Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

Lately I've been having a lot of fantasies about myself in a wedding gown with nice makeup and a beautiful hairdo, getting photos on some windy hilltop somewhere...

Which seems like a Big Thing to think about. But it's not, I don't think? Obviously Toby would be the groom in this scenario, but the fantasy is just about me. Getting one of those bridal portraits made that people will look back on decades from now and say "wasn't Margaret beautiful?" because decades from now that's what people will know me as, maybe? Or they'll be distant relatives who never knew I went by Meg. Anyway the point is the fantasy is really just about me. I think it comes from being happy with my appearance, and wanting to celebrate that. I think maybe that has a lot to do with why I never did want a traditional wedding gown before. I was never happy about how I looked and the photo-op was more frightening than fun to me. McKenzie and I eloped, but I did have a big wedding with Jeremy. I liked my dress, but it was far from traditional, and it didn't *look* like a wedding dress. And it turns out there's a part of me that wants that memory of myself. Some women have a biological clock that kicks in at my age, where they think about kids. I guess mine is working backwards or very slowly and I'm just now starting to fantasize about the things most girls think about as very young women.

I do like the idea of marrying Toby one day, but I'm in no hurry, and it's not something we've talked about AT ALL. He's also divorced (well, not quite -- separated for several years, finalizing the divorce this summer once she finishes school, because reasons), and I think both of us are more than a little gunshy about marriage. But we're committed and happy and I don't see that changing. And if I DO marry him one day, do I even want a wedding? Meh. Probably not. But I want the dress!

I really honestly think these fantasies are mostly just about me wanting to feel beautiful. I feel like I've worked hard and am proud of my body. For some reason I feel like a white satin gown is the way I want to show it off? I feel weird even feeling this way. But it is what it is.

Then I got a fortune yesterday from this little game someone gave me -- "Don't waste your time waiting for something that's never going to happen." Ha.

Perhaps I overestimated how busy I would be today. Or perhaps I correctly estimated how busy I should be, and I am choosing to blog instead. I'll let you guess.

I'll just do a day-by-day rundown of my trip.
( with pictures! )

I meant to post this here two nights ago, but LJ wasn't letting me post during maintenance. Anyway, here's something I wrote for Emily.

In just about two weeks, I'm going to toast my best friend of 29 years and the man who has been by her side (and mine, via the transitive property of loved ones) for 10 years (!!) at their wedding. But unless the whole crowd wants to hear me ramble on for many hours, I'm going to have to pick just a few highlights from the last 29 years of laughs, tears, love, and sibling rivalry. Since I can't share all the stories in my toast, I'll share a few here leading up to the big day. And I promise I won't make any "it's about time!" jokes.



I have always thought of Emily as my little sister. These days, I don't even go through the spiel of "well, we're not REALLY sisters, but we grew up together and blah, blah, blah." I just refer to her as my little sister and let people who actually listen to me when I talk be confused about it when I also talk about being the baby of my family.



As the baby of the Massie clan, and the only daughter, I always wanted a little sister. I begged my mom and thought she was SO MEAN not to give me another sibling -- a younger one, one I could actually boss around! I really ached for a little sister, but the truth is, I've had one as long as I can remember. Emily and I grew up in the same neighborhood, and we spent every waking minute together as children, and lots of sleeping minutes, too. And I DID boss her around! A lot! The fact that she's grown up as independent and strong as she has, and the fact that she still chooses to associate with me after all that bossing around are a testament to her amazing character.



We went through a lot of the same phases that most close siblings do, especially the rivalries. In hindsight, I'm really glad I'm a year older and had that head start on Emily, because if it weren't for the 13 months of childhood development I had on her, I think my ego would have suffered mightily with the results of a more balanced contest.



