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Nov. 28th, 2014 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicYou guys I'm so far behind on LJ. I've been so busy and overwhelmed I just haven't been online much. The good news is that I'm getting important shit done. The bad news is I'm busy and overwhelmed.
I'm at my parents' house now, which has just emptied of the Thanksgiving crowd. I fly out in a few hours to go to Providence for the fall NABC. McKenzie went to Zanzibar and then straight to Providence from there, so I haven't seen him in a few weeks. He had a great time and it was a great experience for him, but it seems our marriage is even more strained now than before he left. I'm really scared of what will happen in Providence, but I guess I'll know soon. Our relationship has been mostly cordial and kind, but without warmth, for a while now. It certainly could be worse, but the lack of warmth is pretty upsetting. We'll see if that changes and how much when we are back in each other's company tonight. Things are changing rapidly in my life, and mostly for the better, so it's not that I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, but the bottom line has been the same for too long -- we love each other, but our relationship isn't working. We've been incapable of being really happy together, but the idea of splitting up is equally (?) unbearable. It feels like a no-win. I know that in the long term, things will improve and we will find happiness one way or another, but the path to there is so very long and tiresome. And fucking scary.
It's been a nice holiday, though. I love my family and enjoy my time with them. I had some good talks with my cousins and I feel very loved. I skyped with my nieces this morning, and that always perks me up. When everyone was gone, my mom sat down with me to talk about the issues in my life. She knows a vague outline of the situation, but no details. She loves McKenzie so much, and she cried when I told her things weren't going well. I assured her that we're working on it and we continue to see our therapist, and she begged me to do whatever I can to keep him. I know she thinks that if we split up, it's my fault. He can do no wrong to her. And maybe it is my fault. But I'm doing the best that I can. I haven't always. I am now.
I told her that I want a dog. I started crying when I said it's because I really need someone in my life that loves me the way a dog does -- unconditionally and non-judgmentally. She was understanding and actually supports this idea, except that McKenzie doesn't want a dog and she doesn't want me to do anything that will upset him. So, no dog for now. But I do want one and that desire grows stronger the worse I feel in my home life. If I get a dog, guys, you'll know that shit's probably really bad. But maybe shit will get good and we'll agree that it would be nice to have a dog and then get one? I don't see this happening. But maybe. I want a dachshund.
Anyway. We also talked about real estate. How I'm moving along career-wise, but how scary it is to get going. It takes so much time and money to build up competency as an agent, and that doesn't even count what it takes to actually get clients. I'm working on it all the time, but I do feel like a lot of it is out of my control. Maybe at the bridge tournament this week, I'll talk some nice billionaires into investing in some Portland-area real estate. One can hope.
I'm at my parents' house now, which has just emptied of the Thanksgiving crowd. I fly out in a few hours to go to Providence for the fall NABC. McKenzie went to Zanzibar and then straight to Providence from there, so I haven't seen him in a few weeks. He had a great time and it was a great experience for him, but it seems our marriage is even more strained now than before he left. I'm really scared of what will happen in Providence, but I guess I'll know soon. Our relationship has been mostly cordial and kind, but without warmth, for a while now. It certainly could be worse, but the lack of warmth is pretty upsetting. We'll see if that changes and how much when we are back in each other's company tonight. Things are changing rapidly in my life, and mostly for the better, so it's not that I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, but the bottom line has been the same for too long -- we love each other, but our relationship isn't working. We've been incapable of being really happy together, but the idea of splitting up is equally (?) unbearable. It feels like a no-win. I know that in the long term, things will improve and we will find happiness one way or another, but the path to there is so very long and tiresome. And fucking scary.
It's been a nice holiday, though. I love my family and enjoy my time with them. I had some good talks with my cousins and I feel very loved. I skyped with my nieces this morning, and that always perks me up. When everyone was gone, my mom sat down with me to talk about the issues in my life. She knows a vague outline of the situation, but no details. She loves McKenzie so much, and she cried when I told her things weren't going well. I assured her that we're working on it and we continue to see our therapist, and she begged me to do whatever I can to keep him. I know she thinks that if we split up, it's my fault. He can do no wrong to her. And maybe it is my fault. But I'm doing the best that I can. I haven't always. I am now.
I told her that I want a dog. I started crying when I said it's because I really need someone in my life that loves me the way a dog does -- unconditionally and non-judgmentally. She was understanding and actually supports this idea, except that McKenzie doesn't want a dog and she doesn't want me to do anything that will upset him. So, no dog for now. But I do want one and that desire grows stronger the worse I feel in my home life. If I get a dog, guys, you'll know that shit's probably really bad. But maybe shit will get good and we'll agree that it would be nice to have a dog and then get one? I don't see this happening. But maybe. I want a dachshund.
Anyway. We also talked about real estate. How I'm moving along career-wise, but how scary it is to get going. It takes so much time and money to build up competency as an agent, and that doesn't even count what it takes to actually get clients. I'm working on it all the time, but I do feel like a lot of it is out of my control. Maybe at the bridge tournament this week, I'll talk some nice billionaires into investing in some Portland-area real estate. One can hope.
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Date: 2014-11-28 08:02 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2014-11-29 06:57 pm (UTC)