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The Fish Tank Situation
Jan. 6th, 2015 06:52 pmI bought my fish tank 2.5 years ago, after at least another 2.5 years spent talking about how I was going to get one. Most parts of it sat in the trunk of my car for several months. I eventually brought them inside (probably because McKenzie needed the trunk space rather than because I had a plan for it all), and then all the pieces sat in the corner of my breakfast nook for another really long time.
The fish tank became a symbol of frustration, a metaphor for all the ways I've tried and then stopped trying in so many aspects of my life. Big ideas, often accompanied by big expenses, and then...stagnation or failure. This is definitely a pattern for me. Nearly every hobby I've ever had has been something I worked hard at and enjoyed thoroughly for the first month or so -- long enough to want to sink a lot of time and money into it -- and then it's something that sort of got cast aside. I like to believe that I still do all those things, but the truth is it's been a year since I played my clarinet, several years since I touched my knitting or crochet needles, and even though I've got enough supplies to accessorize the entire city of Portland, my jewelry-making output has dwindled to approximately one item every month.
This pattern, of course, frustrates my husband. Partly because it all costs money, partly because all the stuff I get takes up space and then remains here to clutter, because I am incapable of admitting that no, I'm not ever really going to be that kind of craftswoman or whatever thing it is I once envisioned myself being. I still believe somewhere inside me that one day, I will do all these things. I will at least come back to some of them, if not all, right? Right. Then the real reason this pattern frustrates my husband (and me) is that it makes it really hard to believe any changes in my life will stick. Sure I'm acting like a better wife, but is this just another fish tank situation, where I've put a lot of effort into it for now, but I'll eventually run out of momentum for it and being a good wife will be another one of those hobbies I discard? I got my real estate license, and I go to the meetings and do the work, but will it stick? I want it to. But I wanted all those other things to stick, too. And more than any of the other hobbies, I've been steadfast in my love for seahorses and desire to own them. And if I can't move forward on that...
So I'm moving forward. But it remains an appropriate metaphor. I got it assembled a few months ago. It only took me a few weeks from that point to put water in it. But then it leaked. I had to turn off the mechanisms pumping the water and drain the sump so as not to flood my house. Then I couldn't get the sump out to fix the leak. I was supposed to take it into the store, but the part that connects it is pushed up against my wall and I can't get to it with 55 gallons of very heavy water anchoring it in place. So I sat, paralyzed, for another couple of months, doing nothing, but stating my intentions to do something. Finally I went to the store and told them I can't get the sump out, what can I do? They told me how to fix it on my own, and it took me another couple of weeks before I attempted that repair. I finally got around to it, but I didn't trust myself to put everything back together after attempting to dismantle the guts of the tank some weeks prior.
Finally I found some confidence one day and just did it. I put the pieces back together and turned the filter back on. I quickly turned it off when it made loud grinding noises at me. I needed to put water back in the sump before I tried to filter, otherwise it's just gasping for something that isn't there. I took a sample of my water back to the store to see if it was ready for fish, even though it had been sitting without going through the filter for two months. Turns out the salinity was way too high, probably because so much water had evaporated. I was told to top it off with fresh water. It took me another week to get my shit together enough to go get said fresh water (I get it from the store, not just from the tap...tap water has too much shit going on), but I got it today. Getting it into the tank from the jugs I have is a challenge. I am going to need to learn how to transfer water more efficiently. The top of my tank should lift off to provide access, but it's at least a two-person job, and I'm just here by my onesie right now. So the solution I came up with was to pour the water from the 60-pound jugs into cups, one little tiny cup at a time, and pour the cup into the tank from the top. Anyway, it took me more than an hour and a lot of spilling on the floor, but I got the water level back to normal in the tank. The filter is running. I am a little concerned because nothing is coming out of the tank yet to go back into the sump, but I'm going to assume that's because the sump is full (I poured one jug directly into the sump, because it's underneath the tank and somewhat accessible, but not large enough for all the water I had to add back). As far as I can tell, everything is in working order -- there's no water spilling or leaking anywhere (knock on wood), so I'll let it do its thing for a few hours and see if it looks like the water is actually moving through the filter. I'm about 90% certain that everything is as it should be, but I don't have much confidence in myself, and if it goes awry, it could be a huge fucking problem that I don't know how to fix, so I can't call it good yet.
Assuming everything continues to appear to function, I will add fish next week. I think it will take a few days for the water to cycle through and for the salinity to get back to a level that the fish can handle, and for the temperature to level out since I just turned the light back on for the first time in a while and added so much new water, too. So the goal is the weekend or next week for my first fish. I may see if I can get someone from the store to actually come to my house and check on the setup for me, but that may not be possible since the store is in NE Portland and I live in a far SW suburb. But maybe?
Anyway, the point of all this is to say that even though I've really stepped up my effort to get the fish tank going FOR REAL, there's still so much more to it than just getting over my lack of confidence and paralysis. There are legit speedbumps, and then those speedbumps take away confidence, and even though I know what I need to do or should do or should get help doing, I just put it off because it's too overwhelming...but I am making progress. I am going to have some motherfucking fish in this motherfucker before the month is out. And hopefully they'll live a normal fishy lifespan under my care. And I'll learn as I go, as I do with all things.
