jianantonic | (no subject)

I haven't written much lately. I've been busy, and other things have taken priority. I haven't been spending as much of my free time at the computer. That's a big change.

McKenzie landed in Zanzibar yesterday. I'm jealous, and I miss him, and I hope he has a really wonderful time. I will not likely hear from him again until he's back in the states in ten days, and I'll meet him in Providence for the NABC shortly after that.

I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my marriage lately. We still don't know what will happen. Not knowing is hard. I love my husband. I value our relationship. But we may not be capable of being truly happy together, and that's a tough reality with which to grapple. We both maintain hope that we actually can be happy, and we are working on it and having some great times together as we work...but it's still not definitive. We're still in limbo. It's so hard.

There is no one in the world who gets me the way that McKenzie does. I doubt there's anyone who could connect with him the way I do. These things are not replaceable with other relationships, romantic or platonic. If I lose what I have with Z, it will forever be a difficult vacancy. I don't want to lose it. I don't think he does, either. But I don't know if we can hang on, either. It's so complicated. It seems like it should be simple -- we love and like each other and want to be happy together -- so we should do it! But...it doesn't quite work like that. Shame. But for now, we keep trying.