In adulthood, I have chosen to refer to Emily exclusively as my sister, because after all we've shared, "best friend" just isn't strong enough to describe my attachment to her. And I even think sometimes that "sister" isn't the right word, either, because after all, you're almost biologically and environmentally forced to love your siblings. Or at least put up with them. Emily and I don't have to like each other or spend time around each other. While we still share some very important fundamental characteristics forged in our joint childhood, we have grown up to be very different people. We've lived far apart. We've taken on different interests. I HATE soccer! and I CAN'T sing! One would think these would get me blacklisted from Em's social circle. But in spite of these horrific flaws of mine -- and some others I haven't mentioned, I guess -- Emily still calls me "best friend" and "sister." We've chosen to stay close, even though we don't have a familial obligation to do so. And that choice, at least from my end, hasn't even been conscious. It's been easy. Probably because we're just soul mates. Sorry, Chris.



I'm going to stick with "sister," though, because if I start dropping "soul mate" in casual conversation, I think that would be even more confusing and awkward. And uncomfortable.



If "best friend" isn't a strong enough label for my relationship with her, imagine the trouble I have when I talk about Chris. "Boyfriend" has sure been an underbid for at least the last five or six years. And Emily would puke if I described him as her "soul mate," (but I wouldn't, because we've already established that's me). Ten years. I've been married twice in that time! The only steady relationship I've had that lasted ten years or more was -- is -- Emily. And if she's capable of maintaining a strong bond with someone as socially dysfunctional as I've been, then I think that bodes very well for the next several decades with Chris (whom I do not consider socially dysfunctional at all, for the record).



The thing about sibling rivalry is that sometimes it's difficult to stomach your sib's successes. I've always been proud of Emily's many accomplishments, but I admit that I didn't always want her to be the best at everything -- because if she was, then she was beating me. But she is the CLEAR winner in relationshipping. There's just no contest. So I gracefully concede victory at partnering to my amazing kid sister. I know that she and Chris are going to have an amazing life together. They already have, for their entire adult lives. And she may be better at wifing than I ever have been or will be, but at 1 to 2, she'll never catch up to me in number of husbands! So there.



And now I get to begin a new movement in the semantics dance, as I try to decide what I'll call Chris. Brother-in-law doesn't feel quite right (the "law" part makes it feel to official to fudge), and "sister's husband" is kind of clunky. I'll probably end up calling him the same thing I call my father-in-law: Chris.

It's been a short and sweet trip to Raleigh.  We arrived on Friday afternoon, in time to meet up with some cousins, aunts, and uncles for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant.  William and the girls kept getting delayed, but they finally made it here when we were at dinner, so I got to get some hugs before retiring to bed.  Whenever the bride was around, everyone else was invisible and Frankie only wanted to talk to her, but the rest of the time, Frankie wanted me to hold her constantly, and repeatedly told me she loved me.  She is the SWEETEST.  

The wedding was super fun.  They had it at a cafe in downtown Raleigh, with their "altar" set up in front of the big window at the front that looks onto the street.  A few interesting passersby spiced things up.  First was a scruffy-looking guy with an "I <3 JESUS" cap on who stopped to spectate for a bit.  Then there was a family coming to get in their car, which was parked right in front of the window.  The dad was carrying a 5'-tall stuffed giraffe, and he struggled for several minutes to get it into the car as my cousin and his wife said their vows.  All of us were laughing pretty hard at that.  There was food, drink, dancing, the best cake I've ever had in my life, and the reception wound down with a bluegrass jam session with the groom's band, the Swift Kickers.  They were fantastic, and a good time was had by all :)

We had one last big family meal last night, and I spent most of the time catching up with Lauren, Erika, and Matt.  Erika and Matt live in Vermont and are in a touring band, so I don't see much of them -- it had been two or three years, I believe -- but they're about to take a year off from touring, as Erika is pregnant with their first child.  I asked her if they were going to find out the gender or be surprised, and she gave the best answer I've ever heard:  "We're going to be surprised.  Well, probably not too surprised."  McKenzie always makes fun of people who ask "what are they having?" by responding "probably a baby."  It is a silly question, after all.

