Marching to the beat of a different mandolin

Yesterday we looked at two apartments.  In my mind, I'd already started ruling out one of them because it's just farther from public transit than I want to be.  But we'd already made the appointment to view it and I figured it couldn't hurt to look.  I freaking LOVED it.  Which totally bummed me out.  I had this huge mixed reaction because THAT is the space I want to live in, but not in that location.  I just know that being in a place that's not convenient to transit is going to make it impossible for me to love it.  So I'm really sad because I loved this place a lot.  And I liked the landlord a lot, too.  And it had a Mt. Hood view.  But it's just too damn inconvenient.

After that, we went to Beaverton to tour an apartment in a complex we'd liked but hadn't seen inside.  It was nice and the location is really great (on the MAX line, by a park, walking distance to SO MANY THINGS I LOVE), but the floor plans just don't measure up to what we saw in Gresham, and it's more expensive...sigh.  It's worth it to me.  I want to live there.  I'm sad that it's not the perfect Gresham place, but I know if I'd realized all along how far from transit it was, I never would've considered the Gresham place in the first place.  And now I just would prefer not to know it exists, you know?

I'm pretty well sold on this complex in Beaverton, but Z isn't, and I don't want to force him to compromise.  The problem, though, is that if we had infinity dollars to spend on housing, his ideal and my ideal would be fundamentally different.  So finding a place we both absolutely love probably just isn't going to happen -- we'll have to find a place we both like and then make it our own together.  Honestly, the place we're in now kinda sucks, but it's decorated in such a way that it feels comfortable and nice.  I think that looking at an empty unit doesn't really help very much to envision what it will be like when we're there.  And while we probably could've done more things with the Gresham place, I feel like we can still do great things with the Beaverton one, and anywhere we go will be better than what we've got now.  It's not that the Beaverton place is limiting, it's just not as totally awesome as the Gresham one.  And there's no Mt. Hood view.  Sigh.  I just think the everyday perks of the Beaverton location make it the strong favorite.  The Gresham perks are nice, but not nearly as practical, and the cons are too great for me to overcome, I think.  But I haven't completely ruled it out yet, because we did love that place...

But in the meantime, we're still doing some research on other possibilities.  I just don't know if anything exists that we'll collectively love more than anything we've already seen, at least not when you factor in the price.  Oh well.  I'm really hopeful that we'll have this decision made within the next week or so, because I'm leaving on the 3rd of March with no solid plans to be back here before May, and even those plans are far from solid.

Anyhow, I won't complain, because this is not a big problem in the grand scheme of things.  We're going to move somewhere, probably soon, and I'm definitely going to like it more than where I live now.  Which, even though I bitch about it a lot, really isn't terrible.  I just know we could do much better.  And I want to.

 I'm hoping I'll feel more motivated as this headache fades.  Right now I'm just in take it slow mode.  I've done some work, but it's hard to focus (literally -- my vision is a little blurred).  Z is away for the weekend, so if I want to go out, I have to coordinate with the public transit schedule -- have I mentioned how excited I am to move to a place that's right on the MAX line?  I don't mind taking buses, but the bus out here only comes once or twice an hour, and that's not terribly convenient -- especially when it's cold outside.  

I found a place in Beaverton yesterday that I'm pretty excited about, but there were no vacant units to tour, so I can't go all in just yet.  It's a block away from the Beaverton Transit Center, walking distance to Fred Meyer, and right on a little park with jogging trails.  It doesn't have mountain views and it's on the far side of town from the airport, but with the MAX station right there, it would still be pretty convenient, though a little over an hour's ride to the airport (and about 30 minutes into town).  The places we looked at in Gresham did have mountain views, but were not right on the MAX line (not very far, though).  They're closer to the airport but a slightly longer ride into town.  Prices and floor plans are comparable.  As much as I'd really love that mountain view, or the proximity to the Gorge, I think I am leaning toward the Beaverton apartment because of overall convenience.  If we ever buy a place in Portland, I'll make sure it meets all my needs -- MAX line, mountain views, etc -- but for a rental, I don't have to be as picky, I guess.  And I feel like I'll be happier almost anywhere that's not here.  I don't hate my apartment, I'm just sort of generally grumpy about it.  I'm looking forward to living in a place that doesn't make me feel that way.  

Speaking of hate...I'm trying to let go of that altogether.  There are plenty of things I do hate and can't help but, but I know it's best for everyone if I just don't spend any energy on that stuff.  When my little hippie friends and I were in middle school, we used to scold ourselves pretty harshly for using the "h-word."  And I think we were onto something.  Language does have a huge impact on thought, and getting the word out of my vocabulary as much as possible can help my outlook a lot.  It's something that my therapy and medication have naturally reduced, but I can eradicate even more if I make a little bit of an effort.  So that's something I'm doing now.  I'm finally starting to really grasp what it means to pick your battles.  Individual conflict?  Seems like it's almost never necessary -- at least not the way I let it eat at me in the past.  I can't choose what does and doesn't irritate me, but I can choose whether or not to indulge that feeling.  There's something self-righteously satisfying about pushing back in these situations, but the payout is ultimately not at all worth it.  I'm learning that it's also satisfying to be able to let shit go.  I never knew that before.  I also never realized just how bad I was at this.  Glad I finally figured it out.