May. 30th, 2017 11:16 pm
jianantonic: (Default)
I had a lovely day with Diego. He's a darling. I cried 40 minutes into our day, talking about relationships and parents and stuff. I warned him ahead of time that it would happen. It's all good.

I adore him. I had a very honest chat with him about exactly how much I feel that. I've enjoyed getting to know him and want to do more of that, and obviously have a crush on him, but do not want to cross any boundaries. Coming from non-monogamy and having a crush on an unavailable monogamous person, I told him I am being very cautious, but would take cues from him. At which point he pulled me into a long hug that felt amazing and I wish I was still in it.

I think I could satisfy this lust with more hugs like that. We'll see if that comes to fruition. I hope so!

But I still have this energy that wants to be spent on things like first kisses, and while I've channelled this crushlust into some amazing sex with Toby lately, and his kisses are divine, they are also familiar and not the right water for this fire. And honestly, I don't feel like putting in the energy to finding someone new to date and make out with. That's not what I want, really. I dunno what I want. Except for that which is unavailable. Hnnngh.

Jon* suggests a random hookup. I don't think that would do it, either, and furthermore no one that's crossed my path lately has struck me as someone with whom I'd like to randomly hook up, except for Diego. Dangit.

*Jon is a friend from high school. He was a power nerd back then. I didn't know him well at the time, but if you'd told high school Meg that she'd be talking sex with Jon in 20 years, that might have been the least believable thing she could've heard.
jianantonic: (Default)
I've been enjoying getting to know bartender guy over text. I kind of adore him. But he's monogamous and I'm not about to get in there and fuck that shit up. Still, it's fun to have a crush and get to know the guy. I am hoping the crush subsides, though, or it could be frustrating. Toby's up to speed on all of this. He's understanding and cool. It'd be hard for me to see him crushing on someone like I am, but I'm glad things are cool as they are.

I heard my Airbnb guest say the name of my listing on the phone just now, and I'm worried she's calling in a complaint or something. I've had a couple of complaints from recent guests that struck me as total bullshit. One was pissed I didn't have a TV (the listing says I don't!) and one complained that there wasn't a lamp in the room (there are two in the closet; she just didn't look, and called Airbnb instead of just fucking asking me). Look, I charge $40 a night. You don't get the fucking Ritz-Carlton. It's a small room in a small house in an out-of-the-way neighborhood. You can use the kitchen and the laundry and everything will be clean if not tidy. I just hate when I get bad reviews based on the expectation that their $40/night is buying them some premium service. That's not how this works and those bad reviews cost me bookings :( My reviews are mostly really good, but the bad ones sting. I can't help but take it a little personally. And every time I get a new review, I'm really nervous to read it. Sigh. I really look forward to moving so I can just rent this place out long-term and have passive income. But that'll probably be a while...

I was over at Josh & Mary's house this evening. I played with Gwen and got some love and snuggles from her, then played board games for a bit. I asked them if they were going to use Dreamwidth -- both are infrequent but still active LJers. Sounded like probably not, but that's okay. It's not what it used to be. I'm not sure if anyone at all is reading me here, but it's important to me to keep going, anyway, for my own sake. We talked about how we probably wouldn't know each other if not for LJ -- it's not a nonzero chance, because we DO have mutual friends who are friends with each other (them from college, me from bridge), but certainly wouldn't know each other on the level we do now. And how different my life would be! They are my closest friends, and the two people outside of my immediate family whom I know I could count on the most should I need emergency help of any kind. They're also 90% of my platonic social life. And their kid is my niece. My life would be unrecognizable without them. Thanks, LJ.


May. 24th, 2017 03:38 pm
jianantonic: (Default)
Bartender guy texted last night.

We had a mild flirt.

He announced he has a girlfriend and is monogamous, but that he wants to friendzone me if I'm open to it because he likes me from listening to me host trivia every week. (I'm paraphrasing.) (And actually I hate that term and am only using it flippantly.) (Sometimes I think I overuse parentheticals.)

We have plans to hang out next week. I'm really psyched, but also kinda bummed he's not *available.* I will not be making any move to try and change his mind, though. My lifestyle is different, but my moral code is still pretty strong. It's just a shame because this is the first crush I've had in like 2 years, and I guess it's going to have to flame out.
jianantonic: (Default)
I did a thing I've never done tonight.

