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May. 26th, 2016 08:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI have a lot of dreams about McKenzie. The themes have shifted some over the months. At first, they were all about him abandoning me in different ways. Lately they've been more about us getting back together...sort of...only he pulls back when it starts to feel real. So I guess still abandonment-ish, but less mean than the first go-round.
Last night I dreamt that McKenzie presented me with our wedding rings again...asked me to be his wife again. And I was thrilled and I said yes.
And then I got to thinking about it and nearly went crazy with grief. (All in my dream, still.) I wanted to be with Toby. I wanted to talk to Emily about it, but all she wanted to do was go sledding. (Would it be a dream without some element of wtf?) But what it boiled down to was that I was going to end up telling McKenzie no, I can't be your wife again, I'm with Toby now.
Other relationships have never before factored into my dreams about McKenzie. They always take place in an imaginary space in time where we aren't yet divorced, but aren't together anymore. Last night was the first time my dream took place in the present (minus the snow on the ground). And I was decidedly in Camp Toby. The dream was stressful as hell, but I woke up and felt awesome. I'm with who I want to be with. There are no obstacles. I've got this.
I still miss McKenzie to pieces, and in a perfect world, we never would have divorced. Maybe in a perfect world, he and I could be happily polyamorous and Toby could be in that picture, too. But I don't know if there are enough hours in the day for me to share all I would want to share with the both of them.
Anyway. I want Toby. I'm with Toby. I'm really, really happy about that.
Last night I dreamt that McKenzie presented me with our wedding rings again...asked me to be his wife again. And I was thrilled and I said yes.
And then I got to thinking about it and nearly went crazy with grief. (All in my dream, still.) I wanted to be with Toby. I wanted to talk to Emily about it, but all she wanted to do was go sledding. (Would it be a dream without some element of wtf?) But what it boiled down to was that I was going to end up telling McKenzie no, I can't be your wife again, I'm with Toby now.
Other relationships have never before factored into my dreams about McKenzie. They always take place in an imaginary space in time where we aren't yet divorced, but aren't together anymore. Last night was the first time my dream took place in the present (minus the snow on the ground). And I was decidedly in Camp Toby. The dream was stressful as hell, but I woke up and felt awesome. I'm with who I want to be with. There are no obstacles. I've got this.
I still miss McKenzie to pieces, and in a perfect world, we never would have divorced. Maybe in a perfect world, he and I could be happily polyamorous and Toby could be in that picture, too. But I don't know if there are enough hours in the day for me to share all I would want to share with the both of them.
Anyway. I want Toby. I'm with Toby. I'm really, really happy about that.
