(no subject)

[jianantonic]

Hey. Thanks for all the support. You guys are incredible.

I'm hanging in there. I'm back in Portland now. McKenzie is in Italy. I don't know when I'll see him again, but it sounds like we will be together on Wednesday. He wants to move forward immediately with divorce proceedings. I don't, but I'm not going to try to coerce him to stay married, either. We talk frequently. It's all very sad, and a mix of kind and unkind. I am doing my best to stay kind and not engage the negative. I know he feels hurt wants me to feel that hurt, too. I do. I think I'm handling this reasonably well, but I still feel lost. I imagine I will for some time.

I'm not completely mentally healthy, but I'm so much stronger than I used to be. I can manage this. I cry a lot, and I don't want to get out of bed, but I will. I'm going out to meet Dave tonight. He gives great hugs. He understands me. I love Dave. Tomorrow I go back to work. I think that will be good.

I don't know what will happen with Z and me. I love him, but we have not been healthy together, really ever. I don't want our marriage to end, but it's time to accept that the marriage we had was a dangerous one. Dangerous to our potential happiness, our mental health...I hope that we can heal. The best case scenario for me is that we heal together. I don't think he wants that, though. I don't know. I'm just doing my best to hang in there.

Comments

[emily gercke (from livejournal.com)]

You are awesome. You'll get through this, no matter the resolution. Here for you, as always.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

<3

[sillygoosegirl.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[waitingonsunday.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're doing the best you can. I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, but I know waiting for that to happen is the hardest part. Until it does, keep your chin up.

[teefers.livejournal.com]

One door closes, another one opens. Wishing you lots of interesting, wonderful, lucrative opportunities in this new chapter of your life. <3

[flamingophoenix.livejournal.com]

One foot in front of another.

It sounds like you changed more than is usually expected over the course of a marriage - take all the self-knowledge you're getting from this stage in your life, and use it to make your future interactions more positive. Keep your focus on that, and I think you'll be okay.

Good thoughts to you.

[flamingophoenix.livejournal.com]

Here's what was percolating in my head without realizing it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70G7rywtvIg

[pee-truck.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.