jianantonic | Unburning bridges

I've been keeping this journal for a really long time now -- five years this month, I believe. I've left all the old posts up and public, and you can go back and read them if you like; maybe you already have. But it's hard for me to do that. It's no surprise that my relationship with Jeremy coincides with the deepest, most destructive period of depression in my life. I don't blame him for it, but I do think that my entering into and staying in such an ill-advised relationship is a direct result of my personal unwellness.

McKenzie and I had a heart to heart yesterday about our personal histories/struggles with depression, and thinking about it has led me to an epiphany of sorts. I was so angry in college; I was fueled by drama and I had some sort of need to hold grudges. Blaming others for my own fuckedupedness was my way of not dealing with it. I lost some good friends in the process.

I'm better now. Depression is still and will always be a daily struggle for me, because it's a part of who I am, just like my black hair and hazel eyes. But I deal with it in so much healthier ways now. Looking back at my early 20's, I don't even feel like that was me. I have always tried to be a nice person, and it's always been important to me to be a good, compassionate person. Even so, I realize now that even though I did work hard to be that good person that I was still incredibly difficult to like.

There's not really a conclusion to this post. I'm starting to reach out to some of the folks I lost touch with in college, apologizing for being such a drag of a friend. I don't know if I'll ever get those relationships back, but from my end, anyway, all hatchets are buried.

Peace.