(no subject)
Sep. 5th, 2014 09:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI'm trying so hard and the ROI feels like it's diminishing. When do I know I'm done?
I can't let go as long as there's any inkling of hope. Every time I start to let myself let go, something stops me. Sometimes external, sometimes internal. I thought we were done just before my car accident. Then I thought the accident was a turning point. Now I realize it wasn't. It was just something that pulled us back from another cliff. What if I'd died? What if I'd been seriously injured and needed care for the rest of my life? Would McKenzie have been willing to be my caregiver? Even if I was incapacitated to the point where I could never have a meaningful conversation again, never resolve the shit we've been through? Honestly...I doubt it. And that thought sucks. A lot of my thoughts suck, actually.
McKenzie doesn't seem to believe I'm a good person. It's not that he thinks I'm bad, and he says he wants to believe I'm good, but the past weighs so heavily on his opinion of me. My past is shitty and I understand why it does. But it's so frustrating that I am working so hard and making real and positive progress and I feel like he doesn't see it. He says he recognizes and appreciates the work I've done, but then he also says things that indicate that he doesn't think I've changed much at all. Or the big changes I've made are still so far from what he needs from me. I know I'm better than he thinks I am. I know I deserve a partner who thinks I'm awesome. But what we're going through right now is really harming my self esteem. The more my own self worth plummets, the harder it is for me to tell myself I deserve better and release myself from this spiral of fear and worry.
In spite of all this shit, though, I know we can be a great couple. I know a lot of ways that we already are a great couple. I love my husband tremendously and I know he loves me. But we keep missing and I don't know how much longer I can live with this kind of pressure and misery and frustration. Something big has to change. But what, and how? It feels like the obvious answer is that we break up. But for some reason we can't. The fact that neither of us wants to has to be good for something, right?
I hate this. I'm trying, though.
I can't let go as long as there's any inkling of hope. Every time I start to let myself let go, something stops me. Sometimes external, sometimes internal. I thought we were done just before my car accident. Then I thought the accident was a turning point. Now I realize it wasn't. It was just something that pulled us back from another cliff. What if I'd died? What if I'd been seriously injured and needed care for the rest of my life? Would McKenzie have been willing to be my caregiver? Even if I was incapacitated to the point where I could never have a meaningful conversation again, never resolve the shit we've been through? Honestly...I doubt it. And that thought sucks. A lot of my thoughts suck, actually.
McKenzie doesn't seem to believe I'm a good person. It's not that he thinks I'm bad, and he says he wants to believe I'm good, but the past weighs so heavily on his opinion of me. My past is shitty and I understand why it does. But it's so frustrating that I am working so hard and making real and positive progress and I feel like he doesn't see it. He says he recognizes and appreciates the work I've done, but then he also says things that indicate that he doesn't think I've changed much at all. Or the big changes I've made are still so far from what he needs from me. I know I'm better than he thinks I am. I know I deserve a partner who thinks I'm awesome. But what we're going through right now is really harming my self esteem. The more my own self worth plummets, the harder it is for me to tell myself I deserve better and release myself from this spiral of fear and worry.
In spite of all this shit, though, I know we can be a great couple. I know a lot of ways that we already are a great couple. I love my husband tremendously and I know he loves me. But we keep missing and I don't know how much longer I can live with this kind of pressure and misery and frustration. Something big has to change. But what, and how? It feels like the obvious answer is that we break up. But for some reason we can't. The fact that neither of us wants to has to be good for something, right?
I hate this. I'm trying, though.