I gave a guy at a bar my number. I host trivia at the same bar every Tuesday night, and the bartender is the kind of awkwardish-looking that I find absolutely irresistible. I've had a crush on him since starting there, despite very limited interaction. Every once in a while he walks by my table and takes a guess at a question. Tonight it was really slow, so I had a chance to chat with him between rounds for just a bit. He's funny. I like him more now.

So, on my way out, I slipped him my number. Like a desperate hussy! The best part is that the only paper I had on me was a bridge pickup slip. He'll probably be like WTF is this thing? But anyway the bar was slammed by the time I was leaving, so he won't have a chance to get in touch for a while, if he decides he's going to.

I texted my bridge partner, Joe, and told him what I'd done. He's been in the bar biz for like 15 years and he told me that I probably made the guy's night, but he won't call. He says bartenders know better than to pick up customers. I reminded him that I am not a customer. But it could still be weird. Anyway all I really want is to make out with him in the back room for a few minutes, then I'll feel better. But Joe seems to think that's unlikely to happen. FINE.

I guess I'll just have to settle for making out with my perfect boyfriend, who is perfect. So perfect he wouldn't even mind if I picked up a bartender every once in a while.

Poly Hate

Apr. 20th, 2017 12:23 am
jianantonic: (Default)
Lately, I've been feeling really *confronted* by anti-polyamory attitudes. I say confronted rather than annoyed because while it is annoying, I don't give it that kind of power. I scoff at and I pity those who can't wrap their heads around my lifestyle. I've never been a polyvangelist -- it is SO not for everyone, at least not given the societal conditioning we've all had. I'm not saying my way is the best way and everyone should do it. It's just best for me. But so many people are either offended by the way I live (because it affects you...how?) or unnecessarily concerned for my well-being. Even many of my good friends encourage me to force Toby to give up his other relationship and be monogamous. That people seem to think I'm wrong about what makes me happy is just...weird.

Except for our nation's leadership and the almost certain destruction of our planet, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Aside from Dan, who was not a good fit for me for other reasons, this is the only serious relationship I've ever been in -- EVER -- where I am not being abused, either physically, emotionally, or both. And yet many people would be more comfortable to see me living inauthentically, perhaps even in an abusive relationship, because at least it's heteronormative. I'm not saying my friends wish abuse on me. I'm just saying I wish people would really think about what they're saying when they suggest to me that my current choice in relationship structure is harmful to me. I'm happy! That's the point, right?

I think what it boils down to is the insecurity of others. People who are uncertain about their own choices only find validation when everyone around them makes the same choices. Getting married and having kids are two big ones. But the idea that people can be happily non-monogamous seems to really rattle people even more than the idea that a woman of childbearing age may not want to use her uterus that way, or that two people can be committed to each other without being married. I do want to marry Toby. Obviously, I'm the marrying type. I keep doing it. So many of my friends have suggested that Toby and I will "settle down" when we have rings on or something. I mean it's not like our non-monogamy is somehow wild. We're pretty settled down as it is. And he's pretty settled down with Candace, too. We have learned about ourselves, through various means of discovery, that we are not likely to ever focus 100% of our romantic love in one place. I never have been able to, so it's nice to have a partner who will not expect me to. Anyone who thinks Toby and I love each other less than monogamous couples because of our lifestyle obviously hasn't spent much time with us. (The only friends of mine who suggest I would be happier if Toby and I were exclusive are the ones who have not spent much or any time with him.)

The funny thing is, since breaking up with Dan, Toby has been my only partner, and I'm happy with that. I've gone on a few dates, and I've made some romantic-ish connections, but right now, I'm happy with Toby when he's here, and being alone or with platonic friends when he's not. But that doesn't mean I'd be happy closing off our relationship. For one thing, Toby loves Candace. I don't have any desire for him to end that. Second, my schedule and priorities will change over time. Maybe I will stumble into another relationship even without looking for it. I don't want to close that door for myself. There is no one way to be polyamorous. People who try to live by a definition end up really unhappy. You and your partner(s) are never going to want exactly the same things, but it's important to choose partners who accept what you need and want without pushing your boundaries with regard to their needs and wants.

