A PSA, I guess
Jan. 17th, 2011 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicTrigger warning...
I used to think about suicide every day. I'm not talking about since McKenzie left; I mean every day since I was a little child. I was never really serious about following through with any of my thoughts, but they were always there. When things got really bad last year, they were stronger, and I did start wanting to act. I googled a lot about it...I pretty much obsessed over the idea. I figured it was just a matter of time. One thing I kept hearing, though, from friends, therapists, and testimonials online, was that I'd get better, and be glad I hadn't done it.
I never believed this.
Just a little over a month ago, all I wanted was to die. I was hopeful that I would soon. I was looking forward to the point where I'd get over my fear of following through and just do it. I didn't want to hurt the ones I loved, and I guess that's most of what kept me from trying, but I still wished for death -- a car crash, a plane crash, a swift-moving terminal illness -- but these things didn't come, and gradually I did start finding more and more joy in my day to day life. My circumstances haven't really changed much -- I'm still separated from McKenzie and up in the air with my whole life, but somehow it feels completely different. I'm sad about the separation, sure, and lonely for my husband, but I'll either get him back or move on. I won't always live in limbo, and while that part of me remains in limbo, the rest of my life goes on. And you know what? I'm having a pretty good time. There are great people in my life, I'm successful, and I have fun every day.
I'm glad I am alive, even if I have a big pile of shit to wade through before things get really good.
What I'm saying is that everyone was right. Even though I wanted so badly to die, I'm over that now -- and pretty quickly, too. I'm pretty sure that however my life turns, I'll find ways to be happy as I keep living it. Some days will be harder than others, but on the whole, it's good to be alive.
I hope those feelings never come back, but if they do, I'll remember that they won't last.
ETA: What made the bad thoughts go away? It could be the meds, could be new perspective from therapy, but is probably a combination of both. That and just the experience of being able to have a good time in spite of sad circumstances.
I used to think about suicide every day. I'm not talking about since McKenzie left; I mean every day since I was a little child. I was never really serious about following through with any of my thoughts, but they were always there. When things got really bad last year, they were stronger, and I did start wanting to act. I googled a lot about it...I pretty much obsessed over the idea. I figured it was just a matter of time. One thing I kept hearing, though, from friends, therapists, and testimonials online, was that I'd get better, and be glad I hadn't done it.
I never believed this.
Just a little over a month ago, all I wanted was to die. I was hopeful that I would soon. I was looking forward to the point where I'd get over my fear of following through and just do it. I didn't want to hurt the ones I loved, and I guess that's most of what kept me from trying, but I still wished for death -- a car crash, a plane crash, a swift-moving terminal illness -- but these things didn't come, and gradually I did start finding more and more joy in my day to day life. My circumstances haven't really changed much -- I'm still separated from McKenzie and up in the air with my whole life, but somehow it feels completely different. I'm sad about the separation, sure, and lonely for my husband, but I'll either get him back or move on. I won't always live in limbo, and while that part of me remains in limbo, the rest of my life goes on. And you know what? I'm having a pretty good time. There are great people in my life, I'm successful, and I have fun every day.
I'm glad I am alive, even if I have a big pile of shit to wade through before things get really good.
What I'm saying is that everyone was right. Even though I wanted so badly to die, I'm over that now -- and pretty quickly, too. I'm pretty sure that however my life turns, I'll find ways to be happy as I keep living it. Some days will be harder than others, but on the whole, it's good to be alive.
I hope those feelings never come back, but if they do, I'll remember that they won't last.
ETA: What made the bad thoughts go away? It could be the meds, could be new perspective from therapy, but is probably a combination of both. That and just the experience of being able to have a good time in spite of sad circumstances.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-18 05:06 am (UTC)I cannot remember a time in my life where suicide wasn't part of my thought process. My first "attempt" was when I was 8 years old. It was a ridiculous one, but it was meant in complete sincerity. I always thought about it, I always was certain my life would end someday by my own hand, and probably before I was 20. I'd pray for cancer, car accidents, etc. I made several more attempts, a bit bigger each time.
I didn't escape that thinking until about three years ago. After my sister died and I saw what it did to my mother. I just...couldn't anymore. I couldn't even think of doing that to her. So...now I am faced with this weird paradigm shift where I have to learn to face life as an ongoing prospect. I no longer have the luxury of assuming it's a short term deal. I have to make plans and make peace. And I am generally glad to be alive. I sometimes still find that old residual thinking in there...not wanting to kill myself, but not fearing death, fantasizing about dying, etc.
I think some people are just wired with these pathways. And it takes time to find a way to cut a new path through the woods.