(no subject)
Jul. 29th, 2018 06:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI feel like my brother only remembers that I'm an adult when he needs me to babysit his kids. Otherwise I am a petulant toddler to him, at least based on the way he speaks to me.
My brother has been there for me bigtime through some of the hardest shit I've gone through as an adult, and I wouldn't be a Realtor if it weren't for his pushing. I wouldn't have come out the other side of my divorce as strong as I did were it not for his encouragement. So I know he's capable of being an awesome big brother. But most of the time he just really hurts my feelings, by treating me as if he believes I'm some piece of shit asshole.
A few years ago, my purple hair stained their sheets when I stayed here. I apologized and offered to replace them. They insisted that I not do so, but continue to hold that incident over me as an example of how careless and disrespectful I am. I didn't realize it would stain, it was a new dye at the time, others had not stained, and I did my best to make it right. He preferred to hold my fuckup over me instead of letting me make amends.
In order to have any relationship with my brother, I have to stop expecting him to apologize for being shitty. I have to put it behind me and move on. Earlier this week, we were planning a day on the lake in a boat. He was stressing over plans and asked the family why he was the only one who seemed to care about planning.
Then he looked at me and said "I know YOU don't care; you're just going to complain about everything no matter what."
I said "That's a real dickish thing to say."
Him: "I admit it was dickish."
Me: "Would you like to apologize for it, then?"
Him: silence.
I wish I had the courage to say to him how much his treatment hurts me. This is one small example of a lifetime of him projecting shitty behavior on me. He presupposes I'm going to be an asshole about things, and then treats me like I already have been. I can't win that game.
When my whole family is together, they're all like this. It's like they forget I'm not the baby anymore. When it's just me and one brother, we're more like peers. But the family dynamic makes things kind of awful, to the point that I have a hard time enjoying family stuff anymore. Which sucks. I love my family like crazy.
I adore my nieces and they adore me, but I hate that they witness this dynamic. It sucks.
We're staying at their place for three nights before Falcon Ridge, and we've only just arrived. They're still making their way back from Ohio (the weeklong family vacation that we just wrapped up with everyone else), and I already kind of regret asking to stay with them. It's just tense. I've already gotten multiple lectures from both my brother and sister-in-law (who is normally 100% JustYes) about being careful with their sheets. I brought my own fucking sheets and they still say "be careful!" every other word. I'm thirty-five years old.
Last complaint to air, then I'm going to move on to trying to think about things that don't make me cry: my family makes fun of my multiple marriages all the time. That feels AWESOME.
Every time they make jokes about it, they make jokes about me getting out of one relationship where I was physically and sexually assaulted EVERY GODDAMN DAY and another where I was gaslit and psychologically tortured for most of a decade. It's not easy to NOT be insecure about being on husband #3 in my 30's, but it's not like I wasn't going to marry Toby. He's actually really awesome! But making jokes about it picks at multiple scabs at once. I'm really hurting from it now.
I love my family but it damages me to spend time with them.
My brother has been there for me bigtime through some of the hardest shit I've gone through as an adult, and I wouldn't be a Realtor if it weren't for his pushing. I wouldn't have come out the other side of my divorce as strong as I did were it not for his encouragement. So I know he's capable of being an awesome big brother. But most of the time he just really hurts my feelings, by treating me as if he believes I'm some piece of shit asshole.
A few years ago, my purple hair stained their sheets when I stayed here. I apologized and offered to replace them. They insisted that I not do so, but continue to hold that incident over me as an example of how careless and disrespectful I am. I didn't realize it would stain, it was a new dye at the time, others had not stained, and I did my best to make it right. He preferred to hold my fuckup over me instead of letting me make amends.
In order to have any relationship with my brother, I have to stop expecting him to apologize for being shitty. I have to put it behind me and move on. Earlier this week, we were planning a day on the lake in a boat. He was stressing over plans and asked the family why he was the only one who seemed to care about planning.
Then he looked at me and said "I know YOU don't care; you're just going to complain about everything no matter what."
I said "That's a real dickish thing to say."
Him: "I admit it was dickish."
Me: "Would you like to apologize for it, then?"
Him: silence.
I wish I had the courage to say to him how much his treatment hurts me. This is one small example of a lifetime of him projecting shitty behavior on me. He presupposes I'm going to be an asshole about things, and then treats me like I already have been. I can't win that game.
When my whole family is together, they're all like this. It's like they forget I'm not the baby anymore. When it's just me and one brother, we're more like peers. But the family dynamic makes things kind of awful, to the point that I have a hard time enjoying family stuff anymore. Which sucks. I love my family like crazy.
I adore my nieces and they adore me, but I hate that they witness this dynamic. It sucks.
We're staying at their place for three nights before Falcon Ridge, and we've only just arrived. They're still making their way back from Ohio (the weeklong family vacation that we just wrapped up with everyone else), and I already kind of regret asking to stay with them. It's just tense. I've already gotten multiple lectures from both my brother and sister-in-law (who is normally 100% JustYes) about being careful with their sheets. I brought my own fucking sheets and they still say "be careful!" every other word. I'm thirty-five years old.
Last complaint to air, then I'm going to move on to trying to think about things that don't make me cry: my family makes fun of my multiple marriages all the time. That feels AWESOME.
Every time they make jokes about it, they make jokes about me getting out of one relationship where I was physically and sexually assaulted EVERY GODDAMN DAY and another where I was gaslit and psychologically tortured for most of a decade. It's not easy to NOT be insecure about being on husband #3 in my 30's, but it's not like I wasn't going to marry Toby. He's actually really awesome! But making jokes about it picks at multiple scabs at once. I'm really hurting from it now.
I love my family but it damages me to spend time with them.
