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Jan. 26th, 2011 03:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jianantonicI feel like I've had a very literal breakthrough. After talking to my therapist last week about strategies for being better and more productive at my job, I totally failed at it over the next several days. I told myself I knew what I needed to do to be the kind of productive I wanted to be...and then I went and played Scramble on Facebook all day. But I did what my therapist suggested and I observed myself failing, thought about why, and brought those thoughts back to her today. We talked about the things that motivate me, and why I'm not feeling motivated enough to do the amount of work I want to, and what I can do to change that. We also talked about Impostor Syndrome, which I had never heard of before, but my therapist thought of it after hearing me describe some of my struggles. She didn't speak of it in terms of a real disorder, but rather just a line of thinking that might be holding me back.
We talked about the things that could motivate me to work harder. I am aware of the real rewards -- better recognition in my field, more opportunities, and of course, more money -- but somehow knowing that these things are available to me isn't enough to make me do the grunt work. I need something more immediate, I think. I tend to be a real statistics nerd, and obsess over my own stats. AOL has started sending monthly reports with data for my team, so that will definitely motivate me to increase my month-over-month numbers, but I think I need something daily. I was thinking about my friend Lance's poker stats, and how he keeps track of his progress with stickers on a calendar. I could use something like that -- like a graph that I could fill in with my own number of published articles as well as the number from my team, because I do have team goals to meet each month, and of course what I write goes toward that. It's like those fundraising thermometer graph things -- I don't know why, but whenever I see something like that, I'm always very excited about raising the bar, even if I don't give a fuck about the fundraiser. I just like the statistics of it. I can't explain it. I'm just a nerd like that. But anyway I think if I had some sort of graph visualization of my own productivity, I'd do more writing -- because I'd want to add to the graph!!! So. I need to find some sort of graphing app on my computer. Because I'm pretty sure that will actually help a lot.
I haven't started my graph project yet, but I did write a feature today. It's not due just yet, and no one had breathed down my neck about it, but I knew it had to be done soon and I knew I could do it. I really didn't feel like it, but I pushed through those feelings, and once I got going, I was on a roll. I was done with the post in under an hour, and it really did feel like I just karate chopped the crap out of my writer's block. So I'm turning my focus back to my work and I'm going to try to pump out another article tonight, and then I'm going to pack and get ready for the trip I probably won't get to take tomorrow...
Oh, get this. I had an email reminder from United this morning to check into my flight. I got this at 8am, and I checked in and was all confirmed and everything. Paid for checked luggage, all that. Then I checked my phone, and I had a message from United from 6am -- before the email telling me to check in -- that my flight was canceled. But when I checked my reservation again, the website didn't say it was canceled, so I called the CHO airport. They said it wasn't officially canceled but that the flight to CHO was canceled already for tonight, so there wouldn't be a plane there, and it will be canceled. So I got on the horn to United customer service and got them to reroute me. For now, I'm confirmed on a 10:30 flight to DC, DC to Chicago, Chicago to Salt Lake, arriving at 8pm. Hopefully those flights are a go, but I have my doubts. It's been snowing and icing pretty much all afternoon, and the roads here are a mess. I hear it's worse in DC. So I'll be prepared to leave tomorrow, but I'm not really counting on being able to get out of here. We'll see.
The good thing that came of all of this was another fun little psychological test for me. Having a flight canceled is a pretty stressful thing to go through, even if you do have 24-hours' notice and a lot of travel experience. But I didn't panic! I was nice to the customer service guy! My mom even commended me for how well I handled it. (There were some f-bombs, but not while I was talking to the customer service dude, and I guess I didn't go over the acceptable amount for this kind of situation.) I told my therapist about it, too, how strange it felt to feel this way. Good strange, though. I was genuinely stressed and irritated...but still totally calm. Who knew that was possible? I mean, holy shit. Not that I like being stressed, but it was kind of awesome.
I feel like I'm experiencing a normal level of emotions for the first time ever. It's like, OH, so THIS is what that's supposed to be like. Neato.
Dr. P says it will help me to look at life as one great lab experiment. There will always be tests, and my job will be to recognize when I'm being tested, and observe the process. That's a really helpful way for me to evaluate my own emotional responses, and it's how I've been treating things lately. It's really interesting! I'm pretty dorkily excited about this. And finally I feel like I'm in control of my own lab. I'm not the rat anymore, but the scientist. Or something.
