Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

I need to complain, but have no good place to do it. No one is likely to read it here, but at least I can get it out of me a little bit.

Toby and I are running the Northwest Passage Ragnar next weekend. We signed up with a team of I Run 4 folks, none of whom we've met before. Somehow we got voluntold to captain Van 2. Only one of our teammates has chipped in for the cost yet, but I do trust that they'll all pay up on race day...I hope?

Anyway, the race starts in Bellingham on Friday. That's a long fucking drive from Portland, so we're staying in Seattle the night before, at a friend's house. I think there was some discussion about us picking up team members on the way to the race, which I'm happy to do -- if they're on the way.

The rest of the team lives in Puyallup, which is about 40 minutes south of Seattle. On the way from Portland, sure, but NOT from Seattle. They were all expecting rides to Bellingham on Friday morning. I asked them to get to Seattle so we don't have to backtrack. They're bitching and moaning about this. They don't want to spend the money on gas (but it's fine for us to do it?!) and one of them said in the Facebook thread that "you should've gotten a hotel in Puyallup."

WTF?! They should've offered us a fucking guest room.

I'm really trying not to hate these people before I even meet them, since I have to spend a weekend in a van with them now...

I just completed week 7 of the couch to 10K training program. On the one hand, I feel good. I'm getting through the training program on schedule without having to repeat any failed days (yet...), and I've improved my pace a lot. I'm running the fastest I've run since before my accident. I'm doing a combination of PT stretches, cardio routines, and this program, all at my doctor's recommendation. It's really hard work, and it is paying off. I ran 2.5 miles at a 10-minute pace.

So, yeah, that's awesome. I haven't run a 10-minute mile in over a year and a half. I'm improving.

But here's the thing: when I was a 50-pounds-overweight 24-year-old, running for the first time in my life, I STARTED at a 10-minute mile pace. I ran my first 5K when I was 28, having lost a lot of weight but never having been a runner. I don't remember my exact time...something like 32 minutes, I think? So, you know, basically a 10-minute mile. And that was with hills. Almost all of my training nowadays is on a treadmill set to no incline. I've worked hard to rehab my body since my accident almost two years ago, and I'm finally *almost* to the point where I can run as well as I did the very first time I ever ran a race? Ugh, how frustrating.

My lungs can do it. My heart can do it. My muscles can do it. I don't get sore like I used to -- I'd push myself on runs and my calves and quads and hamstrings would be sore for a day or two after. Now I don't get muscle soreness. My back hurts. My bones feel like they can't hold me up anymore. This fucking car accident.

Don't text and drive, friends. The kid who hit me was probably texting. He was on a long straightaway and veered right into me without even touching his brakes. He admitted he wasn't looking up. I'm lucky I was in good shape before this happened. My injuries are limited to "not being the athlete I once was," instead of death or paralysis. It could be a lot worse, sure, but it's changed my life in a big, shitty way. I'm doing what I can to get better. But the time and effort I have to put into it just to get back to where I was before I ever ran a race is unreal. I used to have a goal to run a marathon before I turned 40. Right now my goal is a fucking 10K. Just to run a complete 10K again in my life. I've run dozens of them before. I've run 2 half marathon races and a zillion more miles of training. And now the highest I can allow myself to hope for is to be able to do something, with pain, that used to be easy for me.

The first day of 2016 was a pretty good one. I hosted a small mixture of old friends and new at my parents' house to ring in the new year. We partied hard -- Diet Dr. Pepper and board games ALL NIGHT LONG, yo. Well, until 1ish. I love that I can get together with these people once a year, maybe less frequently than that even, and when we're hanging out, it's just the same as always.

I'm still not really drinking alcohol. I had a small margarita at the Mexican restaurant last week with my brothers, but other than that I haven't felt tempted or like I'm missing out on much. I like getting a good buzz from time to time, but I think it was becoming too much of a regular habit for me, and it's probably one of the bigger conributing factors to my body dissatisfaction of the last couple of years. So I'm not taking a big stand and declaring myself alcohol-free or whatever, but it seems that this is a habit I am changing and I feel good about that change.

