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Jan. 13th, 2015 04:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI don't know what's happening in my life. I asked McKenzie to give me some time to myself, to think about things without the overwhelming stimuli I get from our conversations. I want our marriage to work but I'm being pressured to make choices I'm not ready to make, not confident enough in myself to know what's right. He said he doesn't know if he can still be there for me at the end of this time off (I said I needed something like a week or two). Feels like I'm playing Russian Roulette. But I do need that time and I let him walk away. We hugged, said we loved each other, and then he drove off. He has a flight later tonight to Charlottesville, and will be back in the PNW in early February. I am so scared.
Nothing like an emotional crisis to get me moving on other things, though. I got fish today. Not seahorses -- I want to be damn sure the tank is fully ready before I spend $100 per fish on something that's going to mean a lot to me. So I went to an aquarium shop near me today and got some advice on what I could put in the tank to test it (something hardy that I'm not likely to kill as I figure this shit out), and something that can live harmoniously with seahorses when I'm ready for them. The overlap in that Venn diagram is rather small, though. I ended up bringing home some firefly gobies and some crabs (to be my tank cleaning crew, as suggested by the guy at the shop). I am currently following the instructions to acclimate them to my tank, which is a fairly slow process, but they'll be swimming free in there within an hour.
On my way home from running errands, I thought how much I would appreciate someone to come be with me for a little while. Most of my friends have jobs and other responsibilities that make this not so realistic, but I thought of my aunt Sara. She's retired and exactly the kind of person I want here with me as I go through whatever it is I'm going through. So I sent her a message asking her to come. She hasn't replied yet and I don't know if she'll be able to, but I feel a huge sense of relief just for having asked her. My parents said they'd come sometime soon, and I'm grateful, but my parents can be a little (a lot) too intense in these situations. My mom has a lot of issues with denial, and while she loves me and is here for me, she's not the best comfort. (When McKenzie and I were separated in 2010, I went to stay with my brother for a little while. My mom decided I needed her and came down herself, kicked me out of the guest bedroom onto the couch because she's too old to sleep on a couch, but then stayed up late on the couch watching sitcoms that invariably featured weddings.) I love my mom, but she has a knack for making me feel worse when she's trying to make me feel better. And I know how much I want to be the aunt that people turn to for support in tough times, so I figure maybe calling on my own aunt is a good way to go here.
I miss my husband.
Nothing like an emotional crisis to get me moving on other things, though. I got fish today. Not seahorses -- I want to be damn sure the tank is fully ready before I spend $100 per fish on something that's going to mean a lot to me. So I went to an aquarium shop near me today and got some advice on what I could put in the tank to test it (something hardy that I'm not likely to kill as I figure this shit out), and something that can live harmoniously with seahorses when I'm ready for them. The overlap in that Venn diagram is rather small, though. I ended up bringing home some firefly gobies and some crabs (to be my tank cleaning crew, as suggested by the guy at the shop). I am currently following the instructions to acclimate them to my tank, which is a fairly slow process, but they'll be swimming free in there within an hour.
On my way home from running errands, I thought how much I would appreciate someone to come be with me for a little while. Most of my friends have jobs and other responsibilities that make this not so realistic, but I thought of my aunt Sara. She's retired and exactly the kind of person I want here with me as I go through whatever it is I'm going through. So I sent her a message asking her to come. She hasn't replied yet and I don't know if she'll be able to, but I feel a huge sense of relief just for having asked her. My parents said they'd come sometime soon, and I'm grateful, but my parents can be a little (a lot) too intense in these situations. My mom has a lot of issues with denial, and while she loves me and is here for me, she's not the best comfort. (When McKenzie and I were separated in 2010, I went to stay with my brother for a little while. My mom decided I needed her and came down herself, kicked me out of the guest bedroom onto the couch because she's too old to sleep on a couch, but then stayed up late on the couch watching sitcoms that invariably featured weddings.) I love my mom, but she has a knack for making me feel worse when she's trying to make me feel better. And I know how much I want to be the aunt that people turn to for support in tough times, so I figure maybe calling on my own aunt is a good way to go here.
I miss my husband.