Peace.
We talked about the things that could motivate me to work harder. I am aware of the real rewards -- better recognition in my field, more opportunities, and of course, more money -- but somehow knowing that these things are available to me isn't enough to make me do the grunt work. I need something more immediate, I think. I tend to be a real statistics nerd, and obsess over my own stats. AOL has started sending monthly reports with data for my team, so that will definitely motivate me to increase my month-over-month numbers, but I think I need something daily. I was thinking about my friend Lance's poker stats, and how he keeps track of his progress with stickers on a calendar. I could use something like that -- like a graph that I could fill in with my own number of published articles as well as the number from my team, because I do have team goals to meet each month, and of course what I write goes toward that. It's like those fundraising thermometer graph things -- I don't know why, but whenever I see something like that, I'm always very excited about raising the bar, even if I don't give a fuck about the fundraiser. I just like the statistics of it. I can't explain it. I'm just a nerd like that. But anyway I think if I had some sort of graph visualization of my own productivity, I'd do more writing -- because I'd want to add to the graph!!! So. I need to find some sort of graphing app on my computer. Because I'm pretty sure that will actually help a lot.
I haven't started my graph project yet, but I did write a feature today. It's not due just yet, and no one had breathed down my neck about it, but I knew it had to be done soon and I knew I could do it. I really didn't feel like it, but I pushed through those feelings, and once I got going, I was on a roll. I was done with the post in under an hour, and it really did feel like I just karate chopped the crap out of my writer's block. So I'm turning my focus back to my work and I'm going to try to pump out another article tonight, and then I'm going to pack and get ready for the trip I probably won't get to take tomorrow...
Oh, get this. I had an email reminder from United this morning to check into my flight. I got this at 8am, and I checked in and was all confirmed and everything. Paid for checked luggage, all that. Then I checked my phone, and I had a message from United from 6am -- before the email telling me to check in -- that my flight was canceled. But when I checked my reservation again, the website didn't say it was canceled, so I called the CHO airport. They said it wasn't officially canceled but that the flight to CHO was canceled already for tonight, so there wouldn't be a plane there, and it will be canceled. So I got on the horn to United customer service and got them to reroute me. For now, I'm confirmed on a 10:30 flight to DC, DC to Chicago, Chicago to Salt Lake, arriving at 8pm. Hopefully those flights are a go, but I have my doubts. It's been snowing and icing pretty much all afternoon, and the roads here are a mess. I hear it's worse in DC. So I'll be prepared to leave tomorrow, but I'm not really counting on being able to get out of here. We'll see.
The good thing that came of all of this was another fun little psychological test for me. Having a flight canceled is a pretty stressful thing to go through, even if you do have 24-hours' notice and a lot of travel experience. But I didn't panic! I was nice to the customer service guy! My mom even commended me for how well I handled it. (There were some f-bombs, but not while I was talking to the customer service dude, and I guess I didn't go over the acceptable amount for this kind of situation.) I told my therapist about it, too, how strange it felt to feel this way. Good strange, though. I was genuinely stressed and irritated...but still totally calm. Who knew that was possible? I mean, holy shit. Not that I like being stressed, but it was kind of awesome.
I feel like I'm experiencing a normal level of emotions for the first time ever. It's like, OH, so THIS is what that's supposed to be like. Neato.
Dr. P says it will help me to look at life as one great lab experiment. There will always be tests, and my job will be to recognize when I'm being tested, and observe the process. That's a really helpful way for me to evaluate my own emotional responses, and it's how I've been treating things lately. It's really interesting! I'm pretty dorkily excited about this. And finally I feel like I'm in control of my own lab. I'm not the rat anymore, but the scientist. Or something.
Peace.
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no subject
Date: 2011-01-28 12:05 am (UTC)The last time I put together a resume, I thought, "holy shit, I'm awesome!" (professionally, anyway). And it was a real surprise, to look at a listing of my accomplishments and really see meaningful, important things. I want to feel that way all the time. "I am good at things, these preservationy things, and I can do this."
Recently, I've bee putting together a portfolio and that's also been helpful, like the resume. Seeing all of my professional projects and accomplishments outlined and in pictures. "Wow, maybe I really do know what I am talking about..."
Best of luck with the travel; glad to hear you're rolling with the punches. or thundersnow... or whatever it is that's attacking the east coast ;)