This morning after not enough sleep, I got up to meet Helen & Zach in Free Union for a 5K -- Helen's first ever :) It was really cold, but the course was beautiful, and it was one of the more enjoyable runs I've ever done. I felt pretty good, too. First mile was 11 minutes, next mile was 10ish, and the third may have been sub-10, but I don't think quite. I did kick it up for the last quarter mile and finish strong. Probably had some more in the tank at the end, but I'm doing a good job of pacing myself these days. It's not like I'm ever going to win one of these things, so I might as well run slowly enough that I don't want to quit and die in every run. I've been running for many years now and I still haven't found a way to enjoy it much, but swallowing my pride is a big step toward hating it less. And I'm actually considering signing up for another half marathon. I've done two before, and I hate the training so much...but it would be really good for me to get back into that kind of shape, and Toby says he'd run it with me...ergh...I'll probably find one to do this spring...

After the race, we met up with most of the same group from last night and had burritos at a new place in Crozet. Basically Chipotle but not Chipotle. It was yummy, and I've been enjoying some really incredible farts ever since. I was wiped out by the time I got home, though. I took a long, hot shower followed by a super long nap. I woke up long enough to have a small dinner, work some of the jigsaw puzzle downstairs, and talk to my parents for a few minutes before retiring to bed again. I love bed.

Kelly and I were planning an awesome road trip to get back home, but that's not going to pan out after all. The car we were going to take was hit by a semi a few days ago and totaled. Kelly and Dave were in the car at the time, but they are un-injured. It's a huge bummer to have to cancel the adventure, but I'm also kind of looking forward to getting back to Portland and having some time to relax and reacclimmate before shit gets busy again. I'm probably flying to Jacksonville in a few weeks for a wedding weekend, and I'm starting my trivia hosting gig and have a bunch of doctor appointments...extra time in Portland is a good thing.

Toby will get home from Scotland a few days after my return, and I'm anxious to see him, too. I've reached the point in my stay here in Virginia where every time my mother says my name, I cringe and brace myself. I love my family, but it's time to go home...

And finally, since it's January 1, here are some things I'm hoping to do this year:

I want to be better about recording my running mileage so I can have a good idea what the total is at the end of the year. For the past three weeks, I've been running 10+ miles every week. This will be week 4 in a row as long as I run 2 more miles before Monday :) The 10 miles a week thing is a good goal for me right now, but I want to increase it gradually.

I want to learn to cross stitch. I got some awesome patterns from subversivecrossstitch.com and I can't wait to try them out.

More yoga.

Round up some new clients, sell some more houses.

Be good to myself.

Doable, I think.

I am 32 years old (and a half, as of tomorrow), and for the first time in my life, I live alone. It'll be very brief as I have an airbnb person checking in today to stay for a month, but whatever, I'm the only permanent resident of my home. It's weird. It's liberating. It's sad. It's overdue.

I have feelings.

But right now I'm just sort of in awe of the space that I have. The closets? Mine. The bathrooms? Mine. Pantry, fridge, walls, garage, etc...this stuff is just mine, and I can rearrange it (or get rid of it) as I please. Wow.

Dan moved his things out while I was away this weekend for the Napa Valley Ragnar Relay. The race was an amazing experience for me. I signed up back in April or something, and I've been dreading it (but not preparing for it) ever since. The last couple of weeks, I put in extra time at the gym, but still not really running -- just extra minutes on the elliptical, a little more weightlifting, not skipping days. I had no idea how that would translate to running, but it was better than I'd hoped. I had 3 great runs and I'm really anxious to do it again. I may have finally discovered something of a runner's high. My team was great and I loved the experience and I have a lot more to say about it, but I'm still tired and have shit to do around my house before the airbnb person checks in, so I'll leave it at that for now. It was good.