So, yeah, a pretty appropriate metaphor for my marriage, my career, my life.
The fish tank became a symbol of frustration, a metaphor for all the ways I've tried and then stopped trying in so many aspects of my life. Big ideas, often accompanied by big expenses, and then...stagnation or failure. This is definitely a pattern for me. Nearly every hobby I've ever had has been something I worked hard at and enjoyed thoroughly for the first month or so -- long enough to want to sink a lot of time and money into it -- and then it's something that sort of got cast aside. I like to believe that I still do all those things, but the truth is it's been a year since I played my clarinet, several years since I touched my knitting or crochet needles, and even though I've got enough supplies to accessorize the entire city of Portland, my jewelry-making output has dwindled to approximately one item every month.
This pattern, of course, frustrates my husband. Partly because it all costs money, partly because all the stuff I get takes up space and then remains here to clutter, because I am incapable of admitting that no, I'm not ever really going to be that kind of craftswoman or whatever thing it is I once envisioned myself being. I still believe somewhere inside me that one day, I will do all these things. I will at least come back to some of them, if not all, right? Right. Then the real reason this pattern frustrates my husband (and me) is that it makes it really hard to believe any changes in my life will stick. Sure I'm acting like a better wife, but is this just another fish tank situation, where I've put a lot of effort into it for now, but I'll eventually run out of momentum for it and being a good wife will be another one of those hobbies I discard? I got my real estate license, and I go to the meetings and do the work, but will it stick? I want it to. But I wanted all those other things to stick, too. And more than any of the other hobbies, I've been steadfast in my love for seahorses and desire to own them. And if I can't move forward on that...
So I'm moving forward. But it remains an appropriate metaphor. I got it assembled a few months ago. It only took me a few weeks from that point to put water in it. But then it leaked. I had to turn off the mechanisms pumping the water and drain the sump so as not to flood my house. Then I couldn't get the sump out to fix the leak. I was supposed to take it into the store, but the part that connects it is pushed up against my wall and I can't get to it with 55 gallons of very heavy water anchoring it in place. So I sat, paralyzed, for another couple of months, doing nothing, but stating my intentions to do something. Finally I went to the store and told them I can't get the sump out, what can I do? They told me how to fix it on my own, and it took me another couple of weeks before I attempted that repair. I finally got around to it, but I didn't trust myself to put everything back together after attempting to dismantle the guts of the tank some weeks prior.
Finally I found some confidence one day and just did it. I put the pieces back together and turned the filter back on. I quickly turned it off when it made loud grinding noises at me. I needed to put water back in the sump before I tried to filter, otherwise it's just gasping for something that isn't there. I took a sample of my water back to the store to see if it was ready for fish, even though it had been sitting without going through the filter for two months. Turns out the salinity was way too high, probably because so much water had evaporated. I was told to top it off with fresh water. It took me another week to get my shit together enough to go get said fresh water (I get it from the store, not just from the tap...tap water has too much shit going on), but I got it today. Getting it into the tank from the jugs I have is a challenge. I am going to need to learn how to transfer water more efficiently. The top of my tank should lift off to provide access, but it's at least a two-person job, and I'm just here by my onesie right now. So the solution I came up with was to pour the water from the 60-pound jugs into cups, one little tiny cup at a time, and pour the cup into the tank from the top. Anyway, it took me more than an hour and a lot of spilling on the floor, but I got the water level back to normal in the tank. The filter is running. I am a little concerned because nothing is coming out of the tank yet to go back into the sump, but I'm going to assume that's because the sump is full (I poured one jug directly into the sump, because it's underneath the tank and somewhat accessible, but not large enough for all the water I had to add back). As far as I can tell, everything is in working order -- there's no water spilling or leaking anywhere (knock on wood), so I'll let it do its thing for a few hours and see if it looks like the water is actually moving through the filter. I'm about 90% certain that everything is as it should be, but I don't have much confidence in myself, and if it goes awry, it could be a huge fucking problem that I don't know how to fix, so I can't call it good yet.
Assuming everything continues to appear to function, I will add fish next week. I think it will take a few days for the water to cycle through and for the salinity to get back to a level that the fish can handle, and for the temperature to level out since I just turned the light back on for the first time in a while and added so much new water, too. So the goal is the weekend or next week for my first fish. I may see if I can get someone from the store to actually come to my house and check on the setup for me, but that may not be possible since the store is in NE Portland and I live in a far SW suburb. But maybe?
Anyway, the point of all this is to say that even though I've really stepped up my effort to get the fish tank going FOR REAL, there's still so much more to it than just getting over my lack of confidence and paralysis. There are legit speedbumps, and then those speedbumps take away confidence, and even though I know what I need to do or should do or should get help doing, I just put it off because it's too overwhelming...but I am making progress. I am going to have some motherfucking fish in this motherfucker before the month is out. And hopefully they'll live a normal fishy lifespan under my care. And I'll learn as I go, as I do with all things.
So, yeah, a pretty appropriate metaphor for my marriage, my career, my life.
