jianantonic | (no subject)

2010 was simultaneously my most successful year ever, and the worst year of my life. Obviously it hasn't been all bad, and in fact there's been a lot of good. And even from the bad, I'll take some very valuable lessons and that will ensure that 2011 is a better year. Hopefully a lot better. I'm working on it.

No need to recap the terribleness, but here are some of the highlights from 2010, in sort of chronological order:

Tried snowboarding for the first time. Didn't suck too badly.
Visited Lake Tahoe for the first time. It was beautiful.
Did lots of hiking in the Columbia River Gorge
Played bridge with lots of new partners, advanced my game a lot.
Rode a motorcycle for the first time
Took on more editing jobs including AOL Travel
Visited the Caribbean for the first time, met some more great writerfolk
Started running seriously again.
Took a step back from my overloaded lifestyle; started to admit that I need to rearrange my life.
Finished 11th place in a National event. By far my best finish.
Started depression medication and talk therapy.
Took a really serious, hard look at my life, realized what's broken, what I need to fix, and began working on it.

I'm not going to call it a New Year's resolution, but I am determined to keep working on myself in 2011. With McKenzie's cooperation, I want to work hard on my marriage. Both of us have always known that we could be amazing together, but we never have been, because I've been such a wretched mess. Being estranged from my husband and living like a drifter right now isn't exactly fun, and I'm sad a lot of the the time, but mentally, I'm in a better place than I've ever been. I feel like I see myself, my past, my present, and my future clearer than I ever have before. I know I had unrealistic interpretations of myself and the world around me before, and I think I see things as I should now. I'm still me, I'm just better at it. And I'm going to keep getting better. I'm committed to doing the work in therapy, with my meds, with my relationships, physically, professionally -- all the work I need to do to live a balanced, peaceful life. To pull my weight, to take care of myself, and to be a good friend to others -- and for those I can't be friends with (or don't want to be), instead of letting them under my skin, I'll remember that nobody is universally loved, and I'll accept that I can't please everyone and can't expect everyone to please me.

I'm working on getting over my feelings of jealousy and being left out, and admitting that hey, I often don't ENJOY being included in the things I feel left out of when I'm not. Does that make sense? Basically I always thought I wanted to play tons of bridge and travel to tons of tournaments, but when I started doing that all the time, I stopped having fun with it, and I brought everyone else down with me. Turns out, that's not the lifestyle I want, even though I know it'll feel difficult at first to be left out of the life I thought I wanted and earned for myself. But I'll make peace with these feelings, and I'll find a balance where I can play bridge as much as I want without overloading myself. I'll recognize when things are starting to shift from fun to stressful and pull back before things get out of hand. And I'll do that in all areas of my life.

Basically it boils down to being more in touch with my emotions and the things behind them. Recognizing when I'm overreacting or putting too much emphasis on things that really don't matter. Recognizing when I'm digging holes. Remembering what's important and what's not. Remembering that people who disagree with me aren't out to get me and that I don't need to feel betrayed or hold a grudge. Nobody is worth the energy of a grudge. If someone truly offends or hurts me to that point, I'll just write them off instead of putting energy into disliking them.

Between the meds and the therapy I've been doing, I don't really think that this stuff is going to be hard for me anymore. I feel like my emotions are firing at a reasonable level these days, so even though I'll be on the alert to catch myself when things get out of hand, I really don't anticipate having to do that very often. I've recalibrated. The hardest thing will be noticing and being proactive when the balance starts to shift. But staying in therapy and listening to those around me will help. I'm going to be fine. I'm dedicated to these changes.

So that's my plan for 2011, and the rest of my life. Here's to new beginnings.