I did pull a muscle, though. Not during the run, of course, but while I was taking my shoes off after my second leg. Guess what I pulled...you're not going to guess it. A kegel. I didn't even know that was fucking POSSIBLE, but the repeated twinges I get when I shift my weight tell me that it is very real. Dang. But I love a good story, so of course I consider this worth it. And my tail bone is a little worse for wear after the race, so basically my whole bottom area is a disaster zone. Moreso than usual.

A friend is on his way over to help me do some chores -- I wonder if he knows that's what he's coming over to do...but anyway I should get moving on those things.

I went for a run on my lunch break today to gauge how I felt compared to my 5am runs. I'm proud of myself for doing those early morning workouts, but they've been so hard, I've been really discouraged. I wanted to run at my "regular" time so I could figure out if I'm in a running slump or if I just haven't adjusted to the early mornings. I did 3 miles and the jury's still out...I was more fatigued than I expected to be, but ultimately got through the run without slowing down at all, so I guess I did somewhat better this time. Another factor is that the morning runs are with a group, and I spend a lot of time talking. Trying to talk definitely adds to the exertion. There's no doubt, though, that I'm far from my tip top running condition. Seems like a little from column A, a little from column B...

Last night at the gym, we did the brand new Body Pump workout. Holy shit. They've been trending toward more and more intensity over the past few releases, and this one is No Joke. I'm sore as fuck today. So that may also have had something to do with my lackadaisical run. But whatever, I'm kicking ass. Mostly my own, but that's the point.

Woke up at 4ish to get my husband to the airport this morning. Before coming home and sinking back into bed, I met with Lorie's running group again at 5:30. Today was a slower pace group, mostly beginners, which was FINE with me! I came home, did Day 14 of my 30-day challenge workout, and then enjoyed a few more hours of sleep. My agenda for the day includes some more real estate schoolin', Body Pump this afternoon, and probably going to eat some Indian food in a little bit.

I had a really good weekend, for the most part. Lots of physical activity, time with friends, good noms, Book of Mormon...then couples counseling yesterday afternoon was REALLY hard. Things are still going well, and we're making the kind of progress we need to make, and all that's fine and dandy, really, but it was still a really hard session and I spent most of the rest of the day sobbing. I hadn't had a good cry in way too long, so maybe I was just due.

It sounds really cliche but it's true -- marriage is fucking HARD. I'm happy that I'm married to McKenzie, but we've got a lot of marriage cleanup to do. And I hate cleaning. Working on it, though. Making progress. It's worth it. Just lots of frustrating points along the way. Dealing with that frustration in a healthy way is also something of a challenge. But I'm getting better at it.

We looked at our calendar and picked McKenzie's next free weekend (September 20th) for his first 5K. Maybe first, last, and only, but I suspect he'll enjoy it more than he thinks, and I'm really looking forward to sharing it with him. If you want to join us, it's the Oktoberfest Fun Run at Oaks Park -- registration includes a ticket to the Oktoberfestivities after the race, and also it's at an amusement park. It's going to be super fun, and I'm looking forward to that.

Tomorrow I will wake up at 4:45am for another early morning run with Lorie. Because I am just fucking crazy, I guess. And this time I don't get to go back to bed -- I just get to shower and go to work. This will be the third day this week that my day starts well before dawn. It's not even really necessary, because I could run on my lunch break, but this way I go with a friend and I get it done early in the day. And I don't have to take a full lunch hour, which is good because I'm paid hourly. So I'm saving like three bucks by doing this. LOOK AT ME BEING RESPONSIBLE.

I went to Body Pump tonight. The teacher said she'd be out for the next three weeks for cancer treatment, then back in August, no big deal. Holy shit. I had no idea she had cancer. But anyway I hope her treatments go well and she's back when she expects to be because I really love her class. Someone will substitute while she's out, but she is my favorite teacher. Anyway it makes me feel like a wimp for being "too sleepy" to work out. So I'm getting up at motherfucking 5am tomorrow and running like a motherfucking champ.

