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On Growing up Girl
Feb. 6th, 2018 04:02 pmI was shaving my legs in the shower just now, and musing about how infrequently I bother to do this now. When I was a tween, I couldn't WAIT to start shaving my legs. I was one of the last girls in my class to start, and I had thick, coarse, black hair. It mortified me, but for some reason, I believed I needed my mother's permission to start shaving. And as much as my leg hair mortified me, having such a conversation with my mother was even more difficult. I brought it up once or twice, and she always brushed it off as "pssh, you don't need to shave!" and that was the end of the conversation. It never occurred to me that I could just do it. It's not like I couldn't figure out the razor on my own. It also didn't occur to me that I could ask my mom to purchase things like a razor and shaving cream for me. I just believed that my mom would one day decide that it was time and only then could I rid myself of this humiliating evidence that I was a mammal.
I don't know that my mother particularly raised me to believe I needed to ask her permission in cases such as this; maybe the idea came from the larger paradigm of what it meant to be a lady and please the adults in my life. Surprisingly to those who know me now, this mattered a lot to young Meg. And we NEVER talked about bodies. I didn't get my period until the summer before I started high school, so the conversation didn't have to happen until then, and by that time, I'd had all my friends to fill me in on the essentials. Even asking my mom for more pads or tampons when I ran out was humiliating.
Parents, please: raise your daughters in such a way that this shit is not difficult for them. Be matter-of-fact about bodies. Everybody farts. Don't raise your kids to be so ashamed of natural functions that should they let one slip in company that the humiliation follows them into adulthood.
While I don't think it's good to push certain beauty standards on a girl, forcing her to avoid them can be just as harmful to her self-image. If your daughter expresses a wish to start shaving her legs or pits or ass, whatever, let her do it. Don't tell her "you're 12 now so you should shave," but don't tell her "you can't shave until you're at least 12," either. Just let her decide when she's ready, and help her avoid the mortification that comes every gym class.
Talk about periods and sex and masturbation like they're normal things BECAUSE THEY ARE.
Just thinking back on my childhood, there are SO MANY WAYS my life would have been much more comfortable had my parents just been open and matter-of-fact about bodies. I'm sure a lot of the issues I have to this day stem from the shame I was brought up to feel about all things body. For instance, I'm 35 years old and I still don't enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm just too self-conscious. I didn't masturbate for the first time until I was 27. I lost my virginity at 15, but there were 8 years and 5 sexual partners between that and my first orgasm. All because I never felt comfortable asking questions or exploring even my own body. I was raised to believe that bodies and sex are just shame machines. Obviously I knew there was some fun to be had, but I was too squicked out to really enjoy them. And even though I know better now, I *still* can't enjoy some of the most fundamentally sexy things, because that shame is so ingrained.
My mother never did give me permission to shave my legs. One day when I was 13, I stole one of my dad's disposable razors and just did the deed. I was sure my mom would notice (my legs, having always been protected by a mat of hair, were so pale they glowed) and get mad and make a big deal about it, but she never did, and I used that same 35-cent piece of shit razor for like THREE YEARS before I had a driver's license and could take myself to the store to get some fucking shaving cream and a good razor, because lord knows I was never going to have that talk with my mom.
Please don't do this to your kids. If it's weird or uncomfortable for you to talk about bodies with them, send them to their aunt Meg, and I'll answer all their questions in an age-appropriate way.
I don't know that my mother particularly raised me to believe I needed to ask her permission in cases such as this; maybe the idea came from the larger paradigm of what it meant to be a lady and please the adults in my life. Surprisingly to those who know me now, this mattered a lot to young Meg. And we NEVER talked about bodies. I didn't get my period until the summer before I started high school, so the conversation didn't have to happen until then, and by that time, I'd had all my friends to fill me in on the essentials. Even asking my mom for more pads or tampons when I ran out was humiliating.
Parents, please: raise your daughters in such a way that this shit is not difficult for them. Be matter-of-fact about bodies. Everybody farts. Don't raise your kids to be so ashamed of natural functions that should they let one slip in company that the humiliation follows them into adulthood.
While I don't think it's good to push certain beauty standards on a girl, forcing her to avoid them can be just as harmful to her self-image. If your daughter expresses a wish to start shaving her legs or pits or ass, whatever, let her do it. Don't tell her "you're 12 now so you should shave," but don't tell her "you can't shave until you're at least 12," either. Just let her decide when she's ready, and help her avoid the mortification that comes every gym class.
Talk about periods and sex and masturbation like they're normal things BECAUSE THEY ARE.
Just thinking back on my childhood, there are SO MANY WAYS my life would have been much more comfortable had my parents just been open and matter-of-fact about bodies. I'm sure a lot of the issues I have to this day stem from the shame I was brought up to feel about all things body. For instance, I'm 35 years old and I still don't enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm just too self-conscious. I didn't masturbate for the first time until I was 27. I lost my virginity at 15, but there were 8 years and 5 sexual partners between that and my first orgasm. All because I never felt comfortable asking questions or exploring even my own body. I was raised to believe that bodies and sex are just shame machines. Obviously I knew there was some fun to be had, but I was too squicked out to really enjoy them. And even though I know better now, I *still* can't enjoy some of the most fundamentally sexy things, because that shame is so ingrained.
My mother never did give me permission to shave my legs. One day when I was 13, I stole one of my dad's disposable razors and just did the deed. I was sure my mom would notice (my legs, having always been protected by a mat of hair, were so pale they glowed) and get mad and make a big deal about it, but she never did, and I used that same 35-cent piece of shit razor for like THREE YEARS before I had a driver's license and could take myself to the store to get some fucking shaving cream and a good razor, because lord knows I was never going to have that talk with my mom.
Please don't do this to your kids. If it's weird or uncomfortable for you to talk about bodies with them, send them to their aunt Meg, and I'll answer all their questions in an age-appropriate way.