McKenzie had an early flight and I have a late one, so I've been killing time at the Raleigh airport for a few hours, but it's almost time for me to jet off.  I'm going home by way of Atlanta, and then will beat Z home by about 90 minutes, since he is having a long layover in Memphis to chat with his boss.  We'll go home, then we'll come right back to PDX for me to send him off to Monterey tomorrow.  I have Blazers tickets for tomorrow night, a session with Ertan on Tuesday, and then back to work and my regular schedule on Wednesday.  I have two more sectionals this month, but those are just weekend trips (and one is at home), so I'll actually be working my normal schedule without travel interruptions until I take time off for St. Louis in March.  It'll be nice to get into a groove...hopefully I an take advantage of the normalcy to train harder and get ready for my half in April, which is no longer very far in the future.

Well, it's been an adventure, but it looks like I will make it out of here after all :)

Jess and Noah's wedding was WONDERFUL.  I cried basically start to finish.  I LOVED it.  So even though getting here sucked and getting out was a major challenge, I would do it all again, because it was so worth it.  It was my first Jewish wedding, so that was a new experience for me.  It wasn't a huge departure from what I'm used to, though.  My favorite part was Jess' dad's song "Little Baby Mine," which he wrote for her 3 months before he died in 1986.  87?  A long time ago :(  They had a recording of him singing it, and it was so perfect for the occasion, and such a beautiful, beautiful love song for a daughter.  I'm welling up just recalling it.  I also love how when the rabbi announced at the end of the ceremony that it was a legal marriage, everyone whooped and hollered.  Yay Massachusetts!  Yay love!

The reception had the best wedding food I've ever eaten -- vegetarian Indian food and nutella/vanilla cupcakes.  YES PLEASE.  And there was dancing :)  Jess has a swarm of little girls to whom she is an auntie, and they were the life of the party.  When I got to the dance floor, they welcomed me into their dancing circles, and let me pick them up and swing them around and rock out.  Phoebe (who was in utero when Jess and I first became friends and is now a GORGEOUS young lady) paused in the middle of one of our dances, gave me a funny look, and said "You're tall."  It's true!  I am!  :)  When we were all saying goodbye at the end, Shohannah (sp?) gave me a big hug and said "Bye, Meg!"  I was so touched, because I never told her my name, and hadn't been introduced to her mom.  Somewhere in there, she figured it out, though, and she knew me, and MELT.  It's true, y'all.  I kinda love kids these days.  Still don't want my own.  I feel like every time I make that proclamation, I have to include the disclaimer.  But yeah, kids that aren't mine are kind of awesome.

After the ceremony, the phone calls from airlines began.  Almost all those of us who were flying had our flights canceled.  I was annoyed, because the storm wasn't predicted to get to New England until the evening, and my flight was 5am, headed west.  The plane was originating in Hartford, and it wasn't going toward the storm at all, so there's no good reason to have canceled it.  And they didn't cancel the 5pm flight, which seemed backwards.  But I rescheduled for that afternoon flight, only to have it canceled as well.  I spent a good chunk of yesterday researching a way out of town.  Hartford had nothing coming or going until Thursday at the earliest, and the very nice guy at United Airlines was super helpful and got me on a flight out of Manchester, NH, 2.5 hours away, for this afternoon.  The problem then was finding a way to get up there.  I tried Amtrak -- no routes go that way.  Greyhound -- all service suspended.  Shuttles -- don't go that far.  Soliciting rides from locals -- no dice.  Rental cars -- none available.  So I gave up and called UA back and was like, "well, I can't get to MHT, so I guess I need a BDL flight after all."  But there was NOTHING, so I was like, ugh, I guess I'll keep trying.  The lady was apologetic and asked if she could help with anything else.  "It's a long shot, but can you hook me up with a rental car?"  And she did!  And it was cheaper than everything else!  I got up at ass o'clock this morning, picked up a godawful car that I hope I never have to drive again (Dodge Avenger...meh), and drove my ass to NH.  I've been at the airport since 10am for my 5pm flight, but I'm a few minutes away from boarding now, and it looks like I'll actually make it home tonight.  Rah!