I had a fabulous and full weekend. I'm exhausted now, but not because of fatigue (yay!) -- it's because I did a whole bunch of awesome, active shit all weekend. Jen came down from Seattle, and we did very Portlandy things in beautiful Portland summer weather, and I spent a lot of time with Paul as well. Paul and Jen are good friends from college, and it just worked out for us to meet up both days, and it was lovely. I love Paul. I love Jen. I love all my friends. I was surrounded by good people all weekend. Other activities included a bridge lesson (Jen and me teaching Brian and Paul), game night with a huge group, 10K this morning, brunch with Lorie & David, games, ice cream, and more vegging with Paul.

The 10K was great! I was able to manipulate Jen into doing it with me, and I'm so glad she did. She's always been a runner, but due to persistent injury issues, she's taking it slow and doing the Couch to 5K program right now. She's right in the middle of that, which is the perfect time to insert a 10K race into the training, right? Heh. I agreed to do plenty of walking with her, because truth be told, I was in no condition to run 6.2 miles anyway. She was my excuse to take it a little easier than I otherwise would have let myself. We agreed to do the race in 4x1 increments, running approximately 4 minutes, then taking a 1-minute walk break, and repeating this pattern throughout. It was great! We don't know our official time yet, because it's still not posted (wtf?), but the clock was at 1:02 when we crossed. It was chip timed and we didn't start at the very beginning, so it's possible we broke the hour mark. I don't think quite...but still, an impressive time for me. My 10K PR is actually my split from the half marathon, like 55 minutes or so, but my best 10K race was 58 minutes and change. To come damn close to a PR after phoning in the training and then doing plenty of walking feels kind of amazing. Though there are rumors that the course was a little short. We're going to ignore those rumors.

Difficult things in life remain difficult, but the perspective and outlook keep improving. Improvements are outpacing my expectations, in fact. I feel good about things. ((Hugs)) to the world because I'm just feeling huggy right now -- but especially to anyone who wants them from me right now. :)

It's been a really good few days. McKenzie and I are working hard on changing our perspectives so that we stop expecting negativity from the other. I'm honestly blown away by what an amazingly positive impact this attitude shift has had. I'm trying to be more conscious of when he's bidding for my attention, and vice versa, and we're just trying extra hard to engage each other. Not forcing it, but seizing opportunities. It's working beautifully so far. We had a really nice trip to Klamath Falls for the weekend. We listened to Jon Stewart's "America: The Book: The Audiobook" on the way down, and finished it just as we were pulling into our hotel.

We played two days of bridge and then drove home after the Swiss on Sunday. As is our grand tradition, we finished 2nd in the pair event. That's not just my tradition with Z -- I think I have more 2nd place finishes than any other results combined. Not a bad way to be, but I'd love to actually WIN more often. Oh well :)

I'm working the first half of this week so I can fly back to Virginia on Thursday for the big huge Massie reunion on the farm. I'm so unbelievably excited. Lucy is already in Charlottesville staying with my parents this week, so I've been checking in with them each day and talking to her a lot. You guys. My niece is so cool. I love that kid. I can't believe she's 10 years old. She's amazing. I can't wait to see her, and the other two nieces, and the hundreds of other relatives that will be at Pharsalia this weekend.

I was just going to pack a carryon, but I've just been informed that I will be returning to the PNW with the at-long-last-completed bridal shower/slightly-belated-first-anniversary quilt for Emily and Chris. I'm really psyched to see that finished product, too. Emily, when are we getting together for the quilt exchange? And by exchange, I mean I just give it to you; you don't have to give me a quilt in exchange. I know they don't have the fourth of July in Canadia, but maybe you can come down that weekend anyway and run a 10K with me.

