jianantonic | The hardest to learn was the least complicated

I am still recovering from Gatlinburg - it was such a draining, intense week that I've yet to find any real footing since making my return. I've gotten 12+ hours of sleep 4/6 nights I've been back, but that really hasn't helped things much. I'm still kind of dragging. I think once I get back to the gym, all will set itself right. That's tomorrow.

Today I am going to Richmond with E to the Slye to catch an Indigo Girls concert. I was thinking back and realized that she and I have seen the Indigo Girls together once a year since my junior year of high school. It's a pretty awesome tradition. I'm so glad she's in town now and we can get our folk on together, instead of catching bands on different legs of the same tour and calling to compare notes. It's just not the same. Some other friends will be at this show, too, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I could really make a soundtrack to my life out of IG music. Maybe I'll do that fun 10 questions meme later.

I've been reading back over my old journal entries, and I'm really embarrassed by some of the things I wrote. I just, I dunno, I just don't know that girl anymore. But it's interesting to look back, anyway. I'm not locking any old entries, so feel free to go back and mock me. It's who I was, no denying that...although there is some pretty serious denial in some of those entries. I just want to go back in time and smack myself around a little sometimes. Oh well. That which does not kill you....

My birthday is in less than a week. It'll also be the 9th anniversary of Marma's death. I cannot believe she's been gone for so long. I still think about her every day. And she's still so much a part of my life that it's almost as if I don't miss her, because she's very, very present to me. But I do miss her. This time of year is always hard for me. She's the most amazing woman I've ever known, and I'm so priveleged to have her blood running in my veins. I want her to be proud of the woman I've become, and a lot of times I worry that she may not be...but then I think about the rest of my family, and we've all gone through some ups and downs, and she loved us all unconditionally. I still remember what my aunt Coo said to me at her funeral. "You were so special to her, Meg. She loved you so much." And I'd always been jealous of all my older cousins, because I felt like she loved them more. She talked about them all the time and told me she hoped I'd grow up to be like my cousins Laura or Lynn (ironically, the two hippiest of hippies in my whole family tree - I wonder if Marma realized that about them?). Being the youngest, I always felt quite a bit in the shadows of my older, accomplished relatives. But it was then that I realized Marma spent a lot of her time talking to everyone else about me, just like she spent her time with me talking about everyone else. Damn, I really miss her. She was the ultimate Southern Matriarch. A steel magnolia to the core. I don't know if I'll ever be like that.

I've done a lot of wrestling lately with my southern heritage. Most of my close friendships these days are with people who are not southern, and they view southerners as hicks and racists. Fuck, if my only impression of the south were Harrisonburg, I'd hate it, too. There are so many great things about being southern, though, but it's a little weird to me to have such an ugly history, too. But it is history, and it's really cool to have as complete a family record as I do. I'm very, very proud to be a Massie. And I'm a little sad that Lucy isn't getting a southern upbringing. Her experience will be so much different from mine, and I'm sad we don't have that in common. But I love her just the same.

I guess that's all I have to say about that...for now.

Peace.