I'll never understand why a lot of things appeal to people, but if they can enjoy those things with enthusiastic partners and be happy, who am I to tell them they're doing it wrong? Shrug. Relationship-wise, I have exactly what I want. I know a lot of people will never get it, but that's okay. They're not the ones I want to be with :)
jianantonic: (Seahorse)
Toby and I have our last screen printing class tomorrow night. There's going to be a little pot luck thing, so we decided to make hummus and bring veggies and chips. I'm going shopping today for the ingredients, so I texted Toby to ask him what to get. His reply was "[list of ingredients]. I got a [more money than I'll make for all of 2016] raise today :)" Nice little afterthought. Heh.

We have not combined finances, as I very much do not want to allow myself to live off of him, even though he'd be willing and I totally could. I really want to feel like I'm carrying my weight before we do too much life weaving, though we both agree that is the ultimate goal. So his giant raise doesn't directly mean much to me just now, but it's still pretty good news. I've encouraged him to stash away a good chunk of what he can toward buying more property. He owns a rental now, and we both want to own more, so...yeah. I think that's the plan. And one day it will be our combined empire, I guess? That's the hope!

I got some sort of discouraging news last night, though. A friend has been considering buying a new property in Portland for a while, and we've discussed it a bunch and it's always been one of those things where he promised to keep me in the loop when his thoughts get more serious. Without making this too much about other people's personal lives, here's the skeleton of the situation: two of my friends, both polyamorous, are in relationships with other people who do not want kids. Both of these friends do want kids, and have talked about co-parenting arrangements, involving living in side-by-side duplexes, things like that. The idea was that if this were to come to be, I'd find them a property and everyone would live happily ever after. BUT one of those friends (with whom I've never been terribly close; I know the other one much better) is dating Dan (my ex). And apparently Dan is likely to be living in that house now. So they don't think they can hire me as a Realtor. Ugh.

Our breakup was not pretty -- our relationship existed in a very bad time in my life, and as I started to come out of that period of darkness, I realized the relationship was not what I wanted. I ended it as kindly as I could, but the end dragged out way too long -- we were living together (a decision a sane and healthy Meg would never have made, sigh), and the time between the breakup and when Dan moved out got really tense. Still, I feel like I was very kind in how I let him stay until he found something else, and then keep his things here even longer...I'm sure his side of the story is a little different, but my point is I didn't TRY to make it awful between us. I just wanted to end the relationship, and he pretty much decided not to be in my life anymore after that, which has been fine. We haven't run into each other at all. But it was a surprise to me that he would be a roadblock to someone else buying a house from me...someone whom I still consider a friend. I was surprised to hear my friend last night tell me that Dan has very uncharitable thoughts toward me. That's just shitty. I think back on all the awful things he said about his ex-wife, too. Things I took at his word at the time...but here's the thing: she ended their marriage; not him. I ended our relationship; not him. If the partners in his life have been so awful, why wasn't it he who ended things? I know it's never black and white and of course people stay in bad relationships all the time...but when there's a pattern of "she dumped me, isn't she wretched?" maybe it's time for some introspection? I haven't wished him ill in the time we've been apart. Sometimes I've been curious how he's doing, but he made it clear he wants no interaction with me, and I'm content with that anyway. But today I can't help but be angry with him. I can understand him not wanting to hire me as HIS Realtor, but I wouldn't be in this case, and honestly that's kind of secondary to wtf is he saying to my friends about me now, more than a year out from our breakup, that is so uncharitable? Hrrrnnng.

Anyway, in the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal, and I'll get over it soon. Hopefully my friends will still work with me if they do buy a house together. If not, I'll be disappointed but understanding, and hopefully they will at least let me refer them to someone else. Right now I'm going to go cardio out some frustrations, and daydream about the life that exists for me when I am a big shot Realtor partnered with a big shot programmer, and the disappointments of my past romantic follies no longer cut so deeply.
jianantonic: (Seahorse)

Saturday was a nice productive day, with exactly the right amount of non-lazy leisure time mixed in. Toby cooked while I cleaned up a lot, then we did some chores together, and it was just a really good day. I don't often have whole weekend days with him, because he usually spends some portion of the weekend with his other partner. People ask me all the time how I can handle this, how I don't get jealous, etc. Here's the thing -- I don't mind that he's not here all the time, because I like my alone time. I like spreading out in the bed. I like not feeling like I should be "on" for the person I'm with. So I don't mind that. Emotionally, he and I are on the same wavelength about monogamy. It's just not how we're wired. I can love someone else without that diminishing how I feel about him, so I know and understand that his other partners don't detract from our relationship. And I know that if I need him, he'll be here. I also trust his other girlfriend to understand that. She and I have only hung out a few times, but we like each other just fine. We just don't have a lot of social crossover. But we work together really well -- she's always been flexible about schedule things, and I believe I always have been, too.

