Blueprint for a better day
Aug. 29th, 2014 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicThings today got worse before they got better. Shit, you guys, it's been rough. People have been there for me, though. I appreciate that. I appreciate that people are understanding about the shit I'm going through, and sometimes I will be crying at my desk, and my coworkers no longer make a big deal of this. They understand, they are there for me, but they don't have to acknowledge it, which is helpful. It always makes me cry more when someone says "what's wrong?" But it was one of those days where I was again that girl who cries at her desk.
Z and I had an emergency phone session with our therapist this evening, because I was just at my wits' end. I don't need to go into all the details here, because that's why we therapy, but basically I've been feeling like my value to Z has been measured by weighing a good day against seven bad years. We've had long strings of really good days, and the bad wouldn't be half so bad if it weren't shrouded in fear that the future will be like the past. There's so much hedging and self-preservation at the expense of faith in one another...it sucks. It makes it hard to mend, or rebuild, or reboot, or whatever you want to say we're doing. I think tonight's session was helpful, and we have some homework to do before our next one. We are supposed to make lists of what we want in our partner. Not what we want from the other person, just what we want in a partner. Maybe I'll do that here. Just thinking about it, though, my list is so fluid. For instance, I don't need or require a partner who plays games. I love games, and if partner plays with me, cool!, but I also have friends that more than meet that need. So I don't need it in a partner. I love the Blazers. It'd be cool to have a partner who was into the Blazers, or who could at least have the occasional conversation about them or tolerate my superfandom, but honestly I don't give a flying fuck how a single other person on the planet feels about the Blazers -- with the exception of the team members and executives, I suppose. I want to share things with a partner, sure, but the specific things don't matter. The bottom line here, I guess, is that I want a partner who loves me for who I am, who can engage me in my passions, or who is cool with me sharing those passions with others. I guess, what's the difference between partner and friend? I want good sex with a partner. I want someone who will put up with my constant flatulence -- someone I don't have to hold it in for, y'know? So, er, yeah, sexy sex and free-form farts. And alliteration. These are my partnership preferences. (Ideally it helps a lot if you get my sense of humor, which is in fact a requirement in a partner, but also kind of a requirement in friendship...so again, really it comes down to sex and how bad I can allow myself to stink when we're together...romantic.)
So anyway. I'll work more on those thoughts later, but for now the plan is to make sure my weekend is awesome. Here's what's on the table so far: wake up and go to a Body Pump class at 8am, come home, sleep more if I feel like it, shower, head downtown and get a food cart lunch, then transit to Blitz Ladd for the Hokie game. After that, I'll come back to Beaverton, perhaps stopping at Chez Middendorf to help with some demolition. And by demolition I mean tearing up carpets and painting walls. So not a lot of demo. Still. Ripping shit up should be fun. Sunday I'll go for a run, be useful to friends wherever possible, and then attend games in the evening. Probably stopping at the food carts for dinner on the way to that, too. Monday I have a game date with David, whom I haven't seen in way too long, and another Body Pump class. I will fill the gaps in these days with work on real estate, extra naptimes, and probably more trips to the food carts. Because food carts.
Make stuff. Accomplish stuff. Rest. Play. Eat noms. Less wallowing.
Also tomorrow is Z's 35th birthday, and I'd really like to give him a happier wife as a gift. We'll see.
Z and I had an emergency phone session with our therapist this evening, because I was just at my wits' end. I don't need to go into all the details here, because that's why we therapy, but basically I've been feeling like my value to Z has been measured by weighing a good day against seven bad years. We've had long strings of really good days, and the bad wouldn't be half so bad if it weren't shrouded in fear that the future will be like the past. There's so much hedging and self-preservation at the expense of faith in one another...it sucks. It makes it hard to mend, or rebuild, or reboot, or whatever you want to say we're doing. I think tonight's session was helpful, and we have some homework to do before our next one. We are supposed to make lists of what we want in our partner. Not what we want from the other person, just what we want in a partner. Maybe I'll do that here. Just thinking about it, though, my list is so fluid. For instance, I don't need or require a partner who plays games. I love games, and if partner plays with me, cool!, but I also have friends that more than meet that need. So I don't need it in a partner. I love the Blazers. It'd be cool to have a partner who was into the Blazers, or who could at least have the occasional conversation about them or tolerate my superfandom, but honestly I don't give a flying fuck how a single other person on the planet feels about the Blazers -- with the exception of the team members and executives, I suppose. I want to share things with a partner, sure, but the specific things don't matter. The bottom line here, I guess, is that I want a partner who loves me for who I am, who can engage me in my passions, or who is cool with me sharing those passions with others. I guess, what's the difference between partner and friend? I want good sex with a partner. I want someone who will put up with my constant flatulence -- someone I don't have to hold it in for, y'know? So, er, yeah, sexy sex and free-form farts. And alliteration. These are my partnership preferences. (Ideally it helps a lot if you get my sense of humor, which is in fact a requirement in a partner, but also kind of a requirement in friendship...so again, really it comes down to sex and how bad I can allow myself to stink when we're together...romantic.)
So anyway. I'll work more on those thoughts later, but for now the plan is to make sure my weekend is awesome. Here's what's on the table so far: wake up and go to a Body Pump class at 8am, come home, sleep more if I feel like it, shower, head downtown and get a food cart lunch, then transit to Blitz Ladd for the Hokie game. After that, I'll come back to Beaverton, perhaps stopping at Chez Middendorf to help with some demolition. And by demolition I mean tearing up carpets and painting walls. So not a lot of demo. Still. Ripping shit up should be fun. Sunday I'll go for a run, be useful to friends wherever possible, and then attend games in the evening. Probably stopping at the food carts for dinner on the way to that, too. Monday I have a game date with David, whom I haven't seen in way too long, and another Body Pump class. I will fill the gaps in these days with work on real estate, extra naptimes, and probably more trips to the food carts. Because food carts.
Make stuff. Accomplish stuff. Rest. Play. Eat noms. Less wallowing.
Also tomorrow is Z's 35th birthday, and I'd really like to give him a happier wife as a gift. We'll see.
