jianantonic | (no subject)

I'm leaving here tomorrow at noon for a flight to Atlanta. I'm playing in Macon this weekend with my friend Andre. First, though, he's picking me up at the airport and we're going to Chipotle (yum!) and the UVA-GT women's basketball game. I really do love watching the girls play and keeping up with the team, but I can't bring myself to actually wear UVA colors. I'll wear my Hokie sweatshirt probably, which won't be as much of a faux pas in Atlanta as it was when I wore it to JPJ for a home game. I'm not really invested in this team (which is good, because they're awful), but I just find the games really interesting. I feel like if I'd studied the game better when I was a player myself, I could've been much better. I watch these games and know exactly what advice I'd give each player, and I see these college starters making the same dumb mistakes I made as a freshman in high school. Anyway it's fun for me.

Last week in therapy, Dr. P asked me what things make me feel complete. At first, my answer was, "I don't know, I haven't really felt that way in a while." I thought about it, though, and it's not as dismal as that. Live music, rocking out with friends, a good workout, a hike in a beautiful place...laughing really hard...pulling off an awesome play at the bridge table...there are things. Dr. P suggested that I should try volunteering at a nursing home (she knows I did this in high school), because she thinks that would be empowering for me. Actually, I was on my way to the hospital right after that meeting to visit with Virginia Page. She's a 92-year-old family friend who broke her hip in a fall last month, and has been at the rehab hospital at UVA ever since. She's about to be discharged, though, so I'm going to try to visit her again today before she leaves. I've been stopping by about twice a week since I got back to Charlottesville and hanging out and playing cards with her. She's a brilliant lady and she's just like family (she was my grandmother's best friend), so it's been really great to spend so much time with her. The circumstances suck, but it has felt really good to be able to show up there and cheer her up.

I'm looking forward to therapy this afternoon. I've been holding it together pretty well lately, but I am feeling shaky and scared about not having talked to Z all week, and I guess I just have some processing to do. I also do still have some mental blocks that I'd like to try to hammer through. There are some things I know I need to do and even want to do them, but I've been paralyzed and I can't really figure out why.

Last night my mom asked me about my meds. She asked if I felt different, and how. I said yes, I'm not in a bad mood all the time. I'm actually doing pretty well. And she agreed, saying she'd noticed that I hadn't really been grumpy at all since I'd been on the meds, and that she was really happy. It means a lot to me that my mom sees that. It felt good to have her say that, because I know she's someone who often got more than her share of my bad moods, and for her to say she hasn't seen it at all makes me feel like I really have turned this corner. I've felt all along that I have, but the external reinforcement helps a lot, especially since one thing I've really learned in all this is that I'm not the best judge of my own mind.

I'm mostly in a good place right now, but still have plenty to work on, and I'm looking forward to doing that work the right way. I know it won't be easy, but I'll be better for it, and I like getting better.