I did a big new thing
Jun. 28th, 2015 06:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI've always been very silly and outgoing and open, and I'm guessing that most people would assume I'm the kind of person who loves to go streaking or flash random strangers when I'm drunk or maybe even not drunk. But the thing is, no. I've had body image issues for my whole life, and I've *never* been comfortable getting naked in front of others. Even with sexual partners, there have always been things about my body that I'm not comfortable with. In all my time with Z, I never did get past some of my hangups, even with him.
This is something I've been trying to work on. I mean it's not like it's an important life skill to be able to be naked in front of people, but I think the underlying body image and confidence are a big part of the whole deal, and also a lot of my friends do a lot of naked things and I'd like to not feel weird about it. Because I honestly don't care if my friends know what my tits look like. Clothing is such that the shape of a person's body isn't really ever a secret anyway -- but despite logic, the hangups remain, and so it's a thing that's hard for me.
I've done a few naked hot tub sessions with a handful of friends. It's always awkward for me at first, but then I loosen up about it. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea.
Then last night was the Portland World Naked Bike Ride. I've been planning to participate in this for years, but had been conveniently out of town in previous years, so I didn't have to worry about facing this anxiety until this year, when I had no alternate plans. I was literally sick to my stomach for most of the day just thinking about it. But I also knew all along that this was an illogical feeling and that I would be with 10,000 other naked people, so let's do this, right?
Well, I fucking did it. I went to the park about an hour before the ride and slowly removed more of my clothes until I was down to shoes, socks, underpants, and helmet. A lot of people keep their underpants on because, yeah, it's a sweaty thing, and I felt like that was a good stopping point for me. I stood around naked in the park with 10,000 other naked people. I met some new people for the first time while we were all naked together. Then I rode my bike through the streets of Portland for 5 naked miles. There were a few times where I felt a little weird -- a LOT of people stand on the sidelines and take pictures, which is pretty fucking skeevy, but I wasn't too icked out by it because it was mostly dark and I was part of a whole sea of nudity, so whatever. It actually didn't feel sexual at all. And that's the point. Part of the idea of the ride is to promote positive body image. And I don't feel like it cured my desire to look a little different, but I do feel like I can be as comfortable in this naked body as I could be in a perfectly sculpted one. And this was a big step that meant a lot to me. Yay.
This is something I've been trying to work on. I mean it's not like it's an important life skill to be able to be naked in front of people, but I think the underlying body image and confidence are a big part of the whole deal, and also a lot of my friends do a lot of naked things and I'd like to not feel weird about it. Because I honestly don't care if my friends know what my tits look like. Clothing is such that the shape of a person's body isn't really ever a secret anyway -- but despite logic, the hangups remain, and so it's a thing that's hard for me.
I've done a few naked hot tub sessions with a handful of friends. It's always awkward for me at first, but then I loosen up about it. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea.
Then last night was the Portland World Naked Bike Ride. I've been planning to participate in this for years, but had been conveniently out of town in previous years, so I didn't have to worry about facing this anxiety until this year, when I had no alternate plans. I was literally sick to my stomach for most of the day just thinking about it. But I also knew all along that this was an illogical feeling and that I would be with 10,000 other naked people, so let's do this, right?
Well, I fucking did it. I went to the park about an hour before the ride and slowly removed more of my clothes until I was down to shoes, socks, underpants, and helmet. A lot of people keep their underpants on because, yeah, it's a sweaty thing, and I felt like that was a good stopping point for me. I stood around naked in the park with 10,000 other naked people. I met some new people for the first time while we were all naked together. Then I rode my bike through the streets of Portland for 5 naked miles. There were a few times where I felt a little weird -- a LOT of people stand on the sidelines and take pictures, which is pretty fucking skeevy, but I wasn't too icked out by it because it was mostly dark and I was part of a whole sea of nudity, so whatever. It actually didn't feel sexual at all. And that's the point. Part of the idea of the ride is to promote positive body image. And I don't feel like it cured my desire to look a little different, but I do feel like I can be as comfortable in this naked body as I could be in a perfectly sculpted one. And this was a big step that meant a lot to me. Yay.
