(no subject)

[jianantonic]

Maybe I've written this before, or thought it before, but it feels like something I need to write down now as I process it.

I'm realizing more and more that what attracted me to Dan was how important he made me feel. He made me feel wanted and needed and desired. And maybe I didn't realize it at the time, but I wasn't getting that from McKenzie.

I always knew that McKenzie was attracted to me and wanted sex and touch, but I didn't (ever?) feel like he wanted ME. He was so ashamed of me in so many circumstances. He probably believes he did his best to make me feel important -- and I do give him credit for effort. The problem is that the effort was always so evident. It was obvious to me that it was WORK for him to lift me up. Because he didn't have respect for me. Some of that is my fault for blowing the respect, and some of it is unfair because after I made big changes, he still viewed me as the ticking time bomb I was before.

I've reached this conclusion a hundred different ways, but I think this is the most clearly I've seen it.

I wonder if McKenzie has realized this. I really hope he's able to see it from my perspective.

Comments

[emily gercke (from livejournal.com)]

I have a lot of thoughts about this, for you, but also for myself. I think you are so right. I can certainly relate to this. Am I signed in? It's Slye :)

[pinkhorizons.livejournal.com]

That's what I thought when I saw you two together last year in Reno, that Dan really seemed to cherish you in a way that I've not seen with any of your past relationships.

Not that I saw you and McKenzie together often enough to comment on the entirety of your relationship, but I did see a lack of respect.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

You did live with us for several months...

[pinkhorizons.livejournal.com]

Yeah... it was never anything major, but then I suppose when talking about the impact of disrespect on a relationship, it is all those small things that become the biggest thing.

I suppose what I mean is that by the time I really spent time with you two together, I didn't know what had led you to that point, you know? Had it always been that way?

I think your earlier observation of your mutual failure to engage with the other fits here too... kind of along the respect/disrespect continuum. I read an article recently that argues that is *the* thing that keeps people together or drives them apart. I think they described it as a "turning toward the other."

It's like that line from that Dar Williams song: "I don't know what you saw; I want somebody who sees me."

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Yeah I read that article, too, actually when we were still working on our marriage. I think I shared it with him, but it was too late by then.

[istar.livejournal.com]

YEP. I observed a lack of respectful behavior from McKenzie toward Meg.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Wow...really validating/surprising to see that you all saw this. Granted, you met McKenzie as our relationship was on its very last legs. But still.