Right now I'm not dating anyone else, and not really looking to, but that doesn't mean I crave monogamy. I get crushy pretty often, and I like that there's room for that to happen for me without it having to be a big paradigm change for everyone. If I date someone else, I'll fit them into the time when Toby is with C. But for now, I like being with Toby whenever I can be, and I like my alone time when his schedule creates it for me. I do miss Toby when he's not around, but not in an I-need-him-here kind of way. More in an I-hope-I-remember-to-tell-him-about-XYZ-things-when-I-see-him-next way.

Anyway the whole point of that was to say that having an entire day with Toby meant we could get a lot of things done -- including a nap! -- and I feel good about all we managed. Today was a lot lazier, but I did make some progress in my crafts anyway. And I went to the gym for an hour and a half. So not entirely lazy. Just net negative on housework. Tomorrow (er, later today), my friend Keith is coming over to help me fix a problem with my sliding glass door. He's a very accomplished contractor and I'd feel bad about asking him for favors like this except that he repeatedly assures me that it gives him joy and a sense of purpose to do such things for his friends, so! He'll be coming over sometime to lube my back door so it'll hopefully open easier. His words. Maybe that's why he wants to do favors for me....

Anyway, tomorrow, today, whatever, should be a productive day. That's the goal, anyway!

jianantonic: (Seahorse)
Was it just last week I was celebrating being able to have an email exchange with McKenzie without crying? It's as if he read that and took it as a challenge. We've had some of the kindest, softest exchanges of the decade we've known each other in the last couple of weeks. That fucker.

Things that are true about me:
I love Toby and want to be with him. I'm fully committed to him and happy about it.
I love and miss McKenzie.
My life is better than it has (ever?) been.
There will always be voids that only McKenzie can fill. And sometimes I'll really wish they were filled. (Haha maybe that's a vagina joke! Except no it's not. Also not a butt sex joke, for the record.)
I may or may not want to date other people and have varying levels of romantic relationships with them over the years.
Right now I'm emotionally capped at casual dating, no sex. But I'm open to the possibility that this could change any time.

Anyway that's where my heart is now. Happy for what is, sad for what is not, excited for the future that is possible, devastated about the loss of the future I once may have had.
jianantonic: (Seahorse)
I've got a million things I really need to be working on today, but for the most part, that's just not going to happen. Maybe I'll be productive tomorrow.

Last night was Ross's birthday party. He always throws a huge shindig at his place, with live music, stand-up comedy, dancing, food, and lots of booze. I always meet awesome people there and have a great time -- I've known him a year and change, and he does the parties for his birthdays and also a winter version, so it was my third one. Last night, Toby and I decided after lots of fun times that it was probably time to go, and we gathered our things, thinking it must be about 1am. It was 3:30. Holy shit. So today's plans were already in jeopardy at that point. Then when we got in our Uber, I started feeling not so great. About halfway home, I asked the driver to pull over, so that I could gather myself in the fresh air and not puke in his car. Luckily, I didn't puke at all, but as soon as I was out of the car gathering myself, Toby came to my side, and the driver pulled away. Toby had told him to go on, but really I didn't think I needed that much time. Oops. So we ended up waiting in the cold for about 15 minutes while we waited for the next available driver. The rest of the ride home was no piece of cake, but we made it, and once I got to bed, I felt a lot better. Toby actually ended up barfing a bit before bed, but he said he felt much better for it and not to worry. Okay then.

