jianantonic | #ShoutYourAbortion

Back when I had my abortion, I kept a closely guarded filter on my LJ when I talked about it. I've never been ashamed of it, and it's never even been a secret, but I knew my parents and my in-laws sometimes read this thing, and it wasn't an experience I was ready to share with them. It's nearly eight years in my past now, though, and if they find out about it, then, fine.

There was a story on NPR this morning about the whole #ShoutYourAbortion movement, and I was just thinking, what is there for me to shout about? What of that experience do I want people to know? Eh, the whole ordeal of it is actually a pretty riveting story, and I wouldn't mind going through it with you over dinner sometime if you want the whole thing, but one specific memory kept coming to me today as I reflected on that NPR piece.

I opted for a medical abortion -- that is, to take a pill that forces a miscarriage -- which I actually do not recommend if you find yourself faced with that choice. It was incredibly painful and drawn-out, and in the end, it didn't completely get everything and I still needed to have a D&C procedure anyway. Which was also incredibly painful, but was very quick, and I felt immediately better when it was over. (I was only 4 weeks along when I had the procedure...it's not like it was painful because I had a huge fetus in me or something.) But I digress.

I was instructed to take the pill and then sit on the toilet for the rest of the day, basically. It was just a long series of cramping and bleeding and passing things that were too much for any maxi pad to contend with. So I was on the toilet literally all day. And it was awful. I was in pain and I felt disgusting and it felt like it would never let up. McKenzie set up a chair and a table in the bathroom and played cards with me all day. And thinking back on that day, that whole experience, I'm just like, damn. What a great guy.

I mean, of course he should've been there for me. It was his stupid sperm. But it feels like playing cards all day in the bathroom is a real extra mile case. Our relationship was so fucked up in so many ways, but it was also really great. Going through abortion together was amazing, actually. We were in agreement on everything. We were both horrified when the pregnancy test was positive, and I think seeing the physical pain I went through to have the abortion gave him a lot of respect for me that he hadn't had before.

When I think about some of the best things about the bond I had with Z, the abortion experience is right up there. It was a terrible thing to go through, but it's also one of those memories that makes me feel really good about myself and about him and about the thing we had. So that's how I'm shouting my abortion.