Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I'm just so sad.

I'm all but guaranteed to lose my healthcare, which will be a hurdle unto itself, but so many people have it so much worse. It's not just that rights will be stripped away; it's that the people who are against civil liberties now feel emboldened to aggressively threaten them, regardless of the law. Several of my friends have already reported abuse against them -- sexual assault, verbal assaults, death threats -- just because they are who they are. Women, trans, gay, POC...

And I think about my nieces. The women of the future. This week, a woman with a top tier resume lost a job to a bully without a tiny a fraction of her qualifications. What does that say about the value of hard work? Penis trumps all.

I've been deeply depressed since Tuesday. I broke out in full body hives yesterday as I read reports of more violence and hate crimes. I can't wait two or four years to turn things around. We must act swiftly to stand up against the bullying, the hate, and the incivility. How, though? The task ahead feels overwhelming. But here we are. Here we go.

Two different people canceled plans on me for back to back days -- tonight and tomorrow -- and I couldn't be more relieved. I slept until 3pm today (after a 2-hour foray into the real world at 8am to take Toby to work and then go to a clinic appointment for my drug trial). I did go to the gym tonight, and while I was there, my Wednesday lunch date sent a message canceling. So maybe I'll sleep 'til 3 again tomorrow!

Actually I get that this is not a good thing to do regularly, and I felt pretty shitty about doing it today, even, BUT I obviously needed that recharge, and hopefully one full day of doing almost nothing will be enough. I'm subbing for another trivia night tomorrow, then have my regular gig on Thursday, and Pride activities planned for this weekend, so I won't be a total hermit much longer anyway.

Yesterday I talked to my therapist about momentum. I've been feeling great and doing really well in most things lately, but I fear what comes after I reach some goals. One goal that's really kept me pushing hard is the Couch to 10K program I've been doing. I'm finishing up the 11th week of that now, and I'm regularly running 5+ miles 3x per week now. It's good for me to push this hard and build back to 10K form, but my body is letting me know that this has to be a hard boundary for now. The 15-mile weeks are really hurting my feet and back, and until I get more recovered there, I can't add more mileage. I'm going to need to back down from this mileage, too. And anyway just keeping going at goal isn't as exciting. I don't see myself making progress. I need another thing that I can gradually build on and watch my fitness improve. That will not be adding miles to my runs. So...what to do? I'm thinking maybe speed workouts? Maybe even hire a running coach for a little added accountability? My gym membership is about to become free (Toby's office is picking it up for both of us, yay progressive benefits for domestic partners!), so putting that money toward a coach could be a nice thing to do for myself...but I'm open to suggestions. The 100 pushup program was good and I should definitely give that another go...but that's not enough of a workout to be my main thing on the days that I do it. Any good cardio suggestions? Maaaaybe swimming, but swimming at my gym is such a pain because of all the extra gear you have to manage, and taking a wet swimsuit home in a gym bag...meh. But it is an option I'm willing to consider. More likely in conjunction with other types of cardio rather than something I'd have to do 3x a week or something. We'll see.

I have a lot of feelings about Orlando, too. Actually I think that's where my fatigue comes from right now. Just all the things I'm seeing people say in defense of guns, in opposition of Muslims, pro-hate, anti-gay, etc. It's just exhausting. The gun debate is exhausting. A room full of kindergartners wasn't enough to move the ammosexuals -- what will be? I fear that every fucking person in the US will have to die by gun violence before there's a change. I know some of my friends here have guns and value their right to them. (I'm 100% anti-gun personally, but that's not something I'm fighting for politically. I'm mostly okay with responsible people owning guns. I'm not coming to take anyone's guns and I'm not advocating that the government do that, either.) But there's so much space between being able to own a gun, and being able to get a semi-automatic weapon without a background check in a matter of minutes. I don't get why the other side of this issue is so unwilling to budge. Why people who insist that their own gun ownership is responsible and legal want it to be so easy for people who are not responsible to get guns. I don't get why this is political at all. But the debate rages, with neither side giving an inch. And it's fucking exhausting. When will reason get through? I'm tagging this post under politics, because that's the existing tag that best fits, but goddammit, why is this even a political issue?! Massacre is bad -- we agree on that, right? Ugh. The latest massacre makes me sad. What makes me saddest is that it's not yielding any change. 

