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Mar. 19th, 2016 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicIt's been nice having my folks in town. Yesterday was my dad's 75th birthday, and we picked Adrian up at the airport and then all went out to dinner to celebrate. (A Chinese buffet, of course.) On Thursday, I took them to Spirit Mountain so they could get their penny slot fix. Toby tagged along both nights. I'm really pleased with how my parents have received him. I know my mom wishes I were still with McKenzie, and I worried that would translate to some hostility toward Toby, but she seems to get that he's a good guy. He wasn't with us today, and twice she commented that it was too bad he was busy and couldn't spend the day with us.
Today was a loooong day. We started by going to the Evergreen Aviation Museum in McMinnville. I've been a few times -- I love that place. But you know how when you've been somewhere a bunch of times and everyone you're with is seeing it for the first time, they want to stay way longer than you do? We were there for four hours. I had a good time, though, and I was glad they enjoyed it so thoroughly. Our next stop was Lincoln City, to see the Pacific Ocean and to get some Tillamook ice cream. On the way to Lincoln City, we passed Spirit Mountain, and I joked about going back there tonight. My brother said he'd be up for it, and of course my parents were happy to return, so that's where we spent the rest of the day. I played pai gow the whole time. That wasn't really my plan, but all the other tables were full and I was winning, so I stayed. Everyone else at my table was losing a lot, but I just kept getting lucky hands. I think in the 2+ hours that I played, I only lost 2 or 3 hands. Most hands in pai gow are pushes, though, so it's not like I was winning crazy money, either. When my family came to get me, I had a little more than doubled the $100 I'd started with. So, yay, a nice profit.
We got back to Beaverton around 9, and I've been unwinding at home since then. My brain keeps going to sad/frustrated/angry places, though. It's a combination of going to a lot of places that McKenzie took me when I first visited Oregon and bridge things. Nationals are going on and whenever I talk to another bridge player, they say "it's not the same without you here," but I know they're having a good time, and no one has reached out to me to say they wish I was there. The first few nationals I missed, I got dozens of inquiries from friends and acquaintances saying they'd hoped to see me...now I kind of feel forgotten. That sounds so melodramatic. But...ungh. I feel like an angsty teenager with this shit.
I have this huge conflict in my reality where I miss McKenzie and want desperately to have him in my life again, and the fact that I've missed out on so much of his experience now (and I know he's been traveling the world and doing amazing things) that I don't know if I could reunite with him in any way without feeling intense jealousy/sadness/I-should've-been-there-too feelings. I mean I have those anyway, but I guess I don't have to confront them quite on the level that I would if McKenzie and I had some kind of relationship again, you know?
I have so much regret about our marriage. I know that regret isn't a productive emotion, but people who say "no regrets" are people who have never experienced grief the way I do. They are people who probably don't have crushing mental illnesses that inhibit their ability to make good choices. They are people I want to punch in the face when they tell me I "can't" regret things. Yes I can and I do and the supportive thing would be to respect that it's hard for me, and be a friend. The tough get-over-it-and-move-on approach does not work here. It makes me feel worse. I wish people wouldn't tell me (or anyone) not to feel what I feel. Whether the feelings are good or bad, they're real, and I feel really invalidated when the people close to me don't recognize that. (This is more of a preemptive rant than a commentary on the way anyone is currently treating me. My support system is amazing.)
I'm in a place right now where I can appreciate and enjoy the many good things I've got going for me, but my sadness around my divorce is stronger than ever. I do believe it gets better, but I can't picture what that looks like right now. It feels a long way off, and right now I just need to honor my own sadness.
Today was a loooong day. We started by going to the Evergreen Aviation Museum in McMinnville. I've been a few times -- I love that place. But you know how when you've been somewhere a bunch of times and everyone you're with is seeing it for the first time, they want to stay way longer than you do? We were there for four hours. I had a good time, though, and I was glad they enjoyed it so thoroughly. Our next stop was Lincoln City, to see the Pacific Ocean and to get some Tillamook ice cream. On the way to Lincoln City, we passed Spirit Mountain, and I joked about going back there tonight. My brother said he'd be up for it, and of course my parents were happy to return, so that's where we spent the rest of the day. I played pai gow the whole time. That wasn't really my plan, but all the other tables were full and I was winning, so I stayed. Everyone else at my table was losing a lot, but I just kept getting lucky hands. I think in the 2+ hours that I played, I only lost 2 or 3 hands. Most hands in pai gow are pushes, though, so it's not like I was winning crazy money, either. When my family came to get me, I had a little more than doubled the $100 I'd started with. So, yay, a nice profit.
We got back to Beaverton around 9, and I've been unwinding at home since then. My brain keeps going to sad/frustrated/angry places, though. It's a combination of going to a lot of places that McKenzie took me when I first visited Oregon and bridge things. Nationals are going on and whenever I talk to another bridge player, they say "it's not the same without you here," but I know they're having a good time, and no one has reached out to me to say they wish I was there. The first few nationals I missed, I got dozens of inquiries from friends and acquaintances saying they'd hoped to see me...now I kind of feel forgotten. That sounds so melodramatic. But...ungh. I feel like an angsty teenager with this shit.
I have this huge conflict in my reality where I miss McKenzie and want desperately to have him in my life again, and the fact that I've missed out on so much of his experience now (and I know he's been traveling the world and doing amazing things) that I don't know if I could reunite with him in any way without feeling intense jealousy/sadness/I-should've-been-there-too feelings. I mean I have those anyway, but I guess I don't have to confront them quite on the level that I would if McKenzie and I had some kind of relationship again, you know?
I have so much regret about our marriage. I know that regret isn't a productive emotion, but people who say "no regrets" are people who have never experienced grief the way I do. They are people who probably don't have crushing mental illnesses that inhibit their ability to make good choices. They are people I want to punch in the face when they tell me I "can't" regret things. Yes I can and I do and the supportive thing would be to respect that it's hard for me, and be a friend. The tough get-over-it-and-move-on approach does not work here. It makes me feel worse. I wish people wouldn't tell me (or anyone) not to feel what I feel. Whether the feelings are good or bad, they're real, and I feel really invalidated when the people close to me don't recognize that. (This is more of a preemptive rant than a commentary on the way anyone is currently treating me. My support system is amazing.)
I'm in a place right now where I can appreciate and enjoy the many good things I've got going for me, but my sadness around my divorce is stronger than ever. I do believe it gets better, but I can't picture what that looks like right now. It feels a long way off, and right now I just need to honor my own sadness.
