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[jianantonic]

I am just born to be an aunt. No doubt. My sister-in-law posted a photo of my 6yo niece riding a two-wheeled bike, and I'm just so proud of that girl. I know it's not a huge deal and no one else has any reason to care, but these little milestones just stir up a lot of emotion in me. I love my girls so much.

I'm cohosting a baby shower for another friend tomorrow, and as I prepare for that, I'm getting really excited. Mary and Josh are good friends and they know how much I love my nieces, but I doubt they really understand how excited I am about their kid, too. I just love my role. There's some jealousy in not being a parent, though. I'm not the most important person to anyone. There's a bit of an unrequited love when it comes to the kids in my life -- most of them do love me, but none of them will ever really understand the way I love them. That's okay. I don't need unhealthy codependence to feel important. There are levels of connection I just won't get without being a mom, and those are definitely things on which I definitely understand I'm missing out -- but not enough to want all the other baggage that comes with parenthood. The point is, I love the kids in my life. I love the parents in my life. I'm really comfortable in my role as Auntie. And I hope my friends are comfortable with my self-installation as their kids' auntie, too. I respect boundaries, I promise!

I'm looking forward to squeezing on Sloane tomorrow, too.

Once recently when I was with Shanon and her kids, we were saying goodbye and I asked Jack for a hug. He said no, and I want to be respectful of that. Not to be alarmist or anything but I do think it's an early seed of rape culture to force kids to be affectionate when they don't want to be, so if a kid says s/he doesn't want a hug, I want them to know that that's okay and I respect that. I told Jack okay, no hug, and I got up and started to walk away. Then he came running after me with his arms open yelling "HEY!!" Little fucker was just trying to play hard to get. Ha. It definitely felt good when he did want a hug after all :) I tell him I love him and he says "I love you" back to me, but I think it's more reflexive to say that than it is an actual feeling right now. Still feels good.

Comments

[istar.livejournal.com]

I'm excited too! Brian has already started talking about how to kidproof our home so Mary and Josh can come over and relax.

I should do more for my niece, too. She's cool and I would love to be more active in her life (if she wants). You're right-on about respecting consent. I was a not-physically-affectionate tot, and so hugs from my grandma (whom I saw infrequently before age 3) were a bit unwelcome at first.

[sillygoosegirl.livejournal.com]

It means a lot to me that all 3 of you are excited and so supportive. I'm scared, of course, but one of my biggest--and perhaps most irrational--fears going into this was losing my friends. I know that change is inevitable, but some things I hope don't change.

[jianantonic.livejournal.com]

I totally understand being afraid of that -- a lot of relationships change when you bring a baby into the dynamic. But in my case, if anything it makes me want to be closer. I know you'll be busy and tired and won't have time to do shots or play 3-hour games of Arkham Horror or whatever, whenever, but I promise I really do find baby stories fun, and I'm happy to let your kid scream at me for a couple of hours if you need a break. I feel like being there in those moments with Jack really cemented me as part of his family, and helped me bond with him in ways that I wouldn't if I only ever saw him when he was on his best behavior, you know? Anyway, I'm totally excited, and I'm gonna love the crap out whatever little monster or angel you end up with.