Leaving Charlottesville; Going Home
Nov. 30th, 2016 12:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI've been having a somewhat prolonged cry this morning. It started when I opened the dresser drawer in my old bedroom to stash some things for when I'm here over Xmas, and I found my doll, Dear Baby. Mom had put her in there to keep the kids from playing with her at Thanksgiving, because they can be rough and she's a very special doll to me. I slept with her every night until I was into high school. Something about seeing her in that drawer just made me ache, and I picked her up and held her and just cried, for I don't know what. My parents had already left for various obligations, so Toby and I were here packing up on our own. Crying led to more crying and I just haven't stopped for about an hour.
I'm thinking about my parents, and how much I love them and all that they mean to me, and it reminds me of a story my mom told me once. She was 28 years old, driving home from work or some errand, and she got to thinking about her dad and how much he meant to her. She was so overcome with emotion that she had to pull over to collect herself. When she arrived home, my dad gave her the news that her dad had passed away. And that story has really affected me. Every time I think about my parents, I wonder if I'm having the same kind of psychic experience my mom had when her dad died, and I just worry so hard. I kind of wish my mom hadn't ever told me that story.
I know they'll be gone one day whether I worry about it or not, and worrying only makes the present worse, but it's hard to logic one's way out of emotions. Thinking about how hard it will be is itself very hard.
Toby and I are off shortly, arriving in Portland late this evening. He'll go to C's house since he hasn't seen her in a while, so I'll have the next two nights on my own. I have some real estate work to do, and I have a kitten to pick up tomorrow morning. I won't be achingly lonely, but it does feel like having these fears is exacerbated by knowing I'll be alone tonight. I don't have feelings of jealousy toward C, or wish he wouldn't spend time with her when he does; I just always prefer to be with him than not. It's really nice to like someone that powerfully and positively.
I'm thinking about my parents, and how much I love them and all that they mean to me, and it reminds me of a story my mom told me once. She was 28 years old, driving home from work or some errand, and she got to thinking about her dad and how much he meant to her. She was so overcome with emotion that she had to pull over to collect herself. When she arrived home, my dad gave her the news that her dad had passed away. And that story has really affected me. Every time I think about my parents, I wonder if I'm having the same kind of psychic experience my mom had when her dad died, and I just worry so hard. I kind of wish my mom hadn't ever told me that story.
I know they'll be gone one day whether I worry about it or not, and worrying only makes the present worse, but it's hard to logic one's way out of emotions. Thinking about how hard it will be is itself very hard.
Toby and I are off shortly, arriving in Portland late this evening. He'll go to C's house since he hasn't seen her in a while, so I'll have the next two nights on my own. I have some real estate work to do, and I have a kitten to pick up tomorrow morning. I won't be achingly lonely, but it does feel like having these fears is exacerbated by knowing I'll be alone tonight. I don't have feelings of jealousy toward C, or wish he wouldn't spend time with her when he does; I just always prefer to be with him than not. It's really nice to like someone that powerfully and positively.
