A message for myself and not for you
Sep. 18th, 2003 10:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicThis entry is going to be more for me than for everyone else, but I'm not going to make it private because whatever. I'm just saying, as I continue, I don't really intend for many people to read this...but I'm not ashamed of what I'm going to write so go ahead if you want.
Lately I've been really moody. Like, moodier than I've ever been, and I'm bipolar. Frequently the last few days, I'll just randomly burst into tears...or not burst, but just start crying. Usually it has to do with Jeremy, but at times it's just out of nowhere. Why about Jeremy? Well, it's because I love him so much, really. We've been going through some weirdness lately, and things just scare me. I'm not worried about breaking up with him, or even him having less intense feelings for me...it's just that certain word selections really strike a raw nerve with me, and make me cry. Or certain tones. This has always been the case, but it seems magnified these days. Like, I'll say "I love you," and he'll say "thanks," as opposed to "I love you, too," which makes me cry. Or I'm always the first one to say I love him, or kiss him. Not always, but most often. That's probably because I'm more needy about that than he is. I don't know. Lately it just seems like I need more from him to feel good about his feelings for me. My brain doesn't doubt that he loves me, but I wish he was more eager to show me how. As I write this, it still doesn't make sense, because Jer is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him, which is a lot, and he doesn't ask for anything in return. He holds me all night, and he kisses me in the morning even when we have rotten breath. Part of the problem is my dreams. The past few days, I've been having horrible dreams and daydreams that Jeremy dies, and I am either not there with him because my cell phone is off and I have no clue, or I am there, but it's horribly gruesome and traumatizing. This is particularly troubling because lately I've been pondering whether or not I believe in souls. I used to always think so, and I still do...it's just that I recognize that science is against me on that one. Like, if we do have souls that go on to heaven or wherever after we're dead, what happens to our memories? Do we remember our lives? Will I know that I have a love when I am in the afterlife, or will that part of me be erased in my death? I mean, memory is very physical. It's part of the brain. Knock your head hard enough, and you lose your memory. I can't bear the thought of being alone in heaven, even if I am supposed to be surrounded by warmth or whatever. I also can't stand the thought that if Jeremy dies, he won't be looking down on me, or that if I die, I won't be able to remain with Jer in spirit. I think about it so much and I am so horribly bothered by all the resulting thoughts. I worry and I freak out and I cry and it makes me need even more love, and then I worry that my neediness is annoying. I mean, I would probably be annoyed if someone were like this to me, even if it was because they loved me. But anyway I love Jeremy. More than I need him, I love him to the core. I wish there were better ways of showing that, because I try so hard every day and still I just feel like I am being obnoxious. And all the while, I recognize that most of these feelings are just a result of my depression, but they are all still horribly confusing and traumatizing. Last night I was up most of the night crying and trying to explain it to Jer and I just can't do that all the time. I love Jer so much, and I want him to read this and know that I am sincere and honest when I say I want to be responsible for all of his happiness and never the cause of any of his grief. I love you, Jcow. It is most of all important that you know that.
Peace.
Lately I've been really moody. Like, moodier than I've ever been, and I'm bipolar. Frequently the last few days, I'll just randomly burst into tears...or not burst, but just start crying. Usually it has to do with Jeremy, but at times it's just out of nowhere. Why about Jeremy? Well, it's because I love him so much, really. We've been going through some weirdness lately, and things just scare me. I'm not worried about breaking up with him, or even him having less intense feelings for me...it's just that certain word selections really strike a raw nerve with me, and make me cry. Or certain tones. This has always been the case, but it seems magnified these days. Like, I'll say "I love you," and he'll say "thanks," as opposed to "I love you, too," which makes me cry. Or I'm always the first one to say I love him, or kiss him. Not always, but most often. That's probably because I'm more needy about that than he is. I don't know. Lately it just seems like I need more from him to feel good about his feelings for me. My brain doesn't doubt that he loves me, but I wish he was more eager to show me how. As I write this, it still doesn't make sense, because Jer is so good to me. He does everything I ask of him, which is a lot, and he doesn't ask for anything in return. He holds me all night, and he kisses me in the morning even when we have rotten breath. Part of the problem is my dreams. The past few days, I've been having horrible dreams and daydreams that Jeremy dies, and I am either not there with him because my cell phone is off and I have no clue, or I am there, but it's horribly gruesome and traumatizing. This is particularly troubling because lately I've been pondering whether or not I believe in souls. I used to always think so, and I still do...it's just that I recognize that science is against me on that one. Like, if we do have souls that go on to heaven or wherever after we're dead, what happens to our memories? Do we remember our lives? Will I know that I have a love when I am in the afterlife, or will that part of me be erased in my death? I mean, memory is very physical. It's part of the brain. Knock your head hard enough, and you lose your memory. I can't bear the thought of being alone in heaven, even if I am supposed to be surrounded by warmth or whatever. I also can't stand the thought that if Jeremy dies, he won't be looking down on me, or that if I die, I won't be able to remain with Jer in spirit. I think about it so much and I am so horribly bothered by all the resulting thoughts. I worry and I freak out and I cry and it makes me need even more love, and then I worry that my neediness is annoying. I mean, I would probably be annoyed if someone were like this to me, even if it was because they loved me. But anyway I love Jeremy. More than I need him, I love him to the core. I wish there were better ways of showing that, because I try so hard every day and still I just feel like I am being obnoxious. And all the while, I recognize that most of these feelings are just a result of my depression, but they are all still horribly confusing and traumatizing. Last night I was up most of the night crying and trying to explain it to Jer and I just can't do that all the time. I love Jer so much, and I want him to read this and know that I am sincere and honest when I say I want to be responsible for all of his happiness and never the cause of any of his grief. I love you, Jcow. It is most of all important that you know that.
Peace.
