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Mar. 17th, 2005 08:49 amSleeping last night was difficult. I kept waking up and thinking about what's going on at work and being really upset. The thing is, I was really hurt, but now I'm just really mad. I still don't want to go into detail, but I will say that the people I've spoken with at work totally understand my POV and do not fault me for being angry. In fact, a couple of them encouraged me to be angry instead of trying to take blame (I really shouldn't, but tried going that route as a peace offering) because I've done everything in my power and then some to correct the situation and I don't even owe any apologies. I hate drama so much. It is easier on me to be angry than continue feeling hurt, but I don't want to act on my anger, either. I just want everything to quiet down, whether or not that means a big rift between me and someone else. I just want to go into work and not have to confront the situation. I'm going to have to explain this, aren't I?
Okay, with the barest detail possible. Basically, a while ago, I said something harmless that was misunderstood. Rather than ask me to explain, the person I said it to became very angry. I just found out yesterday why this person has been so unfriendly to me. I tried to approach this person and apologize/explain the misunderstanding, but s/he refused to listen to me and told me that s/he did not believe I was sorry. However, all along, it's been completely obvious that I had no idea these words hurt this other person, and if the other person knew what I meant instead of twisting what I said, s/he would have NO REASON to be upset. It took a lot of courage for me to approach this person at all, because I would NEVER say anything so cruel as what s/he thought I did, and the fact that s/he thought I even would say that is really hurtful, and I didn't want to revisit the situation at all. Confrontation, even peacemaking, is really, really difficult for me, because I go out of my way not to put myself in situations where peacemaking will later be required! But anyway I stepped up and apologized, and the other person didn't even let me get as far as "but it was a misunderstanding..." to explain what I really said. The others at work tried talking to this person and explaining how upset I was and truly boggled over the situation. My manager said that the other person understands that I must be sorry (since I was crying all night in the back room) but it will take some time for him/her to get over what was said. This other person still does not understand that what s/he thought I said is not what I said or even close to what I meant. If s/he did know what I actually said/meant, s/he could not possibly be mad about it because it was just normal, harmless conversation.
Anyway, now I am really mad, because I put myself out on a very uncomfortable limb, and a person I thought was my friend rejected my apology. The person I thought knew I was their friend actually thinks I said something totally cruel to their face. Why would I do that?! I can't even say something mean to people I actually hate. Even if I do it in my journal, I'll make it friends only so that person never has any chance of knowing I dislike them! Everyone says there's not much more I can do but give it time and the other person will come around, but now I'm soured on our friendship anyway. I don't want to be friends with someone who would be so unfair and untrusting, and who would hurt me so much when I try to make things better. And I still have to work with this person quite a bit. I can avoid him/her, but it shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be so uncomfortable. So I'm pretty much done crying over it (maybe), but now I'm really pissed and I don't think things will ever really be the same.
I am happy that I have so many other great friends who would never put me in this situation. Who, even if I offended, would sincerely accept my apology because they value my friendship. Who would sincerely believe that I never meant to offend, and would give me the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong, which they know they wouldn't be because they know I'm their friend, and they know what it means to be a friend. I just wish you were the ones that worked with me and saw me every day instead of the psuedo-friends that do.
Thanks for listening. I will graciously accept messages of support at this time.
Peace.
Okay, with the barest detail possible. Basically, a while ago, I said something harmless that was misunderstood. Rather than ask me to explain, the person I said it to became very angry. I just found out yesterday why this person has been so unfriendly to me. I tried to approach this person and apologize/explain the misunderstanding, but s/he refused to listen to me and told me that s/he did not believe I was sorry. However, all along, it's been completely obvious that I had no idea these words hurt this other person, and if the other person knew what I meant instead of twisting what I said, s/he would have NO REASON to be upset. It took a lot of courage for me to approach this person at all, because I would NEVER say anything so cruel as what s/he thought I did, and the fact that s/he thought I even would say that is really hurtful, and I didn't want to revisit the situation at all. Confrontation, even peacemaking, is really, really difficult for me, because I go out of my way not to put myself in situations where peacemaking will later be required! But anyway I stepped up and apologized, and the other person didn't even let me get as far as "but it was a misunderstanding..." to explain what I really said. The others at work tried talking to this person and explaining how upset I was and truly boggled over the situation. My manager said that the other person understands that I must be sorry (since I was crying all night in the back room) but it will take some time for him/her to get over what was said. This other person still does not understand that what s/he thought I said is not what I said or even close to what I meant. If s/he did know what I actually said/meant, s/he could not possibly be mad about it because it was just normal, harmless conversation.
Anyway, now I am really mad, because I put myself out on a very uncomfortable limb, and a person I thought was my friend rejected my apology. The person I thought knew I was their friend actually thinks I said something totally cruel to their face. Why would I do that?! I can't even say something mean to people I actually hate. Even if I do it in my journal, I'll make it friends only so that person never has any chance of knowing I dislike them! Everyone says there's not much more I can do but give it time and the other person will come around, but now I'm soured on our friendship anyway. I don't want to be friends with someone who would be so unfair and untrusting, and who would hurt me so much when I try to make things better. And I still have to work with this person quite a bit. I can avoid him/her, but it shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't be so uncomfortable. So I'm pretty much done crying over it (maybe), but now I'm really pissed and I don't think things will ever really be the same.
I am happy that I have so many other great friends who would never put me in this situation. Who, even if I offended, would sincerely accept my apology because they value my friendship. Who would sincerely believe that I never meant to offend, and would give me the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong, which they know they wouldn't be because they know I'm their friend, and they know what it means to be a friend. I just wish you were the ones that worked with me and saw me every day instead of the psuedo-friends that do.
Thanks for listening. I will graciously accept messages of support at this time.
Peace.
