Ack! Keep that wee-wee away from my hoo-ha!

[jianantonic]

I picked up a bunch of wedding-themed fiction at the GVBF last month, hoping to get some entertaining reads but also to have something I could review for AisleDash.  One such review is already up on the site, and I picked up my second wedfic book today.  It's actually a collection of short-ish stories (about 100pgs each), and I read the first one today. 

It might have been the worst thing ever.

The story wasn't horrible, I mean it was captivating enough for me to stick with it long enough to get to the end, but it was a little more pornographic than I like my novels to be, and it wasn't even good porn.

My favorite bad excerpts:

Her breasts were crushed against his chest, her feminine mound pressed directly against his arousal.

and

"Now I think you're ready."  He breathed the words against her thigh before repositioning her so she could ride him.  She sank down onto his throbbing hard length.

Oh baby, put that length in my mound -- OH YEAH!

That delightful text was from Brides Gone Wild by Cathie Linz, who never deserves to get laid again.  Bad writer!  You go to the corner now!

Peace.

Comments

[kixeldorado.livejournal.com]

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Bad fiction activates me gag reflex. :)

[theunveiling.livejournal.com]

Cathie Linz has way too much fucking time on her hands....and none of it involves fucking.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

The sick thing is she's a best selling author, according to the back of this book. Blech.

[capriciousbee.livejournal.com]

Wow. This gives me excellent ideas for my own romance novels! "throbbing hard length" is pretty common, but "mound pressed against his arousal" is a bit new. Though also a bit clinical. I have come across ones where they repetitively use the word "mons".

I think the romance novel world would be better if we reverted entirely to clinical terms! "She groaned with desire as his prepuce and glans slid inside her vulva, and her mammary glands and aereolae, crushed against his chest, we stiff with longing."

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Oh man that is a great idea. Scientists as erotica writers -- brilliant!

Speaking of which...there's a retired neurosurgeon in the DC bridge club who keeps sending me his pornographic manuscripts to read and give my opinion on. They're so clinical and unsexy, it's uncomfortable...

[capriciousbee.livejournal.com]

My first thought on that is WHY a retired neurosurgeon is sending you his pornographic manuscripts? And what is that like? "His orgasm was explosive, and he felt a rush of dopamine and oxytocin hit his brain in a flood of fulfilled desire..." "Darling, I'm addicted to you, no one can excite my neural circuits like the sight of your mons..."

I'm completely determined to write a romance novel...when I get around to it. I've decided it'll be about two microbiologists, and he'll take her on the lab bench, sweeping test tubes to the floor in a crash, while she tears at the buttons of his lab coat in an agony of desire.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

If you want to make it really kinky, they can use test tubes for butt play. Hehe.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

OH, totally unrelated...at this very instant, I'm writing about the Crim Dell bridge for AD -- know where I can find a good picture, and do you have anything I should definitely say about it besides recounting the fable about kissing and throwing the dude over if you break up?

[capriciousbee.livejournal.com]

This (http://flathat.wm.edu/2006-09-22/story.php?type=3&aid=2) is a link to to the school newspaper, the Flat Hat, there's a good picture in that essay, and there are probably other pictures on the site.

All I know is the kissing fable, though I did see someone getting married on top of the bridge on Valentine's Day one year. Weddings on top of the bridge are pretty common. Weddings in the Wren Chapel are more common, though you're only allowed to get married there is one of you when to WM. It's mostly a great place to take pictures if you're getting married near the campus.

Aside from the kissing fable, during our progression across the campus when we enter the college and at graduation, the whole class will cross the bridge as part of the ceremony. Which is touching, in a kind of we all cross it together and so we're together always kind of way.

I hope this helps!

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Thanks:) The article is done now (I found the Flat Hat essay with Google's help) and you can check it out here:
http://www.aisledash.com/2008/04/08/most-romantic-places-on-earth-the-crim-dell-bridge-at-william/

It won't be live until this afternoon, so if you see anything I need to change, let me know. I didn't hear back from Emily about whether she and Patrick had kissed on the bridge, but I took a creative liberty there.