(no subject)

[jianantonic]

I've decided I don't want to attend Sunrise anymore. I like the pastor, and the people in the congregation are very warm and welcoming, and it's certainly better than the church I grew up attending, but there are still problems that I can't get over. For example, hymns and responsive readings, and prayers led by the minister. Hymns and responsive reading (and creeds and standard prayers in high churches) are basically the congregation making affirmations that aren't their own. I was very upset today when the pastor prayed, "God, we pray that we can focus more completely on serving you, and not let other concerns take our focus from you...." Okay, some background. The sermon was on the sixth beatitude, specifically, what does it mean to be pure of heart. ("Happy are the pure of heart for they shall see God!" Mt 5:8) Basically he was saying that you have to live an ascetic life to be pure of heart - no material concerns, don't focus attention on jobs, money, family, ANYTHING that's not church/God. I have a HUGE problem with that. I want very much to focus on my friends, family, job, fun, etc. I can do this without ignoring God, but I think that life is God's gift to our souls. I believe that our souls have existed with God and will continue to exist with God for all time, and life on earth is just a brief experience for our souls, and it's a GIFT. I think it would be a terrific waste of that gift spending your whole life trying to be the way that I believe your soul exists for all the rest of time. Now, not everyone believes that same way so it's fine for them to try to be Godly and all, but what I'm saying is it's not right for ME to pray to be like that. I WANT to focus on loving Jeremy, all the good and bad that comes with it. I WANT to hurt tremendously when I lose a loved one. Maybe it makes me less pure, but I think that's what the earthly experience is all about. If we were supposed to be pure on earth, we wouldn't have free will, because even people who ACT 100% godly (not that I believe that's possible) still are faced with impure THOUGHTS, urges, temptations, etc. So this prayer at the end of the service really got me thinking. No! I don't want that. God, when he says "we," he doesn't mean me!

And that reignited my despair over hymns and recitations in church. Sure, they might be affirming to a lot of people, but I think they're BAD. I think it's just like saying the pledge of allegiance. It's making an affirmation of faith that isn't really your own. And for a lot of people, I'm afraid, they go to church, say these affirmations, and decide that they HAVE to believe that and feel the feelings that they're saying they feel when they sing a hymn or they're bad Christians. It takes the analysis out of it. For some people, it's bad to analyze, because it shakes their faith, but if your faith can't hold up to a little questioning, then it's not real faith to begin with.

So I can't attend a church that encourages such a herd mentality, even though I'm sure it's not intentional. It just hurts my heart. Jer says I can't be a pastor's wife if I feel this way. I disagree. I can easily support a pastor who runs a church without creeds and all that other crap. Sorry, liturgy, not crap. Well. Heh. And hymns and all that, too. I don't honestly think it's good for people. I take that back. It's superficially good for a lot of people, but I think it's bad at the core. So I don't want to be a part of it, or pretend that I'm okay with it, because I'm not.

I'm going to the UU church next week. I think that's going to be a lot more my speed.

Peace.