My dad's not very talkative, ever. So you'd think when he did have something to say, it might be extra meaningful or poignant. Well...

"I was trying to push a button on my iPad, and it wasn't working, so I called the guy and I told him it wasn't working and I asked if I was pushing the right button and he said yes, that's the right button. He told me to try pushing it again and I did and it worked that time."

Not quite the same kind of epic as the tale of returning the pair of pants without the receipt, or the one about putting the wrong stickers on the license plates, but it's up there.

He also said that he agrees with some of Bernie's ideas. He's not voting for him...but the fact that he could even admit to agreeing with him was mindboggling. (This comment on the same day as a few other unsolicited opinions about "the blacks" and "the gays," who just stir up controversy as hobby, you know.) My dad frustrates the hell out of me...but I love him, and I'm glad he's my pop.

And today he turns 75. They grow up so fast...

Happy birthday, Daddy :)

I had an abortion.

I am not a murderer. I don't believe the fetus I aborted was a human. Sure, it was life, but so is an amoeba. I'm not in favor of mass amoeba killing just for sport, but if you have a reason to kill an amoeba, like you're walking and you just didn't see it there, well, that's okay.

If you believe my abortion was murder, that is your right. We have different beliefs on what it means to take a life.

But I'm a pacifist. I'm anti-gun. I'm anti-war. I'm anti-violence. Anti-death penalty. And I'm a vegetarian. I don't kill individuals -- human or not -- that can feel pain, and I don't support anyone else doing that, either.

A stranger called me a murderer today. A stranger who is pro-gun, pro-war, pro-death penalty, and pro-killing-animals-to-eat-them, thinks that the fetus I aborted was a life and I deserve to rot in hell for ending it. But she's in favor of activities and policies that kill people who walk this earth. And animals. I understand if you don't think animals = people. I think a lot of the animals we eat are a lot smarter than most infant humans, and certainly moreso than fetal humans. But anyway, I think we can all agree that a human being who walks the earth is definitely alive. A person. But you call it un-American to not support our violent efforts against others, and will talk yourself blue in the face over the idea that terminating an unintended pregnancy is murder? That's where you are WRONG.

If a vegetarian pacifist anti-death penalty pro-lifer wants to call me a murderer, that's fine. Their beliefs line up. I still disagree, but they have integrity anyway. But unless you are all those things, calling me a murderer is disingenuous at best. And kind of rude, don't you think?. 

I realize that I'm a super-lefty liberal, and a lot of my ideas are unpopular and unappealing to folks more on the right of the political spectrum. But I feel like my beliefs and values are all backed by pretty hard facts, and any intellectual would at the very least respect these things, if not agree with them.

So I have to wonder if the things I say ever make republicans forehead-slap as hard as the things I hear some of my relatives say. Overheard today:

"He may not think of himself as a Muslim, but he sure acts like one." (Okay, sure, in that 99% of Muslims live their daily lives pretty much just like you do, except with darker skin. In that regard, Obama is like a Muslim.)

"Pretty soon people will be able to marry their cats!" (After two failed "traditional" marriages, I can see how a cat would be a good life partner.)

And one of my most outspoken, kookiest-idea-having relatives isn't even here yet.

After hearing those two gems, I removed myself to a room where I could no longer overhear the conversation between my dad and uncle. I found my mom and my aunt in another room, and told them what I'd overheard, while rolling my eyes. My mom shrugged it off because we're all used to it so what is there to say? But I told her "Please tell me you're not voting for Donald Trump. Just promise me that much."

"No I'm not voting for him!" (Phew!) "The one I agree with the most is Ben Carson." (How is this my family?)