Oh yeah. I signed up for a 10K. It's called the Red, White, and Blues Run, and it's at the Portland waterfront on 7/6. It's my first time doing a course that loops on itself -- it's a 5K course, and those that run the 10K just do it twice. I'm somewhat concerned that I'm going to hate this particular format -- I'll be mentally prepared to go around again, but there's still something really bummery about seeing a finish line and then having to run the opposite direction. Oh well. I've got nothing to prove. I'm just gonna run. Or walk. Whatever. I'm going 6.2 miles that morning, somehow :)

I'm doing a 5-mile practice run tomorrow with Rigo, since I haven't done more than 5K since my half marathon. I should probably make sure my legs are still up to it. I think probably they are...then I'm meeting Marissa after work for noms and walks in our beautiful city. Antidepressants are great and all, but nothing's better for my psyche than walking around Portland.

Two more days of work (and really challenging workouts!), then I'm off to the east coast. Life is still far from perfect, but I'm in a great fucking mood nonetheless. I hope it lasts awhile.

I painted my fingernails bright red and bright yellow yesterday. Every time I look at my hands, I think of fire trucks.

Things are going...okay? McKenzie and I are communicating pretty well, and things have been nice between us for the past few days. I know he got to talk to some people and unload some thoughts, and we've had a couple of counseling sessions now, and we're getting better at handling this shitstorm together. We like each other and love each other a lot; that's not in doubt. But can we be happy in our marriage? We don't know, and not knowing is hard and it sucks and this is the prevailing state of my mind lately. But I know I will be okay. I am okay now, mostly. Just really sad a lot, but not void of happiness, either. It's a weird time.

We leave for Italy on Monday, and we still don't have much in the way of a plan for when we get there. I had wanted to go to Pompeii, but it looks like that's not going to work out -- it's about an 8-hour drive from Milan, where we're landing, and lodging options where that's a reasonable day trip are more expensive. So the vague plan is "tour northern Italy." I'd love to cross over to Switzerland for a day if it's feasible, just to say I've stood between more different imaginary lines. But anyway if you have any suggestions for the general area of northern Italy, hit me. My main request is that I want to see ancient things. Oh I'd also like for my marriage to hold together at least through the vacation, because if it all implodes over there, that's going to be a super fun 16-hour plane ride home. Or however long it is.

I really think it'll be okay, though. Indications are that things are going better. McKenzie's even keeping a spreadsheet with formulas. The math says our marriage is improving. (I love my husband. I love that he keeps a spreadsheet of his feelings and mathematical formulas to indicate how we're doing.) We're both looking forward to the trip. I have therapy tonight with my therapist, then we have joint counseling tomorrow online, then Saturday and Sunday I have the best therapy ever -- nieces! So I'm going into this trip all therapied up, and I think we'll experience it in a healthy way. Our game plan is to just enjoy each other's company, and without brushing things under the rug, treat the trip like we are a happy couple in love and on vacation, and see if we can really work out what that feels like. This could be just an epic disaster, but I am optimistic. Even though things are questionable, we're being kind and respectful and loving, so there's no reason to expect we'd make each other miserable on this trip. And if it was a movie, this trip would totally be the climax where we discover our certainty in our relationship and everyone lives happily ever after -- Thanks, Italy!! That's totally how it's going to go down, right? Totally.

Anyway I'm running 5 miles with Rigo today at lunch. He went with me on my 5-miler last Thursday, too, and it was definitely one of my better runs. He let me dictate the pace (last time I ran with him we did 8-minute miles, and I was DEAD at the end). We finished our five miles in 46 minutes -- on my own I run slower than a 10-minute mile pace, so I guess there's something to this running buddy thing. I felt better than I usually do, too. Here's hoping the same goes for today's run. I have Indian food for lunch when I'm done, and a massage scheduled for tonight at 7. Heh, if you count massage as therapy, I have three therapy appointments in the next 24 hours. I might be addicted to therapy. I wonder if there's therapy for that.