, I guess I'll spend some time in the airport.

It's been a great visit. I love my family.

I really do love Charlottesville.

I woke up this morning to the sound of children stomping around in the room below me, so I got up and came down the stairs. As I was walking down, I heard my brother announce to the girls "It sounds like Aunt Meg is up!" They both said "YAY!" which filled my heart with joy, and then as I round the corner to the room where everyone is hanging out, Bess is running to my brother's computer to look for me. D'oh.

There are two explanations for this. One is that I frequently Skype them, so that's how she's used to seeing me. The other is that in their house, being glued to your electronics is known as "Megging out," so she expected to find me where the computer was. Heh. But when she saw the actual me, she ran up and gave me a great big hug, and omg I love that kid.

I spent a little while playing with them this morning, then I went to Bodo's to meet Gail for brunch. She caught me up on all the bridge gossip, we planned her next visit to Portland, and I filled her in on most of my drama. I got back to the house around noon to find it empty again. I think my brother took his kids to the pool, and I'm guessing Adrian joined them there, or is still hanging out with his friend Trevor. I'm trying to talk my brothers into joining me for Body Pump later today, but so far I'm not having much luck. I really think they'd like it, and it would be super fun to do the class with them.

I have no idea when Mom, Dad, and Lucy will arrive, but I hope it's soon. I'm annoyed that I'm here but no one is here hanging out with me! I wanna play with my family!

I'm at PDX, and will pull into Charlottesville sometime this evening after a full day of travel...PDX-DEN; DEN-IAD; driving from Dulles to Charlottesville with my cousin after I land. Probably arriving about 9 or 10pm. Time zones eat three hours in there, so it's not *that* long a day, but it feels long because I'm so excited about getting there. My parents have Lucy at their place in Williamsburg until tomorrow, so no one else will actually be there when I arrive, but William and family will arrive sometime in the early morning, and I'm picking up Adrian after breakfast tomorrow, and my parents' whole family tree branch will be in the same place by the afternoon. I'm so excited! I love my family :)

And on that note, I may have been a wee bit overprotective of my mother this morning, when one of her bridge club members hounded me to hound her to keep the club open on the 4th of July. That's entirely my mom's choice and she hasn't discussed it with me at all, but if she did ask my opinion, I'd enthusiastically endorse the idea to CLOSE THE FUCKING CLUB FOR ONE FUCKING DAY. I know these people all love their bridge routines, and for close to 100 members of her club, that means showing up and playing bridge for four hours every Friday. But, here's the thing. There is no such thing as a perfectly smooth club game. Even if the director handles it all perfectly, there's always someone (lots of someones, usually), who thinks there's an error in the score, or has some trivial complaint or stupid question (yes, Virginia, there IS such a thing as a stupid question), or thinks they should have gotten .02 more masterpoints than they were awarded, and all of these people call my mom.

My mom LOVES her job and she's fucking amazing at it. The ACBL just recognized her as one of the top new member recruiters in the whole league. She's a great teacher and organizer and her members love her. But they don't respect her and she doesn't ever tell them to STFU. She fields phone calls from members around the clock, every single day. She deserves a fucking break, even if she's not asking for it, and the fact that one of her members would have the nerve to push on me to push on her to NOT take a break on a huge fucking holiday really irks me.

I wish these people had even an iota of a clue how hard my mother works for them.