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You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Of course I am.

Strange thoughts

Quite like everyone else, I think my life is really weird. Emily gave me an Ani Difranco CD - thanks! - and the lyrics are making me really think about a lot of things. Nothing bad or good, just new ways to consider things. For one, I am about to get married. I know I am ready, and I am all kinds of excited about it, yet looking back, I doubt that any of my previous relationships were very mature. I have lots of "exes," but if you were to tell me to think about my ex, the only one that comes to mind is the one from longest ago. When I dated Stephen and Nathan I was so enamored with each of them and I wanted very much for them to be the last man that I was ever enamored with...and yet I was able to get over them each quite quickly and return to the realm of "just friends." I guess there are a few reasons Rafal is the only person who comes to mind when I consider an ex. One would be simply that I was with him for so long. The other would be that all of the others who qualify as exes are more friends than exes. Dave? He's my friend. Stephen and I have at least been cordial in passing since our breakup. Nathan's a pal, etc. I never have been friends with Rafal. And that's weird. We were crazy enough about each other to want to be together for so long, but as soon as that ended, we didn't even like each other. I mean I know why, and I honestly think we were both pretty unhappy together most of the time anyway, but it's still weird. So I listen to angry chickrock, and the only person I associate with the songs about exes would be a guy I haven't even seen in four years. It's too bad that the person who was at the center of my life for almost all of high school won't be coming to my wedding.

And that makes me think of Mitch. We were like peas in a pod freshman year. I loved hanging out with him. I didn't agree with him on a lot of things, but that didn't mean we had to have arguments about them. We respected each other's beliefs because we each knew the other had considered his or her opinions. That allowed some great conversation, and it kept me from being lonely during the only major period in my life when I wasn't with a guy. And then Jen came, we didn't exactly hit it off, and suddenly Mitch and I just stop talking. I don't blame him for choosing his fiance over a friend, I just wish that Mitch and I could've still hung out even though he loves his girlfriend and I...don't. I actually had a dream last night that I ran into Jen at some place I was living in my dream, and I decided that since she was going to be around, we should be friends, and I took her out for lunch and it was uncomfortable but we made up. I don't forsee anything like that ever happening though. I just don't think we're meant to be friends. We clash. I'm not saying that she's a bad person who doesn't deserve friends, because she seemed to have mostly good intentions, but I have a hard time seeing her good qualities over her bad ones. Unlike Mitch and I, Jen and I could not respect each other's differences so well. I don't like her. I don't wish bad upon her, though. I do wish she didn't exist at all. Then, hopefully, I'd still be great friends with Mitch, and he would've found a girl that would make him just as happy and probably less unhappy. I don't know how they've been doing since she moved out of my room last year, but I know that she was pretty shitty to him at times before that. Anyway I hope that's stopped, because regardless of how I feel about her, Mitch deserves to be happy. I have a class with him this semester. I was kind of disappointed but not surprised that he didn't sit with me. He did congratulate me on my engagement. Other than that, we haven't interacted much in a year. It's sad. But it's hard for me to attempt friendship with him when he knows I don't like the person he loves the most. I wonder how he feels about it. I don't want to ask, though.

There's one other person from my past that I wonder about. Doug May. I still see him, but I never talk to him. I know he must hate me. I treated him like shit. I warned him I would...but bless his heart, he thought I was nice enough not to fuck him over in the end. He really was a sweet, sweet guy. The surrounding situation with him was weird, though. I mean I liked him, but I was still reeling after Stephen dumped me and Jimmie played me and I wanted to be in the driver's seat for once - and that meant no attachment. On top of that, I knew Wayne wanted me, and I was starting to see a chance with this idyllic god of a man, Nathan Roth. If Nathan hadn't been in the picture, I may have actually tried for something serious with Doug, or I may have let Wayne kiss me and see what happened after that...things could have happened a lot of different ways that month. In the end, I had fun, but I feel terrible for hurting Doug, because he was so nice. I'm sorry he doesn't talk to me now. I don't feel like I really toyed with Wayne or anything, but I do think that certain friends in our circle made it worse by pointing out every last time I so much as looked at him. And even though my "relationship" with Nathan was very one-sided, it was really good for me. It got me up to New England and it really brought out the hippie in me like never before. But because of the path that I took, I hurt some people going for what I wanted, and I don't know if we would've been friends still if I hadn't.

But now there's Jeremy. We were brought together by a good friend. Friends know best. From within the deep security of my current permanent relationship, I can examine the past without wanting to crawl back to it and try again. Honestly, things worked out great for me, but I know they could've been better for everyone else, so I feel bad about all that and I wonder what others think, if they think of me at all anymore.