Having been working hard all week to get up earlier and be active in the mornings, my body was well into that pattern, and was not interested in letting me get the sleep I so very much needed to fight off the massive hangover I had dealt myself. So I was awake and feeling fucking terrible at 7am. I drank a lot of water and shuffled around the bedroom rather aimlessly for a while, and after maybe an hour of just feeling like total ass, I remembered that aspirin is a thing! So I took some, and as soon as it started to take effect, I was able to drift off to a much more comfortable sleep. Toby and I both had different places to be at 3, so at 1:30, I decided it was time to work on getting up. Toby was out COLD. I had been awake for a bit and rubbing his back and while reading, and usually this sort of thing elicits a few satisfied mumbles from him, but he was almost entirely unresponsive. I finally had to just wake him up so we'd get to where we were going on time, but when he got up, he was sick again. Poor guy. We did finally get out the door, and he assured me he was doing better, but the car ride sorta got to him, too, so we pulled over for a bit for him to collect himself. I dropped him off soon after, and he says he's doing much better now. I'm glad. I haven't been feeling hungover since taking the aspirin, but I've been void of energy all day. I was only out for a couple of hours, and when I made it back home, the plan was to go for a run, but the reality was to go to sleep. Cleopatrick and I got some good cuddle time, and I really enjoyed those additional hours of rest. I came downstairs to have a sandwich for dinner, and have been toying with the idea of some sort of exercise still, but...no. Today is a write-off. So I've been doing some puzzles and online games and just listening to music and drinking water, letting myself recover. I have an open house tomorrow, and plans every day next week, so I'll be back in the swing of things shortly. A nothing day is fine.

I did talk to some family on Facebook, though. My cousin Laura and her husband are splitting up. I don't know any of the details and I'm not sure if I ever will, but I messaged both of them to let them know I'm thinking of them and love them. Of all the marriages in my family, I really had considered theirs one of the very strongest. I'm not around them much, but I've always been close with Laura, and just everything about their relationship that I'd witnessed was the kind of stuff that makes even happy people really jealous. So it's a real shock that they're splitting. Above all, I feel terrible for them, because I know the heartbreak first hand and I care about them both very much and it's so sad. But in the abstract, their split makes me feel kind of comforted? Like, relationship perfection isn't what it seems, and I can retroactively kind of ease the pull of the jealousy I used to feel. It's hard to explain. It's not schadenfraude, because again I am SAD for them. I guess it's just kind of enlightening? And now I'm no longer the only one in my entire goddamn family who's been divorced. The closest divorce in my family is my aunt on the other side, who has been separated, but not divorced, from her husband for twentysome years. No one else in my extended family on either side, going out as far as I actually know my relatives, has been divorced. Being a divorcee in this family has felt a lot like I imagine it would have felt like in the 50's. People just DON'T do it, and they don't know how to relate to those very few of us who have. So...in a way I feel like their split brings me closer to my family, or my family closer to me. These reflections make me feel like I'm kind of horrible, finding a selfish benefit in their sad circumstances. I mean...ugh. I'm not happy. But yeah, the situation has led me to find a silver lining that is only my own. Anyway.

And then, Toby. I am so happy with him. And I think we do have this crazy strong relationship. Others probably would be jealous of it except for the fact that we are non-monogamous, and most folks I know can't really wrap their heads around that. Like they assume we're happy about our relationship except for the poly part. And...no? There are times he's with his other partner when I wish he was here, but there are also times when he's at work and I wish he was here instead. And all of those times, if I say to him that I need him to put me first and be here, he will. So it's not something that bothers me. I like dating others, too, but I do find that I'm not really as interested in pursuing whole romantic relationships with others. I have formed a lot of new relationships over the last year, and most of them are just friends. Even some of the romantic-ish relationships I've had are really only a notch beyond completely platonic. Toby is the only serious partner I have right now, and I'm happy in this situation. But I don't want monogamy. I still like going on dates, I still like that it's okay to explore any feelings that develop, I still like first kisses, etc. Those things just aren't at all attached to the notion that the person I'm seeing could be "the one" or fill some major role in my life that's currently vacant. It's so liberating to date like that. The pressure is entirely off, and everything feels really authentic. And so far, that part of me just wants to cuddle a little and play board games and sometimes kiss :)
jianantonic: (Seahorse)
Each of the last several days, my emotions have been a complete roller coaster. Something will trigger a huge frustration/sadness/worry, and I'll have a debilitating reaction to it. I feel really, really awful for a few hours, then I gradually start doing healthy things that pull me out of the funk and back to at least a decent, if not sometimes really good, mood. How about that? Make good choices, feel better about life. Maybe there's something to that.

