jianantonic | (no subject)

I'm hoping I'll feel more motivated as this headache fades. Right now I'm just in take it slow mode. I've done some work, but it's hard to focus (literally -- my vision is a little blurred). Z is away for the weekend, so if I want to go out, I have to coordinate with the public transit schedule -- have I mentioned how excited I am to move to a place that's right on the MAX line? I don't mind taking buses, but the bus out here only comes once or twice an hour, and that's not terribly convenient -- especially when it's cold outside.

I found a place in Beaverton yesterday that I'm pretty excited about, but there were no vacant units to tour, so I can't go all in just yet. It's a block away from the Beaverton Transit Center, walking distance to Fred Meyer, and right on a little park with jogging trails. It doesn't have mountain views and it's on the far side of town from the airport, but with the MAX station right there, it would still be pretty convenient, though a little over an hour's ride to the airport (and about 30 minutes into town). The places we looked at in Gresham did have mountain views, but were not right on the MAX line (not very far, though). They're closer to the airport but a slightly longer ride into town. Prices and floor plans are comparable. As much as I'd really love that mountain view, or the proximity to the Gorge, I think I am leaning toward the Beaverton apartment because of overall convenience. If we ever buy a place in Portland, I'll make sure it meets all my needs -- MAX line, mountain views, etc -- but for a rental, I don't have to be as picky, I guess. And I feel like I'll be happier almost anywhere that's not here. I don't hate my apartment, I'm just sort of generally grumpy about it. I'm looking forward to living in a place that doesn't make me feel that way.

Speaking of hate...I'm trying to let go of that altogether. There are plenty of things I do hate and can't help but, but I know it's best for everyone if I just don't spend any energy on that stuff. When my little hippie friends and I were in middle school, we used to scold ourselves pretty harshly for using the "h-word." And I think we were onto something. Language does have a huge impact on thought, and getting the word out of my vocabulary as much as possible can help my outlook a lot. It's something that my therapy and medication have naturally reduced, but I can eradicate even more if I make a little bit of an effort. So that's something I'm doing now. I'm finally starting to really grasp what it means to pick your battles. Individual conflict? Seems like it's almost never necessary -- at least not the way I let it eat at me in the past. I can't choose what does and doesn't irritate me, but I can choose whether or not to indulge that feeling. There's something self-righteously satisfying about pushing back in these situations, but the payout is ultimately not at all worth it. I'm learning that it's also satisfying to be able to let shit go. I never knew that before. I also never realized just how bad I was at this. Glad I finally figured it out.