I'm not saying I need to talk to any of the aforementioned individuals for any reason, but I wrote this long thing because I know that some of those people might read it. It's not a private journal. So hopefully, Mitch will know I never really wanted to stop being friends with him, and Wayne will know I did want to give him a chance, and Doug will know that I think he's great, even though I treated him worse than he deserved, and Rafal will know that he can talk to me if he wants to because I think that might be good, and I will read all of my regrets and know that even though I'm sorry, I'm in a good place now and I am going to love my future.

another random survey to keep me away from my work

Do you drink [alcohol]?: only occasionally and never in excess
Do you party a lot? How often?: about as much as a ninety year old man (but a ninety year old man who has a lot of fun)
Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: i only wish i had the guts;) but no, and i never will
How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: i hope not as much as the average american
Do you skip classes? How often?: if i'm sick or trying to finish up an assignment, i have been known to miss class...
Do you have casual sex? Protected?: always protected, always with Jeremy
Do you steal?: only kisses
Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: no...well sometimes i wear sweats to parties. does that count?
Do you drool over some celebrities?: i have been known in the past to do this...but now i am a grownup. i drool over things like chocolate.
Do you watch a lot of TV?: i try not to, but i have my guilty pleasures
Do you ever watch the News?: i read a lot of different periodicals
Do you even care about world issues?: do i EVEN care? yes i even care, I care quite a bit
Do you read books often?: for class, yes, but that's about the extent of it.
Are you failing a lot of your classes?: what an appropriate question. no.
Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: i wish! i have friends at work though
Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: malls or 7-11s, interesting concept. no and no.
Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: not so much
Do you cuss a lot?: fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. no, never.
Are you desperate to fit in?: if i fit in here, it would mean i'd have to be a jesus freak (that knows nothing about jesus) and a republican. a resounding no.
Are you intelligent?: if i said "yes," that would automatically mean "no." that is not for me to decide.
{The Goth Stereotype}

Black lipstick?: no.
Black eyeliner?: no.
Black eyeshadow?: I can make this really easy. I don't wear any makeup, ever. except lip gloss. that's different.
Black trenchcoat?: no.
Black boots?: yes, they are my street corner boots and i love them
Black fishnets?: from time to time.
Black nail polish? no
Cigarettes?: I'm assuming the questions here are "do you use..." anyhow the answer is no.
Heavy metal music?: i did a lot in high school. now only on rare occasions.
Marilyn Manson?: back in the day...but not anymore
Kittie?: no
Cradle of Filth?: I'm starting to run into things i've never heard of
Constant frown and perpetual angst?: no no
How do you like to be seen as?: me. and the meg stereotype is the only one i want to fit
Are you an intellectual?: getting repetitive, are we?
An atheist?: on occasions, but usually not
Horrible home life?: no it's great
Hopelessly depressed?: depressed, but not hopelessly:)
Suffering with suicidal idealations?: yes, please have me committed now.
Self-mutilation?: no, too much of a wuss, and oh yeah, not interested.

{The Punk Stereotype}

Plaid?: yeah it's hot
Big black boots?: i thought this was goth? well yeah i do.
Mohawk?: no but i once knew a guy with one...
Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: i have seven...is that excessive? six in the ears and one in the tongue
Loud, confident and opinionated?: yes, indeed i am. that's punk?
Wild hair colors?: my hair is black, which is normally a bit wild for a girl like me, but it's my natural color.
NOFX?: hmm?
Rancid?: no, i smell fine
Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: the ones that matter, yes
Wanna be punk rawker?! not in the least

{The Jock Sterotype}

What's your IQ?: 175ish last time i checked.
Do you watch a lot of sports?: usually.
Play a lot of sports?: yes sir, now put on your helmets and slap my ass!
Talk a lot about sports?: jeremy doesn't like it so i'm trying to cut back...but i sure do.
Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: yes, like right now i am thinking of a ukelele.
Are you arrogant?: only inside my head, not out loud
Are you a male or female whore?: i am a female, i am not a whore.
Are you homophobic?: no, but i'm homophobophobic.
Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: no, that just makes a person seem stupid
But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: but really, no.
Boobs = yes?: does that mean i have boobs or i want boobs? whatever man, i dig tits alright.
Parties = yes?: seeing as how there's a party going on in the living room and i'm not out there, i'd have to say false.
Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: that was my lifelong dream as a kid, but i fucked it all up by going to college and graduating with honors!

{This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]}

Originality or Acceptance?: be original and hope for acceptance
Independence or Companionship?: i have a weak spot for companions:)
Stability or Freedom?: both
Personal or Interpersonal?: interpersonal.
Introvert or Extrovert?: extrovert
Popularity or Isolation?: i don't strive for either.
Unique or Loved?: these should go hand in hand, really
Understood or Individual?: individual...but hopefully someday i'll be understood
{The Girl Stereotype}

Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: ha. no
Have you ever been on a diet?: not technically
How much did you lose?: this question does not apply
Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: what? no.
Make yourself throw up?: that would be an eating disorder, wouldn't it?
Make-up?: negative
Low-cut tops?: ew, no.
Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: yeah, like, totally! uh...this survey is pretty dumb. and yet i continue.
Giggle a lot?: not so much.
What's the deal with boys?: what's the deal with this survey?
Thongs?: hahaha butt floss. generally skanky and nonfun.
Pretty bras?: sports bras. they can be pretty.
YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: Time, Adbusters, Washington Post?
Who's the weaker sex?: chicks. definitely chicks.
Are you a feminist?: i'm an egalitarian.
Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: not anymore.
How often do you shave your legs? not since last summer.
How about your armpits?: when they start to itch
Are you emotional?: yes i am.
Especially when on your period?: maybe I am. fuck you.

that was dumb but i was bored so there you have it. sorry it takes up so much space, i don't know how to do the link thingy.