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Depression is not what they tell you
Feb. 6th, 2015 01:04 pmWhen someone takes their own life, often people feel guilty for not reaching out, or sorry that they felt so alone, because of course they're not alone in their pain. It's true that feeling unsupported can make it hard to muster up any hope, but depression just fucking isn't that simple. It doesn't go away when someone says just the right thing.
I know I am crazy-loved. My friends and family are an AMAZING support system. I can't think of anything they could do for me that would make anything in my life easier (except, maybe, they could all buy houses). I am super duper fucking depressed and it's not for lack of love or feeling alone or not supported or even hopeless. Even though I am in the deepest depression of my life, I do have some hope for the future. It's why I go to work every day and maintain my responsibilities and friendships and all that. I expect that I need to keep working, because I do have a future. And I'm not just being around friends now because I know I'll want them more later -- I want to be around my friends now. I love my friends. My friends make me laugh and smile and feel great about myself.
But even with all that, there is still the depression.
I'm not faking it when I smile or laugh. I do feel happiness. I do believe I'm fun and loved and appreciated and valued and also just plain awesome. I know these things.
But I feel like I'm under the weight of something impossible, and I don't know when I'll ever not feel this way again. I am not going to harm myself. I can't do that to the ones I love. I know that years from now, this pain will be a distant memory and I'll delight in my time with nieces and nephews and friends and all that I do...so, don't worry about me doing something like that. I won't. But I guess if you want to worry about me generally, you can, because I'm in a bad place. I won't hurt myself, but I wouldn't mind a bolt of lightning, either, you know?
Anyway, this is what depression is like to me. It's not anyone's fault I don't feel better. I just have this disease, and there isn't really a cure.
I know I am crazy-loved. My friends and family are an AMAZING support system. I can't think of anything they could do for me that would make anything in my life easier (except, maybe, they could all buy houses). I am super duper fucking depressed and it's not for lack of love or feeling alone or not supported or even hopeless. Even though I am in the deepest depression of my life, I do have some hope for the future. It's why I go to work every day and maintain my responsibilities and friendships and all that. I expect that I need to keep working, because I do have a future. And I'm not just being around friends now because I know I'll want them more later -- I want to be around my friends now. I love my friends. My friends make me laugh and smile and feel great about myself.
But even with all that, there is still the depression.
I'm not faking it when I smile or laugh. I do feel happiness. I do believe I'm fun and loved and appreciated and valued and also just plain awesome. I know these things.
But I feel like I'm under the weight of something impossible, and I don't know when I'll ever not feel this way again. I am not going to harm myself. I can't do that to the ones I love. I know that years from now, this pain will be a distant memory and I'll delight in my time with nieces and nephews and friends and all that I do...so, don't worry about me doing something like that. I won't. But I guess if you want to worry about me generally, you can, because I'm in a bad place. I won't hurt myself, but I wouldn't mind a bolt of lightning, either, you know?
Anyway, this is what depression is like to me. It's not anyone's fault I don't feel better. I just have this disease, and there isn't really a cure.