For what it's worth, I do think the new anti-depressants I'm taking are working just fine. I'm fairly certain these are the same reactions I'd have under even the best circumstances. I've just been steamrolled by several crushing stresses and new things to worry about, you know? But, one foot in front of the other, pick up, move on. (Sometimes after a nap.)

I finished week 5 of the Couch to 10K program today. It escalated quickly! Up through week 3, it was at most 90-second jogs. Week 4 had a mix of jogs anywhere from 1-5 minutes, but were still at least half walking. Then today it was warm up walk for 5 minutes, run for 20 minutes, cool down walk for 5 minutes. Okay then. Guess we're not messing around anymore.

I also went to my real estate office to have a chat with a mentor about strategies. He helped me flesh out some ideas, and I'm feeling pretty pumped to get going on them. It was right after that meeting, unfortunately, that today's crash came. I was in such a good mood that I actually answered my phone when it rang. Caller ID told me it was this old bridge friend, and I was pleased to see him calling me. Here's the thing about this guy -- he's a total doofus and I don't take him seriously about anything, but he's a nice guy and he always strokes my ego because he's had a crush on me forever. So I was happy to answer the phone. I haven't talked to him since my last NABC, a year and a half ago. He's not on social media, so we haven't kept up at all. After the initial hellos, he tells me he's calling because he didn't realize McKenzie and I split up. He had seen McKenzie last week and asked him why I didn't come to tournaments anymore, and McKenzie's answer was "I haven't seen her in over a year and it's the best thing that ever happened to me."

Okay, this dude is a total moron for telling me that. Of COURSE I didn't need to hear that. I made an excuse about having to go to a work meeting and got off the phone just before I started sobbing. I know McKenzie is thriving without me. That's not news. I know he's doing well and he's happy. But I was still under the impression that even though the divorce was good for him, he cared about me and was supportive from a distance, even though he's not in my life right now. But to hear that he's just cavalierly telling acquaintances that leaving me was the best thing he's ever done -- motherfucker, that's a gut punch. And humiliating on top of it. So I went from my go-getter, can't-wait-to-put-these-ideas-in-motion attitude to pajamas under the covers while I cry myself sick. I texted Toby and told him, and he kept encouraging me to go for a run (I had planned to take the day off and just work). I told him I knew he was right that it would help, but I just couldn't pull myself together enough to do it yet. After about two hours of crying to myself and halfheartedly trying to nap, I decided I should listen to the man who DOES love me and go for a run. So I did, and it did help. I still felt/feel really shitty about the McKenzie stuff (there's more to it than just what my friend said -- I sent McKenzie an email asking him to think about how cruel his statements are, and his reply was half apology/half even more hurtful), but I put taking care of myself ahead of feeling bad about myself, and when I got back, I was able to get a little bit of work done. Still not all that I'd planned, but enough that the day wasn't a total waste.

And then as I was winding down, I got new facebook friend requests from the guy who ghosted me over the weekend and his wife. They explained what had happened (poly drama, wife got scared that husband was falling for me too quickly, freaked out and asked him to stop seeing/talking to me, which is about what I guessed), both apologized a lot, and I chatted with both of them for a while. They're both coming to my birthday party tomorrow, and I'm glad I'm not left hanging. Also glad to not actually be cut off. It was a brand new thing and I'm not even really looking to date anyone else, but it turned out that I did like him quite a bit -- I think if I'm going to date him now, though, it's going to have to go at a snail's pace, which is actually what I prefer in this case anyway. Toby and I are leveling up more and more all the time, and I'm pretty focused on that relationship. Did I mention here that we adopted a kitten? He's not ready to wean yet, so we still have to wait a little while, but sometime in May, this house will have a new master. I can't wait :)

The fuck?

Apr. 24th, 2016 12:31 am
jianantonic: (Seahorse)
I went on 4 dates with a guy I met on OKC. I wasn't sure I was looking to actually date anyone new, but I liked talking to him and figured it would be nice to get to know him. And it was. I enjoyed hanging out with him, a lot. Yesterday we just hung out and talked for several hours. I sent him a text last night telling him I had a nice time, and another today asking what he thought of my haircut. No reply. I didn't think it was that weird, because he's got a family and I figured he was just spending time with them and didn't have time to text me back. (I met his wife yesterday, also. She seemed really cool. They're poly, too, obv.)