At least my aunt feels the Bern.

I posted this status on my own Facebook yesterday, and it led to a more or less reasonable discussion. Then a friend shared it on his own wall, and this happened:
(LJ says the post is too large, so I had to paste it into notepad and just copy the words...head on over to FB if you'd prefer a cleaner version)

( SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET )

So many comments I'm holding back. It's not worth engaging folks like this. But I so want to reply to her and comment on her half a brain -- and not an ounce more, clearly.

I should have taken a selfie yesterday. I looked so much like my mom...and I liked it. I was wearing a dress that she bought for me, so it was naturally her style, and then I had my hair up exactly the way that she used to wear hers when it was long. When I caught a reflection of myself in the window, I was sitting and looking almost exactly the way she looks in a picture from 1969. It's in William's baby album, so that's how I know the year. There are a lot of ways I'm not ever going to be like my mom, but I really saw her in my reflection at that moment, and it was a warm feeling.

Those photo albums at my parents' house are some of my favorite family artifacts. After all, in those days you took 24 pictures, paid ten bucks to get them developed, and saw the results a week later. The ritual of taking, developing, saving, and revisiting those photos is something that is all but gone from our culture now. I wonder if my nieces will go through albums on Facebook the way I go through those tomes at my folks' place. I'm guessing no. But they will have basically every moment of their lives recorded electronically. And that will be their normal. The thought that the government is monitoring them will be just an absolute "duh."

Part of me understands the outrage over it, but the other part of me is just like so? I'm pretty vain, but even I don't consider myself interesting enough for some spy to monitor all the time. And if they are? Neat. I've always enjoyed being the center of attention. I hope they like fart humor. Basically technology is at a point now where the amazing is the expected, and the capabilities of those most knowledgeable and powerful are well beyond my own imagination. So I can be all indignant about my privacy rights and spend my time pissed off and frustrated about it, or I can live my life. Post on LiveJournal and Facebook and participate in the virtual universe in ways that are truly fulfilling and entertaining...and if there's some CIA dude out there wanking to the stories I tell, well, then, that affects me how? I just don't care. I do believe individuals can effect great change and that we should all stand up for the things we believe in (ie, the paradigm shift we are creating right now in America with regard to gay rights). I just don't give enough of a shit about the whole privacy stuff. Maybe because I've been active on the internet since I was in elementary school, I'm just conditioned this way. But I just think there are more important (and more winnable) battles to fight.

I am incredibly sleepy.

The past four days, I spent probably more than 50% of my time asleep.  It was beautiful.  Long mid-day naps did nothing to impair my nighttime slumber.  And even with all that snoozing, it was incredibly difficult for me to get out of bed and come to work today.  I just want to hibernate. 

I don't feel too sick anymore.  I have a lingering cough and a slightly runny nose, but nothing that really bugs me.  I hope the sleepiness is just another symptom and not something that's going to be a bigger problem.  I won't have a lot of opportunity to catch extra Z's for at least the next week.  Tonight I'm going to the Blazer game with my father-in-law, then there's a local bridge tournament this weekend.  I'm also back on plan with my running, which means a 3 mile run today at lunch, 4 miles tomorrow, 3 on Friday, and 6 on Sunday.  Erg.  Typing that out just made me even more tired.  4 miles on a lunch break is going to be a bitch.  But that's tomorrow's monster. 

NPR quoted Wayne LaPierre (the NRA dude) this morning attacking Obama for saying we shouldn't be absolutists in his inaugural speech.  The quote was something along the lines of "language IS absolute, words DO have absolute meanings, and that's the basis for all government and civilization."  Pretty bold claim from an organization that ignores the first line of the amendment they claim justifies their existence.  Fine, Mr. LaPierre, let's be absolutists about the meaning of "well-regulated militia."  It's so frustrating to me that the level of public discourse is such that a person can more or less get away with claims like this in a national debate.  I just don't have much faith in other humans.