Appearances can be deceiving...

[jianantonic]

Ay ay ay. When I was in Guatemala, my house mother used to say that all the time. Mostly in response to my diet. Not only was I vegetarian, but I was picky. I lived with her for a month eating nothing but cheese sandwiches with dijon mustard. Yum.

Confession
I've been writing a lot of confessions lately - embarrassing stories about my humanity. Here's one from yesterday.
I was walking to my car from the office, and another car turned the wrong way down a one way street. Just as I muttered "dumbass!" under my breath, I tripped on the sidewalk and nearly faceplanted. I didn't actually fall, but if I had, it wouldn't have been the first time. I'm physically fit, a good dancer, and I have 20/20 vision, but for some reason, I can't walk. Maybe something was just making me weak in the knees.

I definitely left Gatlinburg with legs worse for wear. Whatever possessed me to ask Jen for some cycling tracks last night, I don't know, but I think I must be insane.

In the car on the way home from Gatlinburg, Rio and Fingers were my passengers. Rio warned us early into the drive, "Guys, I'm gonna take off a shoe now."
Meg: Just one?
Rio: Yeah, I'll save the other one for later.
Meg: So it's about prolonging the enjoyment?
Rio: Exactly.
So I told them about that theory my cousin told me about - she called it heartmouth but I've yet to uncover any such thing on the internet. Anyway the theory is that you're affected by the overall energy of a place, so if someone around you is feeling good, you'll feel it too, etc. We decided that this is a good theory, and the best way to get the maximum enjoyment out of our car ride would be to take turns slowly taking off one shoe at a time, and then the socks. Which we did. It was awesome. It was like constant euphoria all the way home. We'd all been on our feet for pretty much 7 days straight on a hard concrete floor, doing a thankless job...just being able to unshoe oneself after such a week is a glorious feeling.

I'm trying to feel glorious today. It's not completely working. I did get to take a shower, so that's a start. I took a long walk after finishing my morning reports here at work. I feel okay, but I wish I felt better. I know what's wrong but don't know how to fix it. Sigh. Big sigh.

So I guess I haven't reflected here yet on the VT shootings. I don't think I need to tell anyone that I hold Virginia Tech close to my heart and that my family is very involved with the institution. I'm thankful that no one close to me was hurt (directly), but I spoke to my brother last night and he was definitely very shaken up. Me, I just feel numb. I wish I could say "I can't believe it," but that's not true because I can. Not that I think the particular location of the shooting has anything to do with it. Why Tech? is definitely a question on my mind, as well as just Why?, but I am heartbreakingly unsurprised by the events.

It seems when tragedy strikes, everyone is eager to mention their closeness to the situation. "I had a cousin at Columbine!" or "My mom's best friend's niece was in the twin towers," etc...everyone somehow wants to relate to it. Maybe it's about attention, I'm not sure. I'm just glad I didn't know anyone this time, because I sure as hell could have. People want to be close to tragedy until it gets too close. I hope this is the closest I ever get to such an event. I don't want to witness anything like this, I don't want to know anyone involved, I don't want to know anyone who witnessed it, and I don't want to know anyone who knows anyone. Okay, most of all, I don't want it to happen at all. It's affecting a lot of people right now, and I can't imagine the pain of knowing that someone was taken too soon. I've been very lucky in my life to dodge a lot of tragic loss. I've experienced deaths and illnesses and difficult breakups, but I've never felt robbed of a loved one, really. I hope I never do. But I think the odds are against me. Life is scary. Other people make me nervous.

Falcon Ridge is but three months away. It's going to be very different for me this year. But I can't wait.

Peace.

Comments

[stillbigonbnl.livejournal.com]

It may be attention with some. For me, sometimes I just need to justify being upset over something if that makes sense. If you know someone who knows someone then you feel a little more justified to shed a tear. I'm not very emotional for the most part. Up until about 5 years ago, I hadn't had any tragic deaths. Since then it seems like it's every few months. Realistically, it's been 4 people taken too soon in 5 years, but it's affected me profoundly each time. Right now, especially still mourning Clay so recently all I can think about is how this is magnified by 32 times what we're dealing with. I just can't imagine. I don't buy into this "why here?" mentality either. People around here especially tend to think they live in a bubble where bad things never happen because you know everyone. Well, Blacksburg isn't a whole lot different from Harrisonburg. Anyone, anywhere can snap and do something you never thought possible. We're dealing with that first hand with Clay's death.