And there was much rejoicing!

The other insurance company accepted liability this morning for my accident! I was in the process of gathering information to prove my car's value and take it to small claims, because the indications were that they were not going to accept full liability without a fight. But they did and it is a HUGE load off. HUGE. I feel so much better just knowing that it's taken care of and I don't have to fight for myself anymore. Moving forward now.

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Just because I'm not a parent, that doesn't mean I don't get to post pictures of kids all the time. Here's the first day of school pic of Frankie and Bess -- Frankie starting 1st grade, and Bess starting pre-school.

I love these girls very much, even though Frankie wears socks with her KEENs. Bess looks like such a little grownup, too. Earlier today, I was eating grapes, and I had a flashback to a silly little memory from Frankie's 2nd birthday party. She was just getting a handle on language, and she was really into announcing everything she did. It was also right after the song "Jizz in my Pants" came out. This becomes relevent momentarily.

So I'm hanging with Frankie and she goes "Meg! I just ate a grape!" and I couldn't help but sing (in my head) "...and I jizzed in my pants." And today I was eating grapes and it reminded me of that and I know, good story, bro, but the thing is, that memory feels fresh. But it was Frankie's 2nd birthday. That was 4.5 years ago! Bess didn't even exist then! When it feels like a day is just dragging, the weekend will never come, and that thing you've been looking forward to forever is still so far away, think about how quickly babies become kids and kids become teenagers and wow.

I was holding Sloane on Sunday and thinking I couldn't even remember when Jack was that small. But he was, once upon a time. And she won't be for long. Friends who just had babies are somehow posting first day of school pics of their kids, too. Seriously, where did the time go? 

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A friend of mine posted "RIP Joan Rivers" on Facebook. I commented "Hey, she died doing what she loved -- getting plastic surgery." Apparently it wasn't plastic surgery, or whatever, let's just leave the "plastic" part out. Anyway...people aren't loving my comment. In my opinion, it's exactly the kind of joke she would've made. An homage, right? Whatever. People don't get me.

McKenzie and I finalized our lists of what we want in a partner. We have therapy tomorrow (online, since he's in Memphis), so we decided to share our lists with each other tonight. We sorted them by "mandatory," "strongly preferred," and "wanted." Under "wanted," he put lots of things, one of which was "not a vegetarian." I was really hurt to read that. I mean I get he would be more fulfilled if he could share his favorite foods with his partner, or if his partner would prepare his favorite foods, and he's entitled to want what he wants, but it hurts my feelings a lot that this is something he cares about. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years. I'm not an asshole about it and I don't care what anyone around me eats (as long as it's not bananas. Keep those disgusting things far, far away from me.), but even though I'm not shouting it from the rooftop or proseletyzing vegetarianism, it's still very important to me that I am a vegetarian. On the one hand, I feel like it shouldn't matter. Then I also feel like he took this characteristic that is neutral at worst, that I hold dear and value in myself, and said "I don't want that." I know it's not something to get too upset about, and I am capable of seeing the big picture here and recognizing that this doesn't really register. But it still hurt. I do feel like I match all of his mandatory qualities and most of his others. Notable exceptions are that I'm not tidy, I'm not particularly sexually adventurous, and I don't cook. I can certainly see how these qualities would be dealbreakers for a lot of people, and I don't want to be with those people, so I was pleased to see that I basically measured up. But McKenzie said that doing this exercise "taught him a lot about himself," and every time he says that, it seems to be code for "made me realize I don't want to be married to you." He says that's not it, but he hasn't learned so much that he's found a way to be happy and want me, either. I often feel like the more work we do on our relationship, the more comfortable he gets with the idea of breaking up, whereas I was ready for that months ago, but now I'm investing myself deeper each day. I told him that it feels like I'm being set up for a tremendous and devastating heartbreak. I know he's not doing that to me on purpose, but I'm deeply afraid that it is the reality of our situation anyway. I hate this so much. I wish I could have just a few moments of peace of mind, where I'm not terrified that the love of my life is going to decide he doesn't want me, or that we'll go on being perpetually unhappy because we can't pull the plug, or I'm afraid of every emotion that comes because everything is just bursting and pulling me in conflicting directions and I JUST WANT A BREAK FROM FEELING THIS WAY ALL THE TIME.

No, that's not true. I don't ever want to feel this way again, ever. I need more than a break. But right now, I will accept a break. A few moments of conscious thought that are not laced with worry and fear.

I want to shake some sense into McKenzie. The person that meets all the criteria on his list does not exist. (He does know this.) If it's just a matter of accounting, he can look at his spreadsheet and do the math and see that I'm about 90% of his dream girl. And I want to be poly so it's not like I'm telling him he can't have the other 10%, either. Or another 90% girl. Or whatever. But I know that no one on this planet knows him like I do. I really doubt there exists another person whose humor and wit so closely match and complement his. It's the feature that stands out so much to me when I think about life without him. I just know there is no other human on the planet who is the same combination of smart, funny, and just the right kind of offensive. And those characteristics in McKenzie and me are a place where we are a perfect match. They don't trump everything else, but god damn, they're important, and I don't think either of us will find anything like it anywhere else. And life without that? Shit. It's depressing to even imagine. I never had it before, and it's what makes my connection to McKenzie so much deeper than any other I've ever experienced. I'm terrified of losing him. A few months ago, I knew breaking up would suck, but I was also prepared to move on. I've done so much work on everything in the relationship, though, that I'm light years removed from "prepared to move on." I'm prepared for things to change. They're changing every day. But I'm not prepared to lose my husband. I don't know that I am losing him, but it feels like it, and I'm more scared than ever.

I'll be okay. Some things are really good. There is joy in my life every day. I know it gets better. I'm putting in the work; it'll pay off one way or another. But motherfucking motherfucker, I'm exhausted.