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Because of our flight delay, we got in at 3am. I went straight to bed and didn't retrieve my luggage from the car. I've spent most of the day in bed sick. It's been about 48 hours since I last took my Prozac. This stuff is supposed to be kind of a slow release thing -- I think they say it takes 6 weeks to fully metabolize or something? Dunno, not looking it up. But I can feel the difference when I miss one dose. Some days I take an extra pill because I know I'm going to need it, and the immediate effects are helpful. I know a lot of why I feel the way I feel today (emotionally) is because I've missed this dose. And I could make it better by going outside and digging through my suitcase and taking a couple of pills. Which I will do. But I wanted to write down this observation first, because I think it's important to be honest about this disease.
I've been suicidal today.
I'm really, really angry at Z for being gone all day, and the thought that keeps coming back around is "won't he be sorry if he gets here and I've died."
I used to have thoughts like this all the time. If I was ever angry at someone, I would plot a revenge suicide, crafting scathing letters in my head that would haunt them forever. I'm better now. I know that's fucked up. I won't do it. Missing one dose of Prozac won't push me over the edge -- before I was on Prozac at all, I never acted on these thoughts -- I just had them all the time. And now, one day sans medication, the thoughts are back.
Yes, I promise I will discuss this with my therapist.
I had a text exchange with Z where I sent him a bunch of passive aggressive messages asking where he was and what he was doing and expressing my discontent that he was not making me a priority when I was home sick. He responded that he wasn't texting during dinner with his folks because he didn't want to be rude. The thought that comes to mind (and I KNOW this is my depression taking over) is FFS, I'm ill here. It could be something serious. I could be really reaching out for help and he's just ignoring me. Okay, yeah, if it was really an emergency I would call. But still, who is going to think he's rude for checking in on me while he's away? It pisses me off that he ignored me to not be rude, when he takes calls and texts all the time when we're out together. It would serve him right if something did happen. Then he'd be sorry he didn't respond to me, wasn't here.
This is my brain without medication. This is how I used to think all the time. Proving my point by the most drastic of (hypothetical) measures.
I won't hurt myself. I'm not as far out on the ledge as I once was, as I would be without any medication in my system. I just think it's worth noting that this is what happens to a depressed brain that was functioning beautifully just days prior. I'm going to take my pills now, and I will be fine soon.
I've been suicidal today.
I'm really, really angry at Z for being gone all day, and the thought that keeps coming back around is "won't he be sorry if he gets here and I've died."
I used to have thoughts like this all the time. If I was ever angry at someone, I would plot a revenge suicide, crafting scathing letters in my head that would haunt them forever. I'm better now. I know that's fucked up. I won't do it. Missing one dose of Prozac won't push me over the edge -- before I was on Prozac at all, I never acted on these thoughts -- I just had them all the time. And now, one day sans medication, the thoughts are back.
Yes, I promise I will discuss this with my therapist.
I had a text exchange with Z where I sent him a bunch of passive aggressive messages asking where he was and what he was doing and expressing my discontent that he was not making me a priority when I was home sick. He responded that he wasn't texting during dinner with his folks because he didn't want to be rude. The thought that comes to mind (and I KNOW this is my depression taking over) is FFS, I'm ill here. It could be something serious. I could be really reaching out for help and he's just ignoring me. Okay, yeah, if it was really an emergency I would call. But still, who is going to think he's rude for checking in on me while he's away? It pisses me off that he ignored me to not be rude, when he takes calls and texts all the time when we're out together. It would serve him right if something did happen. Then he'd be sorry he didn't respond to me, wasn't here.
This is my brain without medication. This is how I used to think all the time. Proving my point by the most drastic of (hypothetical) measures.
I won't hurt myself. I'm not as far out on the ledge as I once was, as I would be without any medication in my system. I just think it's worth noting that this is what happens to a depressed brain that was functioning beautifully just days prior. I'm going to take my pills now, and I will be fine soon.