Now here's the bullshit.  The storm never came here.  I understand it was pretty devastating where it DID hit, but it pretty much followed projections, and it was never projected to touch western Mass and most of NE.  And it fucking didn't.  It rained a little, and was a little windy for a little while, but nothing that happened would have been outside the realm of ordinary had there not been a nearby superstorm.  And it's been sunny and clear most of today, yet only 5 out of 50 flights from this airport are not canceled.  I'd really like to see the number crunching process that led the airlines to believe canceling so many flights was the way to go.  Obviously it's better to be safe than sorry, and I can understand a few precautionary cancellations within the potential danger zone, but my 5am flight out of Hartford should have never been in question.  Of course nothing can get to New York right now and I'd bet the DC hub is also kind of a mess, and some inbound planes probably got stuck in those places, so those flights have to be nixed even if they're not in the path of the storm, but I still maintain that the overall reaction was a giant overreaction.  That is not to say that I don't believe the storm was severe and catastrophic in some places.  Also, while I'm bitching about it all, it's really not that big a deal.  I had a great time, NoHo was not a bad place to be stuck, and I didn't miss anything important.  It cost me a little extra with the rental car and a few more meals out while I was here, but I am in no way sorry I made this trip, and it was a good one, even with all the bullshit.  

It was fun being back in Northampton.  Last time I was there was the summer of 2002, when I was dating Nate and spent most of the summer in his attic apartment.  Only a few parts of the city were familiar to me, because I spent so much of that time just holed up in his place, or on the hiking trails behind his house, so it wasn't really like coming back to my old stomping grounds at all, but it wasn't completely foreign to me, either.  Western Mass is definitely another one of those areas that would've been great for me to live, had I not found Portland first.  Oh, Portland.  I'm excited to get home.

I had a bunch of dreams in a row the other night that it was Emily's wedding day and I still didn't have my dress picked out or my speech written.  I'm the only attendant on her side, so I get to pick my own dress, which is a sweet deal.  I woke up from the dreams both relieved that the wedding is still 9 months away and also really anxious for it to get here!  I love weddings and this is my kid sister's!  So I started shopping around for dresses, but basically the only place I've shopped so far is david's bridal online, because stores that don't sell wedding attire aren't going to have a selection of summery dresses right now.  The wedding is June 1, and it'll be outdoors in Virginia.  I've picked out a few styles that I like, but it sounds like we're going to go dress shopping together over Thanksgiving (mostly for her but partially for me too), and I'm so excited!  I've never done this girly stuff.  Not even for my own wedding.

Since I was also sweating the speech in my dream, I decided to do some brainstorming while we were slow at work.  Brainstorming actually yielded a finished product -- it may change a lot between now and June, but I'm pretty pleased with what I've got already.  Having it ready just makes me that much more anxious for the day to come :)   

I'll get to quench some of my wedding thirst a month from tomorrow at Jess and Noah's wedding!  I'm flying to Massachusetts for like 48 hours, sure to be a whirlwind of AWESOME.  I'm going to wear my fancy Africa dress and I know I'm just going to have a blast.  Yay for love and yay for the people I love being happy.  

Over Thanksgiving vacation, I'll be throwing Em's bridal shower, and that's going to be awesome, too.  I'm really excited about the idea I came up with -- I can't remember if I wrote about it here or not but I'll save the details for a later (locked) post when I have some pictures to share.  I decided to keep the theme a surprise, even though Emily knows that it's going to be a crafty thing.  

Work tomorrow, Color Run on Saturday, hopefully closing on our house next week?  Maybe?  Hopefully.