(no subject)

[jianantonic]

Therapy was interesting today.  The psychiatrist had some theories that I didn't expect.  One of her first hypotheses was that my rage episodes are actually seizures.  We talked about that a little bit and she decided she doesn't think it's very likely, but given my mom's history of unusual seizures, she does think it would be worth it for me to see a neurologist if they happen again. 

I told her that the sleeping pill I've been taking is giving me bad headaches (and also not really putting me to sleep) so she gave me a new one to try.  It's actually a muscle relaxer.  I'm kind of excited about this -- just super curious how it will feel.  

I talked to Z some more tonight.  He asked me not to come to Louisville, and to step back from the NABC scene for a while.  I don't mind doing that, so I canceled my plans for the spring NABC, and I'll definitely skip Toronto this summer, too.  It's a bummer, but also it's always been such a hassle to get from FRFF to the tournament, so it'll be ok to miss it and just enjoy a relaxing time on the hill instead.  

Reconciliation is going to take some adjustments, obviously; some major and some minor, but I really want to give it my best shot.  Even the big sacrifices would be a small price to pay to have a happy marriage.  I have finally reached the point in my therapy where I do know I'll be okay even if the marriage fails, and being secure in that knowledge helps me feel like I can move forward in the marriage for the right reasons and not just out of desperation.  I still want to move forward, and I'm in no way apathetic, but it is empowering to feel like my future will be bright one way or the other.  Of course there will be a lot of pain on the way there, either way, but I can handle it.  I didn't always think I could.

Comments

[pwylltwiceborn.livejournal.com]

I keep reading...

" I have finally reached the point in my therapy where I do know I'll be okay even if the marriage fails, and being secure in that knowledge helps me feel like I can move forward in the marriage for the right reasons and not just out of desperation. I still want to move forward, and I'm in no way apathetic, but it is empowering to feel like my future will be bright one way or the other. Of course there will be a lot of pain on the way there, either way, but I can handle it. I didn't always think I could."
--I find that really heartening.

[flamingophoenix.livejournal.com]

Concur.

[pinkhorizons.livejournal.com]

Yes, all of this. You sound really good- I mean, I can even hear a difference in your writing (probably because you're such a good writer). It really comes through, you sound a lot better- more calm, more even- than you have in a long time. Really good for you :)

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks. I'm better about not constantly needing approval and reassurance, but it will always cheer me up when someone compliments my writing :)