jianantonic | The gym *is* helpful

I'm doing a little better today. But first, I need to ask that PLEASE - when I say "I don't want you to comment on this," I really mean it. You are all entitled to your theories of why I am the way I am, or why I act the way I do, but until I ask you, please don't tell me what you think. It's so patronizing! When I'm depressed, and someone says "Oh, you're probably depressed because..." it doesn't help. It makes it worse. The thing about depression is that there isn't a real reason for it. There are triggers, certainly, but it's a medical condition. If it happened because of a bad day or shitty turn of events, we'd just call it "sadness." So, yeah, I'm talking about it. But I don't want you to. Same goes for my house.

So, the gym. By the time I got home from work, I was tired, lethargic, and crampy. I was not going to let myself off the hook, though, so I went as scheduled to the gym. Jer had done laundry and the only pants I could find were these terribly unflattering spandex things that I did NOT want to wear. I also couldn't find an oversized T-shirt, so that spandex was really out there. I felt and looked like shit at this point. So I get to the gym, and I'm early by about 30 minutes, so I decided to do a leg workout. I did all the leg machines and then met my trainer for our upper body/abs session. One set into things, I was telling her how shitty I felt and how lazy I'd been, when guess who I see walking by? Not just an ex, the ex. My first real boyfriend, the longest relationship other than the one I'm currently in, the guy I haven't really seen for six years - yeah. Him. Now, we're on decent terms at this point, and I'm really not afraid of seeing him. But I did not want to be seen by anyone, least of all an ex, looking and feeling the way I did/do. And I made a real ass of myself doing the whole avoiding eye contact bit. I'm not like that, really. I just wasn't prepared for that confrontation just yet. But we're members of the same gym, apparently we go at the same times - I'm going to see the guy. Yeesh. I'll have to be sure never to settle for yucky spandex again.

So Jen punished me for being out for two weeks. "I'm doing this because I love you," she says. We bumped up all the weights - luckily, my lifting ability hadn't gone down any while I was away, and I actually lifted new personal bests on every exercise we did. I felt okay while doing most of them, but the ab stuff felt really off. My balance was shitty and I had no rhythm. I felt as though I looked terrible, but she said my form was great and the two weeks off hadn't ruined me; I needed to stop worrying. I love Jen:) I tried to get on an elliptical and run for a while after we were done, but I was too crampy, so I came home. I'm really sore today, but I'm going back after work for some more serious lifting and running - no excuses today. I'm NOT not running. And I'll find my good pants.

Peace.