Having not heard from him at all by the end of the day, I was a little concerned. I just tend to worry when I don't hear from people. So I checked his Facebook account just to make sure there was no message that he'd died tragically or anything.

He blocked me. I'm blocked.


I can only speculate, but I'm guessing his wife wasn't cool with it and asked him to cut ties with me? It would have been nice to get a "sorry, bye" message, though. I guess this is what it feels like to be ghosted. Fuck. Well, anyone who would do that to me is not worth my sorrow, but it still sucks. I'm still hoping I'll get an explanation from him eventually, but I won't be holding my breath. See, this is why I make it a rule in my relationships not to date people who are new to polyamory. Too much drama. (I didn't realize until we had our long heart-to-heart yesterday just how new he and his wife were to it. Oh well.)

Toby got home from a trip tonight -- I hadn't seen him since before I left for New York. I'm really happy he's back. He's sleeping on my left arm right now. I'm a very lucky girl, despite how anyone else might treat me.
jianantonic: (Seahorse)
I have a self-imposed deadline to file my taxes today. I haven't started yet and I don't wanna. It's overwhelming and scary and I just want to go fetal. Knowing this was on my agenda for the day, I slept until almost noon. And then took another nap after lunch :/

Toby is over here now, though, and he is going to help me. He's still working right now, though, so I'm still procrastinating.

I downloaded a new "trainer" app that my doctor recommended. It asks you what your fitness goals and abilities are, and then it gives you workout suggestions. I did two HIIT workouts today. I think the fact that I told it I work out regularly already made it assume I'm more capable than I am, because holy fuck that shit was hard. Some of the items were not things I can do at all, so I modified them. At the end, you get to rate whether it was too easy, too hard, or just right, so I told it that it was too hard. We'll see what adjustments I get for my next recommendations. I think it's good, though. I know HIIT is a good thing to put into my routine...I just hate it so much. I suppose it'll get easier and I'll hate it a little less if I keep at it. We'll see...

C210K is going well...I'll do W2D3 today. So far the runs are not terribly challenging (no more than 90 seconds at a time), so I've been upping my speed. I doubt I'll be able to keep doing a 9-minute mile pace when I get into the longer blocks of running, but I imagine it'll help bring my speed up a bit, anyway. I know I have it in me to do better than the 12-minute miles I've been running since my accident a year and a half ago.

Last night I went with Ross to an art opening at a swingers' club. It was just an art show -- partying wasn't open until after we left. I've always been curious about this place. Dan always wanted me to go but it just intimidated the fuck out of me. Going for the art show was a pretty gentle introduction, and I'd definitely be willing to go back sometime in the future. Not sure how much I'd want to, uh, participate, but there is a dance floor and a bar, and the people I met last night were all quite disarming. So, yeah. Maybe something new for me to try one day.

I also went out on a couple of OKC dates this week. Not really dates so much as meetups with people I met on this dating site. Both guys were nice, and I can see being friends. Possibly more? But probably not. I'm just not feeling that interested in any more dating. I'm head over heels for Toby, McKenzie still has a big chunk of my heart, and most of my leftover emotional bandwidth goes to Ross, whom I really only see a couple times a month anyway. But for some reason last week I felt compelled to open a few of my more recent messages on OKC, and I felt like both of these guys offered conversations worth having (one opened with a story about scuba diving to see seahorses, the other told me he's ex-Mormon). Been talking to each fairly regularly and definitely like them both. Just don't really feel like I have room in my life for any more *partners* right now. I do like that I have the freedom to meet these people and that we're all on the same page, basically. They're in primary relationships, they understand I'm not really looking for anything, we're just meeting because it seems like we might enjoy spending time together. But not necessarily in a sexy way. And it feels normal. It's really nice to be able to let relationships happen as they may in my life, without feeling like I need to hide one person from another, or be dishonest in any way about it. And I feel like what I've got with Toby is really, really strong. So all that's good. There's just still a big pit of McKenzie sadness. And what I want for the future of that relationship doesn't really gel with what I want for the rest of my future, so I imagine it'll be a struggle to make peace for a long time yet. Right now I'm just experiencing the feelings as they are and not trying to force any changes. Learning how to accept what I can't control, appreciate my blessings, and do what I can to maximize the good. Sometimes even succeeding at it.


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September 2017

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